Confessions of a Confused Heart

Dear Diary,

I know we haven't talked in a while, but honestly I don't know what to say. Things are as bad as they have ever been. If not worse.

I have never been so confused and torn on who to be with.

It seems like both my local interest and my long distance love are planning to be with me this fall. Last year, I couldn't buy affection. It seemed my long distance love screwed up in every way possible to destroy our plans for a happy fall season. I don't blame her though, she got nervous. It happens.

Now I am nervous thinking about what I am going to do. What if they both end up at the same place at the same time this fall? Do I even show my face?

The worse part of the situation is that I wasn't supposed to fall like this. Me and my local interest were supposed to be gradually closer as she improved herself. We were supposed to remain friends. This situation was supposed to happen much more slowly. Now I am blindsided by her success. She is everything I want, right around the corner. I find myself openly rooting for her, much to the dismay of people who know my affection to my long distance love. When they ask me where my loyalty really lay, I usually walk away in shame.

Meanwhile, I can't help but feel bad for my long distance love. If she knew how little attention I pay her, she would probably throw me to the curb. Knowing her, she would try to be the best out of spite. Now she is constantly grinding, trying to make it to the top. And she is doing an amazing job of it. I heard recently she is battling it out with one of her peers for the chance to be with me this fall. She is impressing everyone she comes in contact with. How much she credits me I am not sure, but I know she doesn't want a repeat of last year.

I guess I'll do the only thing I can, and that's to wait it out. I still have about a month until my worst fears can come true. Although I am not wishing for the heart break of last fall, I don't want to see my two loves battling each otehr tooth and nail over me.

That would be the worst fall ever.