Book Review: Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed by Lance Carbuncle

 

Ever read a book and ask yourself "what the hell did I just read?"? Not in the way that it wasn't in English, or didn't make sense, but in the way that it was such a trip that you are taken back and knocked on your heels from the sheer insanity of the written word.

From the simple premise of a man driving from Florida to Ohio to pick up his dog comes a wild adventure featuring roadside explosions, deals with the Devil, stolen wiener mobiles, and copious amounts of drug use.

I met Lance at a convention a few years ago. He is a very creative and interesting artist and author. His stuff borders on the weird. Correction: his stuff is weird. Very weird. In a fun way. In a crazy road trip through a hurricane trying to find a basset hound via a spiritual connection sorta way. But you have to stop off in small town Tennessee first to pick up your soul because you traded it for a one-night stand with a bar wench.

If that makes sense, or if that piques your interest in any way, shape, or form, I highly recommend you pick up Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed anywhere weird books are sold. 

TITLE REVEAL: Chaos in the Corner COMING SOON

 

I am super excited. My new novel is coming soon. The rough draft is done. I have to review it a few times and let some folks look at it for content accuracy, then get the cover, then the formatting, then get it out to the world.

I've been working on this for a few years. Time to hit the home stretch. 

Not so Serious Movie Review: Ghoulies 3 - Ghoulies Go To College

 

If Beavis and Butt-Head wrote a movie about little monsters on a college campus, it would be Ghoulies III. Low budget horror without the horror. That said, I did like Kevin McCarty in this role. He was also good in the Twilight Zone Movie. And Eva LaRue is a 90s babe.

Maybe this is what college was like in the early 90s. They should mash this movie with How High and have the Ghoulies only show up when magic weed is smoked. If you are gonna go weird, might as well go all the way.

Grade: 2 spooky frat toilette bowls out of 5 

Not so Serious Movie Review: Grunt! The Wrestling Movie

 

Where has this movie been all my life?

A mockumentary about a missing wrestler while keeping kayfabe in the most ridiculously 80s way possible. Before wrestling was big, there was Mad Dog Joe DeCurso. After Mad Dog accidentally decapitates a fellow wrestler, he disappears. Is new phenom The Mask actually Mad Dog? A young filmmaker attempts to find out.

This movie hits all my sweet spots. It's low budget. It's ridiculous. It's over the top. It's wrestling. Easiest grade since MegaForce.

(Also, possible Easter egg alert in my new novel.)

Grade: 5 knuckle sandwiches out of 5

Movie Review: HIM (2025)

 

So much unfulfilled potential. All style, no substance. A lot of tangents that didn't contribute enough to the story. The main character was just along for the ride. It was Eyes Wide Shut with football.
Not in my top 10 deals with the Devil movies.

Grade: 3 bloody footballs out of 5 

Not So Serious Movie Review: Gone (2002)

 

Did you know car alarms are Satan's music?

I thought it was heavy metal.

Did you know Satan invented the Super Bowl?

Not all football Sundays, just The Big Game.

Preachy, low budget movie about three lawyers trapped in the Philippines when Thanos snapped his fingers and half the population disappeared.

The lawyers blame God and rapture because they see a homeless man with a sign and there are no Avengers in the Philippines, but the real ones know.

Grade: 1 apocalyptic star of 5 

Not So Serious Movie Review: Warlock 2 - The Armageddon

 

Low budget sorta-sequel with less terror. Julian Sands is back but in a slightly different role. Some decent special effects, but not much else. An odd cameo from Billy from Gremlins. Otherwise, a poor decision to extend the Warlock brand. The camera work and set look like a college movie and while Warlock collects stones a la Thanos and our hero uses the Force to project a baseball to bootleg Star Wars music. 

Poorly written, poorly executed.

Grade: 3 son of Satan stars of 5 

Not so Serious Movie Review: The Craiglon Incident Part 1, 2, 3

The Craiglon Incident is independent film legend Joel D Wynkoop's 6-hr COVID-19 project. I watched all the parts, in three 2hr DVDs. I reviewed them all on Letterboxd. Here are my reviews:

 

THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT PART 1:

Gotta appreciate the creativity and effort deep in the midst of the era of COVID-19. I also love a good alien invasion movie. Minus one star for the audio, which is sometimes either way too loud or too low. And the end zoomcall drags too long. But I see what they were trying to do. Fun project.
Bracing myself for 4 more hours of Craiglon sequels.

Grade: 3 stars of 5

 

THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT PART 2: AFTERMATH :

Slightly better than the first as there is more action. Also sound is more level. The aliens finally meet their match in Parsons and his elite strike team. Many aliens died during this movie. But that's not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, it's a good thing because the aliens wanted to kill all the humans on all the different earths in all the different dimensions. But Parsons is a good shot and the aliens are not good with firearms so they miss a lot. But Parsons doesn't miss. He is kinda like Judge Judy in that he is the best at what he does.

Grade: 3 stars of 5

 

THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT PART 3: ANNIHILATION:

 Not as good as Part 2. Slowed down the momentum. Had some fun scenes - especially when Joel D Wynkoop met his other characters - but then the movie veered off to material that should have fit Part 1 until the final 30 minutes wrapped it up. Audacious project and overall fun. But getting through the whole series is an accomplishment.

Grade: 2 stars of 5

 

Overall, I would give the 6-hour project 3 stars. It is a lot. But it is enjoyable. 

When I was quoted in USAToday about the Rays

 

(This is a cross-post of an article I wrote on my professional website years ago. I am closing that site down to save some money.)

A few weeks ago, I closed down my blog on baseball in Tampa Bay. It was a great research project, one I put a lot of hours into, but one I couldn't see continuing from 7,000 miles away. I wrote 1,200 words on why I was putting the site on hiatus and as well why I was not positive the Tampa Bay Rays would ever be able to make things work in Tampa Bay.

 

Final posts are always tough and I was sad to close it up, but as I mentioned on the blog, it was time.

 

Little did I expect after writing that post that the Tampa Bay Rays would ship off several of their veteran players, claim to be "rebuilding", and be in the critical crosshairs of many national sports writers.

 

Even less did I expect to be cited in one of those articles. Definitely a nice surprise.

The USAToday.com article, "The Tampa Bay Rays haven't outdrawn the Lightning in 5 years and desperately need to relocate", was written by baseball writer Ted Berg. I'm pretty sure I have corresponded with Berg a few times on twitter.

 

In the article, Berg cites me often, writing about my blog overall and then linking to several of my research posts, including my posts on baseball research site Fangraphs.com. All great compliments that made me smile from across the world. Berg sums up my blog well, writing,

Lortz’s site has an incredible wealth of information on the topic and is well worth checking out.

He also sums up my current attitude about Tampa Bay baseball well:

Essentially, a baseball fan in the Tampa area spent years diving deep into data to try to figure out how to make Major League Baseball in the Tampa area work and concluded that, given all the factors in play, it might be hopeless.

Perfectly written.

 

It is always nice to be recognized as a subject matter expert, especially in the crowded field of sports writing. I was able to bring a unique look at a niche subject. And people in the know read my work and shared it.

 

That makes the effort all worth while.

Book Signing Announcement - Cigar City Brewing, May 24th, 2025

 

I love brewery book signings. They are always a lot of fun. I enjoy having a beer or three and talking with folks about my books. So it is with great pleasure that I announce my latest book signing.

SAT MAY 24th at Cigar City Brewing from 12-4pm as part of their Crops and Hops event.

Cigar City Brewing is one of the best breweries in Tampa. They are also the closest to Steinbrenner Field, current home of the Tampa Bay Rays. This should be a great.

Come out, say hi, and support local breweries and local authors!