A League of Your Own

Although The Man will never get his corporate hands on The Serious Tip, we are not above informing the general public about some products we feel are under-recognized. Whereas you may already be aware of such Serious Tip favorites as the spork, Parliament-Funkadelic, and the beautiful Keely Coles, here is our pitch for another underrated entity: the United States Basketball League, or the USBL.

Let's All Buy the USBL

Ever wanted to own your own league? I'm not talking about a fantasy, pick-a-player-and-hope-he-does-well league, I mean a real professional basketball league. Here is your chance. The United States Basketball League is for sale. Well, not actually for sale, but shares are available for purchase on the U.S. Stock Exchange.

Do you have 95 cents? That's all it takes to buy a share of the USBL. I know you have 95 cents. Check between the cushions of your couch. Check your pants. Check your other pants. Check your kid's piggy bank (they'll understand). Found 95 cents? Good. Let me tell you why you should invest that hefty chunk of change in the USBL. But first:

What is the USBL, you ask?

According to its web site, USBL.com, the USBL, nicknamed “The League of Opportunity,”is "the premiere summer league, offering a sound transition from the college to the professional game." Running from late April (after the conclusion of the collegiate basketball season) until late June (before the start of NBA rookie and free agent camps), the USBL provides the opportunity for players to improve and showcase their skills for the National Basketball Association, Continental Basketball Association, D-League, and International clubs around the world. The USBL has been the springboard for numerous professional playing careers. Among the famous USBL alumni are former NBA players 7ft 7in Manute Bol, 5ft 7in Spud Webb, John “Hot Rod” Williams, and Michael Adams, current NBA players Mike James and Darrell Armstrong, and internationally renown Kobe Bryant antagonist Raja Bell.

The USBL website also states the league not only helps players make the next level, but also benefits personnel. "In addition to player development, the USBL offers opportunities for coaches, referees, and front office administrative personnel seeking to further their respective careers." So it's a win-win for everyone, even the losers.
And now:

The Top Four Reasons You Should Buy A Part of the USBL

Sun Ming Ming

Taller than fellow countryman Yao Ming, Sun Ming Ming is the tallest player in professional basketball history. At 7ft 9in, Dodge City Legend center Sun Ming Ming is two inches taller than former Washington Bullets phenom and Billy Crystal buddy Gheorge Muresan. As a matter of fact, Sun Ming Ming is only 14 inches shorter than the tallest man in recorded history. Just as Shaq's size allowed him to dominate over average NBA centers, Sun Ming Ming's height and his ability to dunk without having to jump should mean instant domination. And you know you want to own a piece of that action.

Competition in the 'Burbs

Tired of having to battle city traffic to get to an NBA game? You are not alone. In a recent fictitious survey, 76% of fans cited traffic as the number three reason they don't attend more NBA games (the top two reasons: having to look at Sam Cassell and no swaying during the national anthem). Fortunately, the USBL plays in smaller metropolitian areas such as Albany, New York; Scranton, Pennsylvania; and Kearney, Nebraska. No team in your area? For only $200,000 you can start your own USBL franchise. Who says you need that new house? Tell the wife you are buying a basketball team. She will understand.

Majority Rules

Currently, the NBA is under the rule of Stalin-esque strongman David Stern. As a shareholder of the USBL, you will be privy to many decisions affecting the appearance, rules, and other aspects of the United States Basketball League. Want players to play with untucked jerseys? Vote for it. Want to change the type of ball they use? Vote for that. You can even propose MTV rock'n'jock basketball rules and their 10 point basket. But please, don't vote for that.

The Cure for Your Basketball Jones

The USBL starts in late April and ends in late June. For fans of the Knicks, Hawks, Celtics, Sonics, and other cellar-dwelling teams, this is a very depressing time. A time that while some teams begin their parade towards championship glory, others start scheduling tee-times and designing cheap sneakers. Your investment in the USBL will help bring this league of opportunity to the forefront and help feening sports fans in cities of sadness get through their woeful times. Sure it's not LeBron James or Kobe Bryant, but how can you not be excited to see the Brooklyn Kings' "The Other" Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Northeastern Pennsylvania Breaker Garrett "Don't Call Me Sammy" Farha?

Before I finish my Sally Struthers pitch for the United States Basketball League, remember, for 95 cents you can feed three starving Somali kids for a week, or you can invest in the USBL. The choice is yours.

These USBL fans need your support.