Not So Serious Movie Review: Track of the Moon Beast (1976)

Tonight's cinematic misadventure was Track of the Moon Beast (1976), a low budget horror about a dude who gets a piece of moon rock stuck in his head and turns into a giant lizard. The movie stars no one of any significance, although somewhere someone is proud of their grandfather for being in this.

As mentioned, the movie is about a guy, a loner who lives his mom, who enjoys stalking around the desert. He meets this photographer lady who falls in love with him in a few hours. They go to a cliff to watch a meteor shower and a piece of moon rock lands on Earth. A shard of this moon rock lands in this guy's head. After a few days of headaches, he merges with his pet iguana and becomes a giant lizard man. Giant lizard man then torments the town before getting shot with an arrow by a Native American professor.

This movie is listed as one of the dumbest movies of all-time and rightfully so. The character development is weak, the monster is a guy in a rubber suit, and pretty much all the dialogue is awkward and stilted.

Grade: 1 moon rock stars out of 5 

Not So Serious Movie Review: Best Defense (1984)

Tonight's cinematic misadventure was Best Defense (1984). This war comedy starred Dudley Moore and Eddie Murphy, enough comic firepower to topple the Soviets, pummel the Iraqis, and crush the Vietnamese.

Except, like the tank in the movie, it misfires. Badly. There has to be a good story behind how bad this movie is. Someone needs to tell the tale of why this was two completely different movies, weaved together through a really bad plot. While Moore plays an engineer designing tank parts in 1982, Murphy plays a tank commander in 1984 whose life depends on Moore's part. Along the way, however, is bumbling, stumbling, spying, espionage, murder, and more than enough sexual innuendos and racial stereotypes.

This movie could have been decent. As a matter of fact, it probably should be completely rebooted. The idea of a bumbling engineer who makes a part that saves a military unit might not be too bad. But trying to weave it into two comedies and filling the plot with side stories and bad jokes makes Best Defense downright offensive. 

Grade: 2 bad shots of 5.

Not So Serious Movie Review: The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)

Tonight's cinematic misadventure was The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) starring Tor Johnson and other people who don't really matter outside of IMDB.

The Beast of Yucca Flats is a bad movie watcher's mecca. It is so atrociously unwatchable it needs to be watched. There is a plot, at least, but even that is flimsy at best. There is very little dialogue, so the movie has that going for it. But it has a narrator. The movie is completely tell, rather than show.

As far as the plot, Tor Johnson plays a Soviet scientist - at least I think he is Soviet - on the run in the Yucca Flats. An atomic bomb explodes and Johnson turns into a lumbering beast, think George The Animal Steele meets Freddy Krueger without the cool parts of either of those characters.

The beast kills a few uninterested people - if I was in this movie I would uninterested as well. The police hunt him down. As I said, its bad. Even for low budget 1960s b-movies, its bad.

Grade: 1 beastly star out of 5.

 

Not So Serious Movie Review: Bill and Ted Face the Music (2020)

Tonight's cinematic adventure was the final Bill and Ted movie, Bill and Ted Face the Music. Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter return to the roles they played over 20 years ago to save all existence and to prevent time and space from breaking apart.

I went in with limited expectations. I was pleasantly surprised. Bill and Ted Face the Music was fun. They did a good job bring back old characters and integrating new characters, even if the Missy situation got a little weird, but I think that was the point.

I definitely liked how they brought in different musical characters, although I was curious how they selected who they selected (Kid Cudi, really?) or how they made up other characters. 

Overall, it was another excellent adventure.

5 excellent stars out of 5

What if Jesus came back as a stand-up comic?

I have been a fan of Tampa comic John Jacobs's work for a long time. He has an off-beat creative style that is hilarious and abstract and off-the-wall.

In his latest short movie, Jesus Talks, Jacobs plays Jesus Christ if Jesus were to come back to Earth as a stand-up comic. The premise is great and the delivery is divine. 

Of course Jesus would come back in a way that was preachy without being preachy. Of course He would return in a way that would make us look at ourselves and laugh. Of course Jesus would have a self-depreciating sense of humor. He is the Son of God, if he can't make fun of himself, then can any of us?

This movie reminded me of an old song entitled Talked to God by a rock group called The Uninvited. They had a few hits in the late 90s on alt-rock radio, but never made it huge. Their content however, was A+.

See if you can find the similarities.

911 Studios Reviews Curveball at the Crossroads

 

Good friend Adam from 911Studios reviewed and promoted my debut novel Curveball at the Crossroads.

Check out his video here:

Book Review of Curveball at the Crossroads by SportsChump

It always helps to have friends who write. My local friend Chris Humphreys of SportsChump.net volunteered to write a review of Curveball at the Crossroads. 

Although Chris vowed to be as unbiased as possible, I couldn't have asked for a better first review.

Check out what Chris had to say about Curveball at the Crossroads here:

Book Review: Curveball at the Crossroads by Michael Lortz - SportsChump.net

Curveball at the Crossroads Trailer

All good media needs a good trailer. A video that gets the audience pumped, gets them so excited they will line around the block to buy tickets.

This is definitely true for books. A good book trailer makes watchers into readers. It makes people want to find the book and voraciously read page after page. A good trailer is a hook that brings the reader into the boat, sits them down, makes them comfortable, brews them some nice tea, and puts the book in their hands.

Of course my new novel Curveball at the Crossroads needed a good trailer. So I recruited my friends Patro Mabili of WMNF 88.5 Tampa and sports radio personality Steve Carney to put some of the book to sound. I then worked with my friend Bill McCardle of Xtra Medium Productions out of Largo, Florida to put the the video together. Each of these guys were pros and did amazing work.

I must say this trailer is one of the best book trailers I have ever seen. It might be better than the trailer for Field of Dreams. I think so. After all, it is my story.

Curveball at the Crossroads available now

Buy Curveball at the Crossroads here.

I am super excited to announce that my first novel is now available for purchase. Entitled Curveball at the Crossroads, it is the story of a baseball player who makes a deal with the Devil after a career-ending injury. As he rises in success, he realizes eventually all deals come with a price. His deal with the Devil could cost him everything he cares about.

I worked on this book for over eight years. In 2012 and 2013, I wrote Weekly Book Updates on this site. It is interesting to go back and read my thoughts on the book from back then.

From March 2013,

I am happy to say the initial rough draft is done. And when I say it is rough, it is really rough. As a matter of fact, it is so rough I am still deliberating on one of three different titles.

(That's ok, the way I see it, Return of the Jedi was Revenge of the Jedi until a year before release. And while filming, the movie's code name was Blue Harvest. So that's three names too.)

I can however tell you what the book is about. I don't want to spoil it, but it's about baseball, the blues, the devil, the crossroads, and a deal gone wrong. It has humor, sports action, and enough mojo to hopefully keep every reader interested. At least that's the goal.

My plan now is to sit on this draft for a little while, at least until I get back to the states, then begin the editing process. There is of course a lot of work that needs to get done before I turn this draft of 120 pages and over 62,000 words of plot into a cohesive story. But such is the creative process.

I'm definitely excited.

What became Curveball at the Crossroads was initially written in 2012-2013. I edited and re-wrote a lot of it in 2013. Then I put it aside for a few years while I went back to school. In 2017, I worked on it a little bit, sent it to publishers, and received several rejection letters.

In 2020, during the height of the pandemic, when everything was closed, no sports were on, and boredom ruled, I dusted off the latest draft and began final tinkering. When I finally wrote an ending I liked, I started looking for independent Florida publishers. After a month of submissions, I found Legacy Book Publishing from Winter Park, Florida. 

After finally receiving an email of interest from a publisher, I drove to Legacy Book Publishing on June 23rd, 2020. I signed a contract and we got to work on making my draft a real novel.

On November 4th, Curveball at the Crossroads was listed on the Legacy Book Publishing website. It will be on Amazon in December 2020. But why support a trillion dollar company when you dollars can support local writers and local publishers?

As always, thank you for reading and thank you for your support.

Not So Serious Movie Review: Attack Force (2006)

Tonight's cinematic misadventure was Attack Force (2006) starring Steven Seagal. Seagal plays a special forces commander ....

Nope. You are not getting an attempt at a serious review. This movie doesnt deserve it. It is atrocious. According to reports, it was supposed to be an alien sci fi flick, but they turned it into a drug super serum flick halfway through. And the lead bad guy decides he is going to commit bioterrorism with the drug. So Seagal and his team raid a French village and start killing the residents who show effects of the super drug. Pretty sure that's a war crime.

None of the plot makes sense. The bad guys' eyes blink sideways because they are on "the drug", not because they were supposed to be aliens. The fight scenes are poorly shot. But worst of all, half of Seagal's lines are dubbed by another actor who sounds nothing like Seagal.

So so so bad.

Grade: 1 wtf star out of 5.