The Inevitable Futures of Mr. Tony Romo

As we watched Tony Romo fumble away his playoff hopes and come crashing down to Earth like Superman in Kryptonite underwear, we here at The Serious Tip began to wonder the future of Dallas’s darling quarterback. Will his brief Kevin Maas-like run in the sun be quickly forgotten like the careers of the pop princesses he flirted with? Or will he recover, “dust off his shoulders”, and re-establish his position as the leader and poster boy of America’s Team? What does Romo’s future hold?

Before you call Miss Cleo, consult the Magic 8-Ball, shake the bones, or ask the Ouija board, let The Serious Tip prognosticate and foretell The Inevitable Futures of Mr. Tony Romo.

Ol’ Scratch Has Come to Collect

“You sold your soul. You goin' down, all the way down. Hell hounds on your trail, boy, hell hounds on your trail.”
– The Devil’s Assistant to bluesman Willie Brown in the Ralph Macchio movie Crossroads

Like Kurt Warner before him, Tony Romo seemingly came out of nowhere. After playing his college ball in Eastern Illinois University, Romo signed as an undrafted free agent with the Dallas Cowboys in 2003. After two years of living life like other former Division I-AA quarterbacks, Romo found himself the starting quarterback of the Cowboys. He immediately became a sports and pop culture celebrity, not only leading the Cowboys to victory and onward to the playoffs, but he was also rumored to be romantically linked to pop stars Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood. Life was good for the 26-year old soon-to-be superstar.

But what the mainstream media and the Cowboy organization will not disclose is what Mr. Tony Romo did in those years of inactivity before replacing Drew Bledsoe in Week 8 of the 2006 season. Is it possible Tony Romo visited the legendary crossroads of blues legend Robert Johnson and sold his soul for all-star quarterback abilities and vexes on both Drew Bledsoe and former-Dallas QB Quincy Carter? Granted, Bledsoe’s abilities have been in decline due to his age and immobility, but how else do you explain the downfall of the once promising Carter? Mere days before Romo was selected to the NFL Pro Bowl, Carter was arrested and was again battling the demons of drug use.

If Tony Romo did indeed sell his soul to the devil for a few weeks of football glory, could the devil have come to collect early in the last moments against the Seahawks? Robert Johnson recorded his second session and the most depressing of his legendary 29 songs when at the same age Romo was during his rise to fame. Johnson quickly returned to being just another bluesman along the circuit and would eventually die at a young age before being “re-discovered” by Eric Clapton and other contemporary musicians years later.

Without the devil’s blessing, Romo will probably resume his position as a former Division I-AA college quarterback. Away in memory will be the accolades, the Pro Bowl selections, and the romantic linkings to beautiful celebrities. Following his fall from grace, Romo will struggle throughout 2007-08 and will lose his starting job by season’s end. He will later be released by the Cowboys as he suffers a Rick Ankiel-like psychological complex, re-surface in the Canadian League for a season or two, and end up coaching football in his hometown by the age of 33. All for nine weeks of shining stardom.

Laces Out, Romo!

“It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.”
– Mrs. Finkle, mother of the deranged Ray Finkle in Ace Ventura

What if Tony Romo did not sell his soul to the devil? What if Saturday’s fumble was just a blip on the radar in Tony Romo’s wildly successful future NFL career?

After Saturday’s gut-wrenching loss, Tony Romo will clear his head during a peaceful spring Tahitian vacation with country star Carrie Underwood. He will not think about football, the Cowboys, Jerry Jones, T.O., Bill Parcells, sports talk radio, sports bloggers, sports analysts, or SportsCenter. He and Carrie will take in the sun, drink margaritas, and frolic on the beach like Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed.

Upon returning to training camp, Tony Romo will be a man possessed. His excellence in 2007-08 will far overshadow his coming out party of 2006-07. He will not only lead the Cowboys to a Super Bowl win, but to a new dynasty, replacing the fading memories of Emmitt Smith and Troy Aikman. No longer will people think his selection to the 2007 Pro Bowl was a fluke, they will call it a harbinger of untapped greatness.

As Romo becomes the patron saint of Cowboy quarterback greatness, kicker Martin Gramatica will become expendable. Without making a field goal to win the first round of the 2006-07 playoffs, Gramatica will lose the confidence that comes with game-winning kicks. Without being able to write “playoff-winning kicker” on his resume, Gramatica will join the carousel of kickers employed by NFL headcoaches. Before long, Martin Gramatica will be out of the NFL, joining his brother Bill in doing whatever it is former NFL kickers do.

But Martin Gramatica will hold a grudge. Not against former coaches such as Jon Gruden or Bill Parcells, but against Tony Romo. If Romo hadn’t fumbled, Gramatica would have made the field goal and re-emerged has a household name. He would have been the star. The next Adam Vinateri. And Martin Gramatica will plot his revenge …


- Jordi