Wednesday, October 18, 2006
"The Man"'s Influence on Sports
Many moons ago, in the dawn of the Internet, there was a web site called The AfroSquad. The AfroSquad was a group of funky fresh individuals who warned us about "The Man" - that all-powerful, all-knowing personification of authority. According to CrazyMan of The AfroSquad,
"The Man" is an intangible bugaboo that masterminds the hardships and tragedies of that thing we call life. Being technologically superior, he can morph into anything he wants- your boss, the local authorities, the president, your parents, a lawyer, the guy that signs your inadequate paycheck, etc. You can use that last sentence as a mad-lib for added effect.
When you work 13 hours, come home at 8:00PM to realize that you locked your key in the apartment- blame it on "The Man"- because he made you do it. When it takes another 2.5 hours to get some scab to open your apartment door for you- blame it on "The Man"- it is all his fault. When the scab requires 20 bucks to open your apartment door, beat the crap out of the scab, because he is "The Man". But defiling the scab/"Man" apparition will be to no avail because, by the time your finished teaching the scab 'the true meaning of sorrow', "The Man" will be somewhere else already- probably stealing your loved one's monogamy.
But don't be fooled, "The Man" can be in multiple places at once just as easily as you eat a Twinkie in just four bites. He can simultaneously be controlling the red stoplight you run, in his secret hideout faxing your brain the endorphins that result in deviance, AND in the cop car that catches you do it.
Just about the time things started going global and the whole world went online, The Man pulled the plug on the AfroSquad. For years, there was no AfroSquad on the Internet. Only recently has there been a resurgence of AfroSquad videos on YouTube and ifilm.com.
With the AfroSquad at bay, and their recent videos looking more like SNL skits than public service announcements, The Man has continued his shenanigans. Sadly, in no area is The Man's presence more evident than in the wide world of sports.
As my own PSA, I am beginning a list of things The Man does or tries to get away with in the world of sports. It's a short list, but hopefully we can raise awareness in an attempt to vex or befuddle The Man. If I am missing something utterly significant, leave a comment or e-mail me at email@example.com. Gracias.
-The Man talks trash in the OB and gets away with it. (By the way, Lamar Thomas hates The Man.)
-The Man likes those few days around the MLB All-Star game when no sports are on.
-The Man likes night baseball, Astroturf, and the DH.
-The Man wants all celebrities in New York to become Mets and Yankees fans at the same time.
-The Man thinks all games the Yankees aren't favored in should be rained out.
-The Man thinks it's "shocking" that anyone could win the World Series besides the Yankees.
-The Man calls Harlem Globetrotter wins "shocking".
-The Man still thinks the Braves have a chance.
-The Man likes David Wright, and that scares Mets fans.
-The Man loves Derek Jeter.
-The Man holds career minor leaguers down.
-The Man likes the idea that the winning league in the MLB All-Star game gets home field advantage in the World Series.
-The Man let the dogs out.
-The Man wants a NASCAR channel to replace the NFL Network.
-The Man actually only disliked Rod "He Hate Me" Smart.
-The Man wants to make a 24-hour celebrity poker channel.
-The Man wants to phase out the NBA in favor of the "We put the FUN in more-FUNdamental" WNBA.
-The Man wants the WNBA finals to be the main highlight on SportsCenter.
-The Man hates Russ Granik.
-The Man wants Allen Iverson to practice.
-The Man runs the BCS.
-The Man raises ticket prices.
-The Man wants to take the Cubs and White Sox off WGN.
-The Man wants Mel Kiper off the air.
-The Man hated the Negro Leagues for all the wrong reasons.
-The Man wants all stadiums everywhere to be named after obscure companies. Even little league fields.
-The Man owns a Yankee and Red Sox hat and wears the one with the better record.
-The Man wanted Canada to win the World Baseball Classic, eh?
-The Man hates college basketball and their "Cinderella" teams.
-The Man picks Duke to win every night.
-The Man cheers for rain on opening day.
-Namath is an anagram for the Tha Man.
-And The Man absolutely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt HATES blogs. Especially sports blogs.