Thursday, August 2, 2007

Breaking News: Major Misunderstanding in the Michael Vick Case

Normally I am not in the business of breaking news. However, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who works for the FBI's Canine Accusation Team (CAT). While talking to this guy at a bar a few nights ago, he said there is a major mix-up in the Michael Vick case that will be announced next week. This mix-up will put such a dent in the prosecution's attempt to convict Vick that he could be back in Falcons' camp by the end of next week.

According to my source, the problem is with the term "dogfight". Apparently, Mike Vick wasn't into animal dogfighting, he was into aerial combat.

"What has not been reported by the media is the amount of World War I aerial paraphernalia taken from the house. In the media's rush to judgement, no one has mentioned Vick's extensive collection of Red Baron models. He had hundreds of dogfighting pictures and videos and could sing the Snoopy vs. the Red Baron song by heart."

My source also discussed the indictment, saying the PETA people have nothing to worry about.

"A lot of the indictment is wrong. Take charge 83, for example, when the indictment says 'Vick executed approximately eight dogs that did not perform well in testing sessions by methods such as hanging, drowning, or slamming at least one dog's body to the ground' it should actually say 'Vick eliminated eight planes by means of banging, downing, or slamming them around'. Vick has even admitted that even though he paid thousands of dollars for some of the models, it was fun to re-create the battles in his living room."

After a few beers, my source told me how Vick and his friends would tie the model planes to the ceiling and swing them until they hit each other.

"One of the guys we talked to, you know, the one with the blacked out face on ESPN? He said Vick had an annoying habit of making the worst machine gun noises every time the planes missed each other. Even though everyone knows machine guns go 'brrrap, brrrrap', the guy said Vick would say 'bllllap, blllap'."

Despite his irritating tendencies, Vick's model planes usually survived the "battles", staying together as friends' and visitors' planes were destroyed.

"Yeah, Mike Vick was well-known for his dogfights, no doubt about it."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That was about as funny getting AIDS.