(I wrote this 23 years ago. I just found it in directory of essays and college papers. I was reading a lot The Onion and SatireWire back then. Bin Laden's 68th birthday is as good a time as any to finally publish this.)
Jan 18, 2002
Tampa, FL-- US Central Command General Tommy Franks said Friday Osama Bin Laden is either "dead or alive"- not undead as reported by several Afghanistan news sources.
News of Bin Laden becoming "undead" by way of an ancient Islamic ceremony reached US servicemen in Camp Rhino last week, scaring many.
"I was shocked," commented one Army soldier. "Not only can we not find him, now we can't kill him if we did find him."
These Afghan reports scared more than just US servicemen- people across the world pondered the ghastly possibilities of an undead Bin Laden.
"If is this is true, Bin Laden could commit his own suicide attacks and walk away completely unharmed," stated a military strategist. "I am glad General Franks dispelled these ugly rumors."
When approached for comment, several Islamic clergymen would neither confirm nor deny the existence of a ceremony transporting mortals into the world of the undead.
