Tarpon Springs Book Festival Saturday April 26, 2025

 

I will be part of the Tarpon Springs Book Festival this Saturday, April 26th, 2025.

Super excited to be part of this. Tarpon Springs has always been good to me. I recently did a book signing at The Gilded Page bookstore and did very well. The book festival is coordinated by the same folks but is much bigger. There will be talks, vendors, food, and more books than you can shake a tree at. Or a stick. But sticks are smaller. You can hit more book vendors with a tree. But I wouldn't recommend hitting any book vendors with a tree. Even a small tree, which is kinda like a stick with more roots. So what I am saying is is don't hit people with any vegetation. Or with vegetables. Or fruits. Or fists. Just don't hit people. But do visit the Tarpon Springs Book Festival this Saturday!

For more information, click here for their website!

 

Death Star II: A Project Management Case Study

 

(This article is also on my Medium.com page. Cross-posting it here. It was written in 2015 for a Project Management MBA course I was taking at the University of South Florida. I had to write a paper on a project I was familiar with.)

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away …

In the midst of a conflict with the Rebel Alliance, the leader of the Galactic Empire, Emperor Palpatine, ordered the construction of a second planet-like battle station. Following the nomenclature of the first project, which was unfortunately destroyed by the Rebel Alliance, this second battlestation was named the “Death Star”.

Both the first and second Death Star projects were part of a greater Galactic Empire vision entitled “The Tarkin Doctrine”. According to this vision statement, “terror-inspiring superweapons” would help instill order and security to a galaxy over 100 light years across and consisting of over 5 million sentient beings. The sheer magnitude and destructive potential of these projects were designed to instill “fear of force” in the galactic populace.

Designed by Imperial Engineer Bevel Lemelisk, architect of the original Death Star, the second Death Star was larger in scale and scope than its predecessor. The second Death Star was to be a self-sustaining, planet orbiting battlestation measuring 160 kilometers in diameter. Keeping in mind the flaws of the first Death Star, Lemelisk designed the new battlestation with millions of millimeter-wide heat ducts and enhanced weaponry. In total, the battlestation contained 7,500 laser cannons, 768 tractor beam generators, hanger space for 13,000 support craft, bedding and personal space for nearly 500,000 personnel , and a concave dish composite beam superlaser . Despite his previous failure, Lemelisk was confident that when complete his new Death Star was indestructible.

The project manager for the second Death Star was Imperial officer Tiaan Jerjerrod. Jerjerrod was an experienced member of the Imperial military with a background in logistics and supply. He was appointed to lead the project by Emperor Palpatine, who selected Jerjerrod over several other higher-ranking candidates. Jerjerrod was responsible for not only the construction of the Death Star, but also organizing the defense of the Death Star’s planetary shield and control bunker on a nearby planet . Supervising Jerjerrod was the Emperor’s right-hand man, Darth Vader.

Aided by the development of self-replicating construction droids, the second Death Star took far less time to build, despite its bigger size. In order to facilitate logistics for the massive battlestation, the Empire created an interspace “hyperlane” that brought supplies to the Death Star from the planet of Sullust . This hyperlane and other enhancements in technology allowed the Empire to complete 60% of the construction of the second Death Star in only six months .

Three and a half years later, construction of the second Death Star had slowed dramatically. Programming problems occurred in the computer core and construction crews fell far behind schedule. Noticing the delays and still fighting a galactic civil war, Emperor Palpatine ordered Darth Vader to check on the project’s status.

When Vader arrived on the second Death Star, he was met by Jerjerrod. Vader informed the project manager of the Emperor’s displeasure and informed Jerjerrod of potential punishment if the project was not completed on time. Jerjerrod initially pushed back on Vader’s message, stating the project was on time. Jerjerrod also told Vader the difficulty of the project and insisted the Emperor’s request was “impossible” unless he had more workers. Vader told Jerjerrod to tell the Emperor personally when the Galactic leader himself visited the project. Jerjerrod then informed Vader that his men would “double their efforts” to reach the Emperor’s schedule.

Unbeknownst to Jerjerrod, the Rebel Alliance was planning an attack on the Death Star and attempting to destroy the project before its completion. By the time the Emperor arrived on the Death Star, the weaponry of the battlestation was complete. The Emperor intentionally leaked the blueprints of the battlestation to Rebel spies and hoped to use the incomplete status of the project and his presence on board to lure Rebel forces into a conflict.

As the Emperor planned, the Rebel Alliance did attack the Death Star. The attack meant construction of the battlestation ceased and personnel aided the war effort instead of the project effort. For Jerjerrod, supporting the battle meant becoming commander of the bridge of the battlestation. The former logistics and supply officer assumed operational command of the most advanced war machine in the galaxy.

Unfortunately for Jerjerrod and the Empire, the Rebel Alliance were able to destroy the control bunker on the nearby planet and disable the Death Star’s defense shield. With the shield down, Rebel ships penetrated the battlestation’s defenses and advanced inside the facility towards the main reactor. The Rebel ships fired missiles at the reactor’s primary central tower. The destruction of the primary control tower created a chain reaction which created a massive explosion that resulted in the destruction of the Death Star. In the explosion Emperor Palpatine, Tiaan Jerjerrod, and thousands of crew members lost their lives.

The inability to complete the Death Star and fulfil the Tarkin Doctrine was due to several poor decisions by the Galactic Empire. Many of these decisions fall into the ten Project Management knowledge areas as defined by the Guide to Project Management Body of Knowledge. The following sections will address each area and discuss how changes to the project impacted each area and “how the project manager could have mitigated any problems in the area of concern”.

Integration
During the build of the second Death Star, project manager Tiaan Jerjerrod struggled with integration. Initially, Jerjerrod succeeded in carrying out the orders of Emperor Palpatine and the design of Bevel Lemelisk. The Empire integrated the Death Star project into its war effort effectively and maintained a strategic advantage over its competition for the first few years of the project.

Delays, programming malfunctions, and leadership insistence on bringing the war to the project hindered the completion of the Death Star. Completion of the project became an afterthought. Unfortunately, Jerjerrod could not object to the reprioritizing of the project due to his lower officer rank. Jerjerrod did not realize the strategy had been changed until it was too late. Perhaps if he was involved in upper level discussions, he might have been able to question why the complete assembly of the concave super laser was required prior to the completion of the rest of the Death Star.

Scope
However large and immense, the scope of the second Death Star was maintained throughout the project. Jerjerrod was under an expectation to complete a battlestation of incredible size and strength. No additional features were added during the build nor any taken away.

Given his low officer rank, Jerjerrod could not have altered the scope even if he desired. He was beholden to the commands and scope provided by Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine.

Time
Time was a major problem in the construction of the second Death Star. Despite new technology that decreased construction time from 19 years to approximately 4 years, Jerjerrod was put under a time schedule that he deemed “impossible” to carry out. When his work force was threatened by Darth Vader’s harsh negative motivation techniques, Jerjerrod compromised by having his men “double their efforts” to achieve the scheduled completion.

The circumstances surrounding the build of the second Death Star was also an issue. The Empire could take their time building the first Death Star as the Rebel Alliance was not a very strong opposing force. The destruction of the first Death Star required as more rapid build of the second Death Star as the Empire deemed the Rebel Alliance more formidable.

Unfortunately for Jerjerrod, he did not realize his opinions on the time needed to complete the project were immaterial compared to the Emperor’s larger strategy. Doubtful Jerjerrod would have wagered the strength of an incomplete battlestation on the need to lure the entire secretive Rebel Alliance in one location.

Cost
There is no doubt the construction of the second Death Star was a costly endeavor. Total cost, however, may have been less than the construction of the first Death Star due to better technology and improved supply routes. Funds to complete the project were acquired via government taxes. There is no evidence of a total budget, although several websites have predicted the project may have cost approximately $852,000,000,000,000,000 . By following the aforementioned Tarkin Doctrine, the Empire clearly favored security and military force over austerity.

Cost of the second Death Star included steel, electronics, ordinance, services, and labor . As the construction of the project was quicker, it is possible to assume the Empire used contracted labor . By hiring contractors, the Empire was probably able to control costs by buying services from the lowest bidder. Perhaps opting for the lowest bidder was why construction time slowed towards the end of the project.

Quality
As the Imperial military oversaw the construction of the second Death Star, the project was overseen by military personnel and held to a military standard. Development of the second Death Star was under the purview of the Imperial Department of Military Research . With eventual oversight also provided by Darth Vader, quality in construction was not a problem.

Assurance, however, was a problem for the project manager of the second Death Star. Jerjerrod was not able to convince Darth Vader the high-profile project would be completed on time. The delay in construction also drew the ire of the Emperor, the leader of the entire Imperial government. It is probably not a good sign when the leader of the government decided to be personally involved in the construction of a military project . Perhaps if the Empire had given responsibility of the project to a higher ranking officer with more authority, stakeholders would have been more confident in the completion schedule.

Personnel Management
In a universe of diverse beings and creatures, the Empire opted only to hire humans or human clones to build the second Death Star. There was little variance in culture or language, a rarity in the multicultural galaxy. Construction teams were organized by military rank and structure. Unfortunately, the Imperial rank culture was driven by authority and power and fear was the primary motivator.

This attitude of fear began at the top, where Darth Vader used intimidation and physical force to enforce standards. The culture of fear and authority also led to distrust of subordinates. In one example, Jerjerrod did not trust a lower ranking officer to monitor the arrival of a new computer core. Jerjerrod’s distrust allowed the central computer core of the battle station to be controlled by a virus.

Communication Management
Due to the aforementioned culture of fear, communication management was not a strength of the Death Star project. Lack of communication occurred at several levels. The project manager, Tiaan Jerjerrod, did not accurately communicate the status of the project to Darth Vader. This miscommunication led to the Emperor visiting the Death Star to oversee the project’s final stages.
Whereas communication was a problem in middle management, it was a bigger problem at the upper levels of the Imperial government. It is doubtful the Emperor told anyone involved in the construction of the project that he was using the battle station as bait for a large battle with the Rebel Alliance. Had they known their work and lives would be in danger, construction crews might have worked as hard.

Risk Management
The construction of the second Death Star faced many risks. Few of the risks were managed properly. Risks that were managed well include security of the site, use of droids as labor, installation of the defense shield, and confidence in clone technology to re-animate key personnel. Risks that were managed properly include overassigning responsibilities, using the project as bait for a military conflict, and not double checking core programming.

This final risk — not double-checking core programming — almost cost Jerjerrod the entire project. In the final year of construction, with his crew already behind schedule, Jerjerrod did not inspect the new computer core. By not checking the new core, he failed to notice the core was infected by a programming bug controlled by a malicious robot. This bug caused an explosion leading to the death of every member of a construction team. Luckily for Jerjerrod, the programming bug could not control any of the battle station’s weaponry.

Procurement
Procurement management was a strongpoint for the second Death Star project. The project manager, Tiaan Jerjerrod, was a logistics and supply officer who had risen to the rank of general through his hard work and tenacity in logistics and supply. His background helped push the Death Star project forward.

The Empire acquired many of their resources through selective outsourcing. They acquired hyperspace tugs and threadships from the planet Sullust and contracted Xizor Transport Systems to ship construction material from other parts of the galaxy. These materials were shipped via the Sanctuary Pipeline, a hyperspace lane that was expanded by the Empire to facilitate Death Star supply procurement.

Stakeholders
Stakeholder management during the construction of the second Death Star was mixed at best. While the Galactic Empire worked to complete the project, the Rebel Alliance was plotting its destruction. Other stakeholders included residents of the nearby planet, who might have seen climate change due to the presence of a moon-sized battle station in their orbit, and the Imperial Department of Military Research. Jerjerrod had to manage, satisfy, or defend each of the shareholders.

Jerjerrod was unable to manage stakeholder expectations and control the influence and engagement of higher ranking Imperial stakeholders. Jerjerrod did not share accurate information on the status of the project with Darth Vader and the Emperor, causing the two leaders to personally inspect the project. Jerjerrod lost control of the project the moment one of his stakeholders trumped his influence and ability to lead.

The Death Star and the Classic Mistakes of Project Management

The failure to complete the second Death Star can also be attributed to several of Project Management’s “Classic Mistakes”. These Classic Mistakes are at the root of many failed projects. McConnell defines the Classic Mistakes as “ineffective development practices”. Since the Empire completed the first Death Star years earlier, we know they were capable. Why they couldn’t complete the second Death Star is worth exploring through the prism of the Classic Mistakes.

The first Classic Mistake the Empire made was “Friction between developers and customers” (Classic Mistake 7). As the Death Star was a battle station designed to provide the Empire with a significant advantage in their war versus the Rebel Alliance, the customers of the project were the commander-in-chief of the Empire and his deputy, Darth Vader. Developers of the project were the workforce led by Project Manager Tiaan Jerjerrod.

Friction between the developers and customers occurred when the customers decided the workforce was falling behind schedule. The delay was recognized as such a high risk for executive management that Darth Vader made an unexpected visit the project. When he confronted Tiaan Jerjerrod about the schedule, Jerjerrod pushed back, stating his men were working as fast as they could. Vader overrode the objection, and said if needed he would step in a “motivate” the workforce himself. By the time the Emperor arrived on the battle station, Vader insisted he put the workforce back on schedule. Standing behind Vader as the deputy spoke with the Galactic leader, Jerjerrod watched as his credibility was completely undermined by the executive leadership.

The second Classic Mistake the Empire fell victim to was “Unrealistic Expectations” (Classic Mistake #8). As mentioned in the introduction, the first Death Star was completed in 19 years. Tiaan Jerjerrod was instructed to complete the second larger battle station in a quarter of the time. This was an impossible task even for an accomplished general officer.

From the perspective of executive management, there was a need to expedite construction of the second Death Star. First and foremost, the Empire needed the battle station to seize and secure its strategic advantage over the Rebel Alliance. The faster the battle station could be completed, the faster the Empire could put the Death Star in service and focus on governing, not war.

Expectations were also higher for the second Death Star due to advancements in technology and logistics. While these advancements were effective output multipliers, it was unrealistic to think they could cut the completion time by 80 percent. These unrealistic expectations may have driven executive leadership to abandon the completion of the project and bring the war to the partially completed Death Star.

The interference of the Galactic Civil War and the perception that assisting the war effort took precedence over completing the Death Star can be categorized under Classic Mistake #12: “politics over substance”. The political environment in which the project existed quickly superseded the need to complete the project in a thorough and complete manner. The Empire rushed the already expedited project and put it into battle long before it could be made “invincible” as its designer claimed a completed battle station would be.

Internally, the cutthroat culture of the Empire is another example of politics affecting the project’s completion. In the Empire, gaining favor of superiors was looked upon highly. The competitive environment meant even the project manager attempted to overstep his superior to gain favor with the ruler of the Empire. The idea of completing the project was secondary to its surrounding political environment.

In the final year of construction, the Death Star’s project manager succumbed to Classic Mistake 22: Shortchanged quality assurance. When the central computer core arrived at the battle station, Jerjerrod reprimanded the local supervisor, which left neither man time to inspect the system. Had they taken the time, they would have found a bug in programming that allowed it to be controlled by a malicious robot named IG-88.

Each of these four Classic Mistakes contributed to the failure to complete the second Death Star. There is no doubt the Empire could have completed the project eventually. However, when these Classic Mistakes added up, there was no way the second Death Star would ever reach its completion.

Review of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

 

(I wrote this review a long time ago on medium.com. That website sucks these days, so I am reposting it here.)

Over a year ago, I wrote what I thought should happen in the 9th episode of the Skywalker Saga. It was the first time I prognosticated how a Star Wars movie would progress. I typically like to be surprised.

My story had the Resistance hiding on Mandalore under the watch of Queen Sabine Ren. Leia dies early, has a Mandalorian funeral, and Sabine assists the cause. Chewbacca, Rey, Finn, and Poe join Mandalorians to fight the Knights of Ren and the First Order, while Lando, C-3PO, and Rose Tico go to Coruscant to rally the galaxy to the cause.

Turns out I was wrong on quite a bit. I knew that would happen. But I was surprisingly right on a few things.

Overall, I thought Rise of Skywalker was better than The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, but not as good as Rogue One. If Episode 1 and 2 are at the bottom, Rise of Skywalker is with Solo and Return of the Jedi as a middle of the pack Star Wars movie.

(Warning: SPOILERS) (Warning: SPOILERS) (Warning: SPOILERS)

Let’s start with how I was wrong.

Mandalorians

I wrote that General Organa would take the Resistance to Mandalore, where they would regroup and join forces with the Mandalorians in their disdain for the First Order. Seeing Mandalorians and the Dark Saber on the big screen would wow Star Wars fans. I even connected Episode 9 to the Rebels show via an older Sabine Ren.

I wrote my article in late August 2018. In early October 2018, Disney announced The Mandalorian show would premier on Disney+. The Mandalorian has been a huge success for Disney and Star Wars lore.

That Mandalorians were not in Episode 9 makes sense. If they were Episode 9 and in a new show at the same time, it would have been Mandalorian overkill.

I foresaw the importance of Mandalorians, just in the wrong part of the story.

Death of Leia

In my Episode 9, General Leia Organa dies early, unrelated to the rest of the story. She dies on Mandalore and is given a moving funeral scene, with a special appearance by the specter of Luke Skywalker and the arrival of Lando Calrissian.

That of course did not happen as she had a role in almost 2/3 of the movie before projecting herself to distract Kylo Ren, so Rey could stab him, cure him, and then abandon him on an Endor moon, where he would talk to the vision of Han Solo.

Vastly different from how I projected.

The Return of Lando

As I mentioned, in my Episode 9, Lando arrives early in the movie. He has a moment with Chewbacca in which they reflect on the death of Han Solo. He then goes on a political quest to Coruscant with C-3PO and Rose Tico, rounding up support for the Resistance.

I got that part sorta right. Lando has a short moment with Chewbacca in the company of the other characters who magically know who he is. He also rounds up support for the Resistance, although he does this in minutes, rather than through a scene.

I also had Rose Tico joining Lando so she could give an emotional speech about her sister, her life, etc. That would have continued her role for The Last Jedi. It would not have her as a main character, but not completely minimized her.

What I didn’t care for is Lando’s fairy godfather trope to Poe when he questions if he could lead the Resistance. Lando gives a revisionist history pep talk that he, Han, and Leia led the Rebellion when actually it was led by the strategic prowess of Admiral Ackbar and political know-how of Mon Mothma, neither of whom are utilized much in the sequel trilogy.

Death of Chewbacca … or not

In my post, I mentioned that killing off other legacy characters would be a mistake. The audience has already dealt with the death of Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia.

JJ Abrams teased viewers with the death of Chewbacca and the memory loss of C-3PO. Then brought them both back. Was the audience supposed to take those scenes seriously? Were we supposed to think Chewbacca was really gone?

The Sith dagger

Nothing about the Sith dagger was relevant. The entire plot point could have been cut. When the ancient dagger was aligned with the outline of a wreck, it told where the other Sith wayfinder was. But what if our heroes were at a different angle? What if a tidal wave altered the landscape of the wreckage? Please don’t write that weak plot point off as “the will of the Force”.

The dagger could have been used by Rey to kill Palpatine or herself, but it was forgotten once it was used on the moon of Endor. A total mcguffin.

Too much running around

One of many complaints I had with The Last Jedi was that it was too local. It didn’t have a galactic feel. I had the opposite feeling in Rise of Skywalker. Planet hopping to and fro to decipher a map on a dagger was very Indiana Jones or Goonies. Rise of Skywalker reminded me of a galactic Shawn of the Dead :

• Leave Ajan Kloss
• Go to Pasaana, meet Lando, pick up the dagger, lose Chewie (oops!)
• Go to Kijimi, erase C-3PO (sorry 3PO!), translate the dagger
• Rescue Chewie (yay!)
• Go to Kef Bir, make friends, find wayfinder, stab Kylo (sorry!), heal Kylo (yay?)
• Go back to Ajan Kloss (everyone but Rey)
• Go to Ach-to (Rey only), talk to Luke, fly Luke’s X-Wing
• Go to Exegol (everyone), fight bad guys
• Go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for the rest of war to blow over
• And as Professor Stephen M. Saideman notes, all of this in 16 hours.

Reliance on old baddies

One of my biggest gripes with The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi was that the First Order was militarily incompetent. Hux was a terrible commander. In my estimation, I wrote that the First Order must “bring in new technology or their own new allies to tip the balance of power”. By bringing in the Emperor, former Imperial Officers, and the Final Order, JJ Abrams gave a challenge to the heroes.

The good guys needed something to fear to make their trials believable. They needed an uphill climb. The Emperor and a massive fleet of planet-destroying Star Destroyers (suspend acquisition logic!) met that qualification.

Poe and Finn

Neither of these characters were well-developed in the new trilogy. Poe should have stayed a side character, a la Wedge. Finn had too much Jar-Jar Binks in him. He was caught in himself or too infatuated with Rey to see the big picture. In pro wrestling terms, they were mid-carders trying to carry the show.

Star Wars military ranks

How the Rebel Alliance and the Resistance promoted volunteers baffles me. In Return of the Jedi, Lando Calrissian immediately became a general. In Rise of Skywalker, Poe is promoted from Captain to General. Poe then gives Finn the rank of general. How? Why?

Further frustrating is the sidelining of Nien Numb, an experienced military leader, for Finn, a former janitor and ground soldier.

Lack of connections to cartoons

The appearance of the Ghost and the voice of Kanan and Ahsoka encouraging Rey are the only connections to the cartoons. Rogue One and Solo had more of a connection. I think that was a missed opportunity by JJ Abrams.

In my post, I suggested Rey go to Coruscant and re-open the Jedi Temple. The young stable boy from The Last Jedi could make an appearance, as could an elder Ahsoka Tano, as well as an array of Force ghosts. Ahsoka assisting the re-opening of the Jedi Temple would give a positive end to her story with the Jedi as well as it give the temple immense credibility.

Closing the Saga

If you made it this far, thank you.

Overall, I really enjoyed Rise of Skywalker. As Rebecca Fleenor of CNET wrote, if you focus on Kyle Ren, the movie is a great story about the redemption of the Jedi and the Skywalker name. The first trilogy was about the downfall of the Jedi, the second trilogy was the return of the Jedi, the last trilogy was the rebirth of the Jedi.

I like that perspective.

Not so Serious Movie Review: Studio 666 the unofficial Paganini Horror sequel

 

 

A few months ago, I watched a low budget Italian horror film called Paganini Horror. In Paganini Horror, a successful rock band, under pressure from management to produce, moves into a creepy multi-story old white house to record their latest album. Their playing opens a gate to hell and murder and mayhem ensues.

This is basically the plot of Studio 666, a moderately budgeted 2022 comedy horror movie featuring the Foo Fighters.

Similar creepy house:

 

Even the movie posters are kinda similar if you imagine Dave Grohl's skull without its skin:

 

There are several differences. Paganini Horror features a female-fronted rock band. Studio 666 features the Foo Fighters. The horror in Paganini Horror is driven by a mysterious sheet of music written by the infamous Niccolo Paganini, aka The Devil's Violinist. The horror of Studio 666 is driven by a mysterious flesh-bound book written by infamous occultist Alister Crowley. Paganini Horror has a guest appearance by famed Halloween actor Donald Pleasance. Studio 666 has a guest appearance by famed Halloween director and composer John Carpenter. Both movies also feature a character twist by the bands' managers, but too much on that would give away the plots.

While not a re-boot or a re-make, Studio 666 is definitely in McDowell's/McDonald's territory when compared to Paganini Horror. Or at least in Why I'm Here / Heart-Shaped Box territory.

Despite the similarity to an obscure Italian horror movie, there is a lot to like about Studio 666. First and foremost, it is a fun movie that looked fun to make. As I said in my review of The Unbreakable Bunch, movies that are fun to make often come out in the viewing and increase the movie's watch-ability, independent of budget.

Studio 666 is far better than Paganini Horror regarding rock knowledge and inside jokes. Paganini Horror might have had a musician advisor on the film, but Studio 666 stars musicians. There is an authenticity to their discussions and their actions when are playing or discussing music - according to reports, drummer Taylor Hawkins improvised his lines, it doesn't get more authentic than that. And the rock'n'roll inside jokes added to the humor - the Pearl Jam high five, for example, was nice touch.

Studio 666 also had better kill scenes than Paganini Horror. While Paganini Horror has a scene where a weird fungus subsumes a band member and someone else gets electrocuted, Studio 666 features impaling with a chainsaw and a few beheadings. That's what a bigger budget allows for.

Over the last few years, I've become a big fan of the "Music and the Devil" trope. I'd been looking forward to seeing Studio 666 since it came out. It was fun, it was gory, and it tells a good story. Definitely recommended, even if it does veer too close to Paganini Horror. But that's just my little compliant.

Grade: 4 Devil rockin' stars out of 5

Not so Serious Movie Review: Ernest in the Army (1998)

 

 

I am an Ernest fan. I don't know if it is acceptable to say that on the internet, or if it is cool, or popular, or whatever. I like Ernest. Jim Varney's character is funny, unique, and a good-hearted dude. Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Saves Christmas, and Ernest Scared Stupid are classics in the line of Mr. Bean or Laurel and Hardy or Charlie Chaplin. Good family fun.

I am also a fan of good military comedies. Stripes is a classic, Major Payne was great, Private Benjamin is good, and even Pauly Shore's In the Army Now is worth a few re-watches and quoted lines. Most of these revolve around fish-out-of-water scenarios that when done right, hit more than they miss.

Given that Ernest always plays a fish out of water-type character, Ernest in the Army should have been decent. But it is not. Ernest in the Army is bad. Really bad. Only fans of Ernest should watch this movie.

I couldn't tell who Ernest in the Army was for. It had a complex plot, featuring a Middle East dictator invading a neighboring country while an international Illuminati hopes to get their hands on a plutonium missile. Meanwhile, Ernest joins the Army Reserves and is assigned to the only unit attached to a United Nations Task Force assigned to stop the dictator.

Ernest gets left in the desert, befriends a local boy, cavorts with a news reporter, goes on a rescue mission by himself, and eventually saves the day. Although he saves the day in most of his movies, Ernest in the Army lacked any charm and humor. Outside of two cameos early in the movie, Ernest's side characters were absent. Also absent were his friends who make appearances in his other movies (the guys who play baggage handlers in Saves Christmas and chefs in Goes to Camp, etc.).

Ernest movies are not supposed to be Oscar-worthy cinematic masterpieces. But they should be enjoyable, especially for kids. They could have made this a kids' movie. They could have had Ernest driving different vehicles like a tank or a jet plane. Maybe he could have saved the President or something. Instead they buried Ernest in a convoluted plot with bad side characters and no charm or humor for miles.

Instead of burying Ernest, they should have buried this movie in the desert with copies of the ET Atari game.

Grade: 2 Ernest Ewwws out of 5, knowhutimean?

Clearwater Comic Con appearance and review

 

I had the great pleasure of being part of a panel at the Clearwater Library's annual Comic Con. Such a great time talking with fellow writers AC Haydee and Silk Jazmyne about folklore in fantasy. I was also very impressed with the Clearwater Comic Con. It is a small, local convention, but it was very well run and put together. There were several artists and authors I knew from previous events, to include the illustrious King of the B-Movies, the great Joel Wynkoop. Joel is my hero.

I left the Clearwater Comic Con with new books, graphic novels, and movies, as well as some new ideas that I hope to make happen. Definitely excited to create and do great things.

Perhaps next year I will have a table at the Clearwater Comic Con. It is highly recommended. 

Book review - Con-Thology : Stories of Convention Horror

 

As a member of my friend Josh Ginsburg's Patreon, I received a copy of Con-Thology, a horror collection he was recently published in. For $3 a month, I get a sneak peek at all of his prolific writings and other membership perks, to include Con-Thology.

As the title says, Con-Thology is a collection of horror stories that take place in the halls of a convention. Conventions can be organized chaos, full of vendors and characters and celebrities and guest appearances. You never know who or what you might run into in at a convention. These stories up the ante and increase the chaos of convention life. 

Con-Thology is short. It is only 55 pages, including table of contents and author bio page. You can read it in one sitting. Each story ranges between 8 and 15 pages. They get to the point and bring the weirdness and horror. I am going to review each and give my personal opinions in order of appearance in the book.

1) Cosplay by Josh Strnad

The anthology starts with the shortest story in the collection. Josh tells the tale of a loner and social outcast who embraces his mysterious wraith costume and enjoys the attention he gets from his fellow attendees while still being able to hide within his disguise. His ability to hide in his mysterious attire provides cover for his darker intentions.

2) Autographed Edition by Douglas Ford

The set-up for this story is awesome. I love the idea of a reader finding a new release from a deceased author and further finding that the book is autographed with the author's signature. There is so much mystery and potential with that premise. It could have been its own book. But in the world of Con-Thology, other authors and bargains and ceremonies enter the story and while we pleasantly wade in the macabre and occult, we shift from the initial mystery to something more ceremonial. Perhaps Douglas will revisit that premise and flesh it out into something larger someday.

(Note: I've met Doug. He and I did a book signing coordinated through Josh in St Petersburg last fall. Doug is also quite prolific, with several novels and collections to his name. I own The Infection Party, although I have not had a chance to read it yet.)

3) The Sally Anne Test by Elaine Pascale

Another very weird and usual story - which is to be expected of course. I enjoyed the point of view of someone who had been sheltered and used as an experiment by a manipulative parent. The horror of psychological manipulation is creepy and a fertile ground for something bad to happen. Eventually, the young girl not only has a chance to be around others, but she also has a chance to meet her favorite graphic artist. Or does she? The twists and turns of this story make it a very interesting read.

4)  Closing Ceremony by Joshua Ginsburg

I had the pleasure of reading this story before it was in Con-Thology. Josh asked my thoughts on the story and the unique way it was written. I liked it then and I like the finished product. This story takes a unique perspective on a convention annihilated by a disaster. It reads like an investigative report, full of details and observations. There are no people, no characters, and no dialogue. It is an interesting read, chock full of name-drops and Easter eggs. And being that the convention hall is utterly devastated, Josh's story is a good way to end the book. Even if you have a wristband, you are not going back in after that.

Overall, I enjoyed Con-Thology. It was a fun, creepy, quick read. Highly recommend signing up for Josh's patreon for only $3 a month or finding any of the authors and picking up a copy of Con-Thology at your nearest convention.

FOUND: Bin Laden satire from 2002

 

(I wrote this 23 years ago. I just found it in directory of essays and college papers. I was reading a lot The Onion and SatireWire back then. Bin Laden's 68th birthday is as good a time as any to finally publish this.)

 

Jan 18, 2002 

Tampa, FL-- US Central Command General Tommy Franks said Friday Osama Bin Laden is either "dead or alive"- not undead as reported by several Afghanistan news sources. 

News of Bin Laden becoming "undead" by way of an ancient Islamic ceremony reached US servicemen in Camp Rhino last week, scaring many. 

"I was shocked," commented one Army soldier. "Not only can we not find him, now we can't kill him if we did find him."  

These Afghan reports scared more than just US servicemen- people across the world pondered the ghastly possibilities of an undead Bin Laden.  

"If is this is true, Bin Laden could commit his own suicide attacks and walk away completely unharmed," stated a military strategist. "I am glad General Franks dispelled these ugly rumors." 

When approached for comment, several Islamic clergymen would neither confirm nor deny the existence of a ceremony transporting mortals into the world of the undead.

Book signing - The Gilded Page Bookstore, Tarpon Springs, FL, Friday March 7th, 2025

 

My Spring 2025 Tour continues at The Gilded Page in Tarpon Springs on March 7th from 6pm to 9pm. This signing is a long time coming as Julia, the owner, and I have been talking about the best time to make this happen. We agreed the beginning of baseball season is the best time to do a signing of a baseball book. So I will be at The Gilded Page in conjunction with the Tarpon Springs downtown vendor fair. The Gilded Page is near the vendor fair so hopefully we get plenty of walk-ins.

I am excited and I hope to see everyone there!

 

Book signing Water Street Book Fair - March 12th, 2025

 

New date! The March 5th book fair was rescheduled until March 12th!

Big announcement!

I am part of the inaugural Water Street Cover to Cover Book Fair in downtown Tampa on Wednesday, March 12th, 2025. I have never been to Water Street, Tampa's new downtown district, so this is a great opportunity to explore and be a part of something new and exciting and hopefully sell a bunch of books.

Hope to see everyone there!