Economy got you down?
Kicking dirt as your house drops in worth?
Don’t know the difference between bailing out the economy and bailing out your Uncle Charlie?
Then come see me.
I’m Mickey Morandini and I would like to introduce you to Mighty Mickey Morandini’s Magic Money Mattresses.
You remember me, right? I played for the Cubs many moons ago.
Unfortunately, my money slowly disappeared in a few unfortunate investments. (Damn you, Enron!)
But like the scrappy middle infielder I was when I played, I get back up when I get knocked down. And now I am back with a great new idea!
Presenting Mighty Mickey Morandini’s Magic Money Mattresses. Forget banks. Forget 401Ks and forget mutual funds. Our mattresses are perfect to store your money in during the worst of times, the best of times, or any other times.
What makes our Magic Money Mattress worth your hard earned cash? First they have hidden pockets that store that easy to get moolah safe and secure. And for that long-term investment, all of our mattresses come with a bulletproof titanium safe inserted inside the mattress. Simply insert your money in the slot and our Magic Money Mattress will keep it from prying government hands. And even if it does get stolen, the built-in GPS will help you track it down.
And don’t worry about losing the combination to your mattress safe.
I am the only one who knows the combination.
Safe opening service sold separately.