FOUND: Bin Laden satire from 2002

 

(I wrote this 23 years ago. I just found it in directory of essays and college papers. I was reading a lot The Onion and SatireWire back then. Bin Laden's 68th birthday is as good a time as any to finally publish this.)

 

Jan 18, 2002 

Tampa, FL-- US Central Command General Tommy Franks said Friday Osama Bin Laden is either "dead or alive"- not undead as reported by several Afghanistan news sources. 

News of Bin Laden becoming "undead" by way of an ancient Islamic ceremony reached US servicemen in Camp Rhino last week, scaring many. 

"I was shocked," commented one Army soldier. "Not only can we not find him, now we can't kill him if we did find him."  

These Afghan reports scared more than just US servicemen- people across the world pondered the ghastly possibilities of an undead Bin Laden.  

"If is this is true, Bin Laden could commit his own suicide attacks and walk away completely unharmed," stated a military strategist. "I am glad General Franks dispelled these ugly rumors." 

When approached for comment, several Islamic clergymen would neither confirm nor deny the existence of a ceremony transporting mortals into the world of the undead.

The US Army Unofficial Consensual Sex Flow Chart

I found this in a box of memories and decided to share it.

When I reported to my first military unit way back in the 1990s, I received a laminated flow chart to assist me in case I engaged in sexual relations. To this day, I am not sure the validity of this flow chart, nor do I know if it was authorized or not. I was new to the Army and like a good new soldier, I didn't ask questions.

If you can't read the above image, here are the instructions:

The Unofficial Consensual Sex Army Flow Chart

Step 1: Check individual's ID card for proof she is 18 or over. If no, do not proceed any further. If yes, go to Step 2.

Step 2: Check individual for wedding ring. If yes, do not go any further. If no, go to Step 3.

Step 3: Administer field sobriety test to insure person is not under the influence. If yes, do not go any further. If no, proceed to Step 4.

Step 4: Administer blood test to insure person has no communicable diseases. If yes, do not proceed any further. If no, go to Step 5.

Step 5: You are now ready to have sex. Go to Step 6.

Step 6: During the act, ensure you record the event to ensure the person at no time says no. If person does not speak English, ensure subtitles are used and notarized by a notary public.

Step 7: After completion of the act, get a signed affidavit from your party stating that she was willing during the whole event. This must also be witnessed by a notary public.

I can't say I used the consensual sex flow chart very often, but I did carry it with me.

The Man Causes Red Lights When You Are Late

Another video from my book The Man Makes You Work. Buy it now on Amazon.
 

The Man doesn't believe in funding the arts

 

Another life lesson from my book The Man Makes You Work.

Available here: The Man Makes You Work

Google called me a genius

 

I am not going to argue with Google. If Google says I am a genius, then I must be. The internet doesn't lie.

Reading The Man Makes You Work on YouTube

For the last few months, I have been creating short videos in which I read pieces from my book The Man Makes You Work. I post these videos both on my TikTok page and on YouTube, where they are considered Shorts.

At 15 seconds each, these are perfect bit-sized commercials for The Man Makes You Work. They also provide me over 510 opportunities to mention The Man Makes You Work on social media.

So I have decided to post a few of these videos here on occasion. Here is the first one I did back in February. 

These are super fun to make and are quick easy content. Expect more of them here.

And if it gets deleted or shut down, blame The Man.

The Funniest Book About The Man Ever

Almost two years ago, I self-published a little joke book that detailed everything The Man did to make lives miserable.

The book didn't do great sales - I blame The Man - but I have been able to share it with a few celebrities to include comic Cristela Alonzo and rapper extraordinaire RA The Rugged Man.

The Man Makes You Work is still available on Amazon for the low price of $7.50 paperback or kindle for $4.95 or free if you have Kindle Unlimited.

That's a great deal for a fun, fantastic read.

  

What if Jesus came back as a stand-up comic?

I have been a fan of Tampa comic John Jacobs's work for a long time. He has an off-beat creative style that is hilarious and abstract and off-the-wall.

In his latest short movie, Jesus Talks, Jacobs plays Jesus Christ if Jesus were to come back to Earth as a stand-up comic. The premise is great and the delivery is divine. 

Of course Jesus would come back in a way that was preachy without being preachy. Of course He would return in a way that would make us look at ourselves and laugh. Of course Jesus would have a self-depreciating sense of humor. He is the Son of God, if he can't make fun of himself, then can any of us?

This movie reminded me of an old song entitled Talked to God by a rock group called The Uninvited. They had a few hits in the late 90s on alt-rock radio, but never made it huge. Their content however, was A+.

See if you can find the similarities.

2020 Reboot of Trading Places

Trading Places is a comedy classic. Starring Eddie Murphy, Dan Aykroyd, and Jamie Lee Curtis, the movie explores race and social status and the power the rich have over each. It is a classic tale of swapping positions in society and what would happen.

But could it be remade in 2020? If so, what would happen? How would the script play out?

We begin on the streets of Philadelphia:

A homeless, down-on-his-luck Eddie Murphy collides with investor Dan Aykroyd. Aykroyd calls the police and falsely accuses Eddie Murphy of assaulting him. Someone with a phone records the incident. Aykroyd is shamed on social media, the cops give him a ticket, the Dukes fire him for publicly embarrassing the firm, he loses his job, his girlfriend, and ends up homeless.

Meanwhile, the attention of Aykroyd's actions gives Murphy a chance to do a GoFundMe to get back on his feet. He makes more than he expects and goes to community college, where he meets Jamie Lee Curtis. Curtis, a black sheep niece of the Dukes, is currently laid off of her job at a Hooters because of a global pandemic and has resorted to creating an OnlyFans account to make ends meet. The duo create an alternative financial firm and follow the advice of an anonymous online investor.

They find out the anonymous advisor is Aykroyd. Murphy and Curtis make Aykroyd recognize his privilege and resign never to weaponize 911 again. Together, the trio out-innovate the struggling Dukes firm until the Dukes are bailed out by their political connections in Washington DC.

The ultimate 2020 movie.

Remembering Redman on MTV Cribs

I recently rediscovered the Holy Grail of celebrity showcase shows: MTV Cribs 2001 episode with rapper Redman. Redman has always been a favorite of mine and this show was a great reason why. It was funny and dirty and raw, far different from the extravagant displays of wealth other MTV celebrities had on Cribs.

Redman's place looked more like my own and still does than any million dollar mansion. Living below your means keeps you hungry. Living well should be a reward for hard work, but if you aren't where you want to be, keep that cheap place with no screen in the door and a box full of dollar bills atop the fridge.

Did he just say Bull Semen?

While channel surfing last night I came across the VS Network's Professional Bull Riders (PBR) World Finals ABBI Bucking Bull Sale. Wow. The NFL and NBA draft for bulls!

Although far from an expert in bull auctions, I watched the team of announcers analyze each bull, their value, and their pedigree. Understandable, I guess you would want the biggest bad-ass bull to have little bad-ass bull babies. Everything you wanted to know was right there. There was a ticker line on the bottom announcing previous acquisitions and how much they went for, a profile box on the left of the screen showcasing the latest bull to be picked, and even guests talking about their latest picks.

Then completely unexpectedly one of the announcers started talking about bull semen. I was stupified. Uh, where did that come from?

Can you imagine the NFL Draft or the NBA Draft analysts discussing the intricacies of a pick's semen? Imagine them saying, "This player has tremendous upside. Although I had him going a little lower, you gotta like a guy who is long, can play the 3 or the 4, can shoot the jumper, get his own rebound, and has high quality semen."

Or "This is a horrible pick for the Broncos. This guy was a backup JUCO transfer two years ago, had a poor forty time at the combine, and his semen is just terrible. Bad, bad pick."

Little did I know this is an issue in bull acquisition. See here or here. They even have tanks to put the semen in. Amazing. It got me to thinking: how long until human athletes are drafted on their pedigree? Will we soon get bids on Nomar Garciaparra and Mia Hamm's unborn superstar? Or how about Andre Aggasi and Stefi Graf's future tennis champion?

You know it's a shame Wilt Chamberlain is dead, he could have made a fortune.

Battle for the Last Brew

Many moons ago, back in my college days, my roommate and I played a game called "Hide the Last Beer". The rules were simple: when there were two beers left in the fridge, the person getting the second-to-last-beer would hide the last beer in the vegetable crisper drawer and then play it off like their beer was the last one. After finishing the second-to-last beer, the drinking roommate would then go back to the fridge to remove the "hidden" beer and have a good laugh at the duped roommate's expense.

It worked every time.

Looking back, I am glad I had a roommate who could take a joke. Other roommates might not have been so forgiving. Back in Dec 2002, for example, a man was convicted after shooting his roommate after the roommate drank the last beer.

"There was only two beers left, so I took one, and I told Willie not to take my last beer".

Buzzfeed, Amy Schumer, and Me

Way back in November 2016, comedian Amy Schumer blocked me on twitter for something I said. Not sure what it was, but whatever it was, she didn't want to hear from me anymore. That's her opinion.

A few days ago, comedian Bert Kreischer asked his followers to name the most famous person to block them. I sent Bert an image of Amy Schumer's page telling I was blocked. It became quite popular among the replies.

(Btw, I met Bert. He did a video for me. He is a fellow FSU alumnus. We are cool.)

A day after Bert's post, writer Ryan Schocket wrote about Bert's post on Buzzfeed.com. Schocket used my post to Bert as the number one example of twitter users getting blocked by famous people.

Let me repeat: I'm the number one example of someone blocked by someone famous.

I guess I have that going for me now.

In case you are curious, this is a post with a screenshot about a post about a tweet reply to a tweet that screenshot another reply to a tweet.

Music to My Years by Cristela Alonzo Review

How do you review a book about someone's life? It is their story. There is no way I could possibly say they didn't tell their story the right way.

But if there is a right way to tell a life story, it is in comedian Cristela Alonzo's book Music to My Years.

Music to My Years is part biography, part musical journey. Cristela breaks down parts of her life by the songs that meant the most to her during those times, from the Golden Girls theme song to a song off the latest Tribe Called Quest album. Each song is like an episode that defines who Cristela is.

Personal backstory: I only "discovered" Cristela about a year ago. I think I saw a clip of her on Comedy Central social media and then followed her Instagram and twitter. I don't watch much TV, so I had no idea she had a show on network TV. I had no idea how long she had done comedy and I had no idea of her backstory. Everything about her was new to me. I just knew she was funny.

As I followed her on social media, I got a feeling about how real she is. Her near-daily social media chronicles her going to Pilates, going to Wal-Mart, going to Disney World, etc. Everything in her life seems so normal. I go to the gym, I go to Wal-Mart, and I have been to Disney.

Celebrities, they are just like you!

Although she has been successful, Cristela doesn't seem like a big shot celebrity. She seems like a real person who really cares about her family and friends. That same persona comes through in her book. She honestly discusses her fears, anxieties, and successes. She talks about the things that held her back, the times she fought to move forward, and the times success made her cry tears of joy.

All of this with a dash of humor and musical trivia.

My background could not be more different than Cristela's. Whereas she grew up poor in a Texas border town, I grew up on Long Island and Central Florida in white middle class suburbia. Everyone I aspired to be either looked like me or was at least my gender. Society never told me "no". So to read Cristela's hopes and dreams was aspiring and made me root for her even more.

Although our roots are different, I could relate to Cristela's career struggle. For the last 10 years, I have been pushing to find a stable career. Something I enjoy, something fulfilling, and somewhere they want me to succeed. Even with two master's degrees and international experience, I have had 9 jobs in 9 years. I live in a small apartment with used furniture and a TV that is old enough to vote because I am not willing to compromise. I want a job that allows me to thrive, not one that is paint by numbers. I will be successful, I guarantee. Just don't put me in a box.

Like Cristela, I have turned down great opportunities because I didn't think they were good fits.

Like Cristela, certain songs have defined who I am. For example, here is a story I have never told before.

In late 2005, I was finishing up my first master's degree. My master's thesis was a 90+ page paper on the Kurdish Peshmerga - the military forces in Northern Iraq. I worked long and hard, burying myself in the university library for weeks on end. I was there so often I was on a first name basis with the library staff. I finally submitted my paper in late November. A few weeks later I was scheduled to defend my research before a panel of professors. Even though I was confident, the ordeal was still stressful.

On the day of my defense, I drove to campus listening to Leela James's song "Long Time Coming" off her first album A Change is Gonna Come. If you have never heard Leela, she is an amazing throwback to when R&B had soul. Her voice comes from the days of Aretha Frankin and Marvin Gaye.

Long Time Coming is one of the last songs on her first album, but I think it is one of the most powerful. It starts out with a blast of horns and then rides into a very funky guitar. After a few moments Leela begins to talk, and then sing one of the most personally inspirational songs I have heard.

Ya'll this evening
Ante up, time to let the trumpets sound
Crown me later, I'm a take my crown now
Been writing for 'bout 10 yrs now
And finally the real truth is coming out
You can't stop it 'cause this is God's plan
I know some of y'all just don't understand
And now ya twisted, can't believe it's me
Get it, it's Leela sho nuff
It's been a long time since ya heard it like this
It's been a long time since ya felt it like this
It's been a long time since ya seen it like this
'Cause ain't nobody bringing it quite like this
I've been praying for a time like this
And I've been waiting for a time like this
I've been talking 'bout a time like this

The entire song is about Leela's struggle to get where she is. On my way to my first academic defense, I didn't want to listen to anything aggressive or anything that would cause me to be too hyped, but I wanted to feel confident. "Long Time Coming" was the perfect song at the perfect time. Every time I have heard it since, I think of that drive to campus in my suit and tie, copies of my thesis in hand, ready to answer any questions about my research the board may have.

Although there were a few questions I stumbled on, I did well. One of the professors even said my thesis was one of the best he had read in a long time. My thesis was approved and I passed my graduate program. A few weeks later I walked across the stage at the graduation ceremony, ready to take on the world.

I like to think Leela James had something to do with my graduation.

Cristela Alonzo's book Music to My Years is all about moments like that. I recommend it.

Steak Break The Movie Review

Tampa comic John Jacobs is a genius.

Tampa comic John Jacobs wasted his time.

Neither of these statements may be true. Both of these statements might be true.

This dichotomy is the essence of Jacobs's new movie, Steak Break. On its surface, the movie is about a performer testing his abilities in an entertainment district and hoping to raise enough money in passerby contributions to buy a steak at a local restaurant.

But the movie and Jacobs's purpose is far deeper. Between clips of Jacobs telling jokes, dancing, singing, dribbling a basketball, and attempting skateboard tricks is an inner dialogue Jacobs has with himself, questioning the purpose of the endeavor. Is he really there to raise money for dinner? Or is he trying to test the limits of his skills by performing for hours on a street corner? Or is he trying to better understand the psyche of his audience and what they will pay for? How much is performance art really worth?

Although the movie never mentions how long Jacobs performed on the streets of Ybor City, we can assume from the background that he was there for at least 8 hours. He starts in the middle of the day as passerbys are either tourists or people on their way to or from work, many of whom can't be bothered by the guy singing on a corner. By the end of the movie, he is engaging with barflies and club goers, some of whom take over his role with their own antics.

Somewhere in between - I believe it was near or after 8pm - I crossed path with Jacobs while on my way back from dinner. By then, he was joined by fellow local comic Clark Brooks. My interaction with Jacobs and Brooks is in the movie at the 42:00 mark.

 
Jacobs engages with many interesting characters, from a lady in a wheelchair who says he is great, to a freestyle rapper, to a young couple who got engaged moments earlier. By the end of the movie, their stories and interactions become almost as much of a story as Jacob's quest to earn money for food.

Following his interactions with Ybor City's nightlife, Jacobs finally calls it a night. He then checks his hat to see how much he received for his hours of performing. Did he make money, and if so, was it enough for a steak? If he did make enough money, did the buy the steak?

Was the endeavor worth the trouble?

Steak Break The Movie is a film about a quest. A quest to make money, a quest to test the limits of human performance, and lastly, a quest to determine the value of art. For these, Jacobs doesn't have to be good. He just has to endure.

Watching Steak Break, I wondered how the movie would have progressed if one passerby dropped a $100 bill into Jacobs's hat in the first hour. With $100 Jacobs could have bought multiple steaks. Had this happened Steak Break would not have been as interesting. Without the struggle, Steak Break probably would have been boring.

And while he may or may not be a genius, John Jacobs is anything but boring.

Watch Steak Break The Movie below:

Meeting Cristela Alonzo in Tampa

Last month I had the awesome opportunity to see comedian, writer, actress, and activist Cristela Alonzo live in Tampa. She was hilarious. Afterwards, I bought her new book and gave her a copy of mine. We both signed our respective books for the other. Very cool moment.

Blocked by Jim Breuer

A few years ago, I replied to a tweet by comedian Amy Schumer. Schumer must not have liked my reply and she blocked me. I wrote about the incident here.

I always thought that was strange. I don't engage with celebrities very often, so to get that harsh of a response from someone for what I thought was a benign comment was odd. But that's how she rolls, I guess.

Recently I had another twitter incident with another famous comic. One I have seen live a few times and admire his roles in movies and other media.

But alas, I've been blocked by Jim Breuer.

It all started a few weeks ago when I read an article on UltimateClassicRock.com entitled "Are Opening Acts a Thing of the Past?". The article details how Metallica is no longer touring with an opening act, instead opting to have Breuer, a longtime fan, act as MC to get the crowd warmed up.

The logic of the move to eliminate the opening act is that according to promoters, few fans are there to see the openers, so it is best to skip the formalities and jump right into Metallica. Which I can attest is a stupid idea. In 1999, I saw Sevendust, Creed, and Kid Rock open for Metallica in front of 75,000 fans at the Orange Bowl in Miami, and although each band was relatively new, they all kicked ass prior to the headliner.

But oddly, Breuer agrees with Metallica's new touring philosophy. He states the following:

From a comedian, I found this to be out of touch. Opening acts are part of the show, both in comedy and rock. I have seen Jim Breuer do stand-up a few times. Every time, there was an opening act.

So I tweeted my disagreement with Breuer's stance.

Breuer must have seen the tweet and not liked my opinion of his opinion as he replied:

Pretty sure Breuer didn't read the article before replying and telling me to take a nap. Which is unfortunate, because then we might have had an intelligent discourse on opening acts and modern tours. Maybe I am reading his comments the wrong way. But alas, Breuer was quick with block button, forbidding me from ever seeing his tweets again.

But I think there is another force at play here. I don't think Breuer was quick with the block because he was being a jerk, although that is a possibility. I think his emotions were running high on another target and I was collateral damage.

Jim Breuer is a huge Mets fan and the Mets were not having a good night.

Sometimes the Mets bring out the worst in people.

The next time Breuer comes to Tampa, I will buy a ticket. I am still a fan and I hold no ill will. I think think he is a funny dude. But I will print out the tweet calling me the "great critic of jerk patrol" and ask if he will autograph it. Maybe I will even make and wear a t-shirt that says "great critic of jerk patrol" and ask for a picture with Breuer.

You can't take life or twitter seriously.

Jon Stewart and Leadership on Display in Tampa

Recently I had the pleasure of meeting comic legend Jon Stewart. He was in town supporting the 2019 Warrior Games, a series of athletic events involving wounded military members from the US and several other countries. He has supported the Warrior Games as spokesperson for several years.

I noticed a few things about Jon Stewart while he was here in Tampa. One, I didn't realize how short he was. I am 6'1 and he was quite shorter than I am. I thought he would be taller.

But more importantly, I realized firsthand how Jon Stewart worked with people. Throughout the ceremonies and at the events, I never once saw one of the most famous comedians in America put himself first. He was an amplifier and cheerleader of the real attractions of the event: the disabled veteran athletes of the US Armed Forces.

At the Opening Ceremonies, Stewart served as an MC, handing the floor to Generals, the teams, and local politicians who spoke about the event. The famous comedian was just there to facilitate.

At the Closing Ceremonies, Stewart even went so far to step to the rear-most part of the stage while the athletes were getting their awards. Although he brought attention to the athletes and to his other efforts with the 9/11 responders, he wanted little credit himself.

Then I realized stepping aside is a common trait for Jon Stewart. On The Daily Show, Stewart served as MC, letting his correspondents report and his guests tell their story. Although he got his jokes in, Stewart was the pilot as he was at the Warrior Games.

Of course, The Daily Show prospered under Stewart's stewardship. But it also spawned several other shows and careers, to include Stephen Colbert, Steve Carrell, Samantha Bee, Ed Helms, and John Oliver. Jon Stewart let those careers grow under his watch.

Other writers have noticed Jon Stewart's positive leadership. In this Inc. article, they listed 5 leadership traits that Stewart displayed at The Daily Show.

• Work harder than everyone else.
• Surround yourself with better people.
• Demonstrate humble intelligence and polite sincerity.
• Learn to ask questions and listen.
• Find your daily “Moment of Zen.”

Likewise, a recent Forbes article pointed out Stewart's ability to challenge the status quo, inspire collaboration, and inspire purpose. Business Insider called Stewart a "superboss" because of his ability to promote other's careers.

I wonder how many of these leadership traits were learned and how many came naturally to Jon Stewart. Where did he learn the confidence to put others first? Was it learned in improv, where you are only as good as your partner on stage? Did he have a mentor? Was these traits learned as the leader of The Daily Show? Or was it something Jon brought to comedy from an earlier age?

However he learned it, I would buy a book on leadership by Jon Stewart. 

Jon Stewart looks for the Warrior Games Torch in Tampa

The 2019 Warrior Games is being held in Tampa, Florida this week. The Warrior Games is a competition involving wounded military members of the US Armed Forces and several other national militaries, to include the Brits, Canadians, Australians, and more.

Like other international Olympic games, the Warrior Games begins with a torch lightning ceremony. But unfortunately, before the event could begin in Tampa, the torch was missing. Special Operations Command - the US Military's elite forces - had to call in the only man with the skill to find the torch and bring it home:

Jon Stewart

Stewart and his team of local celebrities, Mayor Jane Castor, WWE Superstar Titus O'Neil, Warrior Games athlete SSG Lauren Montoya, and City Councilman Luis Viera hunted throughout Tampa for the torch.

While on his hunt for the torch, Titus O'Neil boarded a Tampa trolley. Meanwhile, I was minding my business, riding the trolley, wondering what I was going to eat for lunch. Suddenly, I was approached by the hulking WWE superstar who thought I was hiding something.

I was petrified. I had to swear I didn't have the torch. Luckily, soon after, they found the perps - Thunderbug, mascot of the Tampa Bay Lightning, and former mayor Bob Buckhorn.

PowerPoint Platforms and Coming Back to Comedy

I did stand-up comedy years ago. I wasn't very good. I wasn't very good because I didn't do it enough to be good. But like most comics, I got better as I went along. I was terrible in Tampa, ok in Ocala, and got a few laughs in Lakeland.

Then the bombing Afghanistan happened.

That was 2012. I have barely been on stage since. I like to say I left Afghanistan with PTSD - post-traumatic silence disorder. That's what happens when a comic gets so shook after a bad set they never get back on stage.

But a recent article in Vulture.com made me think that maybe in 2019 is the year I return to comedy.

Entitled "Why is PowerPoint Having a Comedy Moment?", the article discusses how several comics are blending PowerPoint presentations into their sets. I am great at PowerPoint. I can do that.

I know, I know. Comedy is about being funny first, props and gimmicks second. Comedy isn't a TED Talk, the audience should be focused on the performer, not words on a screen. But that's when I'll make a slide with a big arrow pointing back to me. The eyes of the audience will follow the arrow back to me. Easy as microwavable pie.

As a medium, PowerPoint is easy for comedy. Every slide can build suspense opening the door for a visual twist. Images also keep people interested if the comic is not. Slides give the audience something read.

And I've already made a presentation that is perfect for comedy: my Guide to Winning a Woman's Interest.





To date, this video has only has 177 views on YouTube. But what if I brought it to comedy shows? What if my entire YouTube channel was filled with funny presentations?

Comedy is calling me again and my perfect platform is PowerPoint.