Monday, July 28, 2008

Loss of the Party School Crown

This just about pissed me off:

University of Florida Rated Top Party School

To all current and future students of Florida State University:

This is utterly unacceptable. As Seminoles, we have a responsibility and a tradition to uphold. Those heathens from the south are not and will never be better than us. I am going to assume the Princeton Review missed their annual trip to Tallahassee and just out of ignorance ranked us tenth.



Don't make me have to drive up there with a few kegs of O'Douls and start my own party. Because I'll do it.

Oh, and to those from the unmentionable school whom Princeton Review claims is the best party school in the nation:

At least when we won top party school in 1996 and 1999 it was before we won our latest national championship. We didn't need three championship parties to put us over the top.

Monday, July 21, 2008

How Now, Frau Vow? Thoughts on weddings

Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn't, but I haven't posted in nearly a week. My most humble apologies. I was out of town attending a friend's wedding.

So now I'm back. With my friend's wedding now in the past, my thoughts are now drifting towards my own possible nuptials. When that day comes I want to be ready.

Whereas there have been other male suggestions through the years, here is a few things I want to happen if I ever tie the knot.

Encourage the Wave - Although I am not a big fan of the wave, I would highly encourage any family, friend, or complete stranger to start the wave during my ceremony. How cool would that be?

Say My Vows in the Third Person - How absolutely great would it be if when el padre asks "Do you, Jordi Scrubbings, take the future Mrs Scrubbings to be your wife?", I say, "Jordi does."

Wrestling Introductions - Although it might be a little low-class to mention people's weight as they walk into the reception, I think it would be great to have someone like Howard Finkle announce the incoming bride and groom and their associates. "Ladies and gentlemen, now entering the reception, the reason you are all here, the newwwwwww nuptial champions of the world, Mr. and Mrs. Jordi Scrubbings."

Sign a Program, Win a Dance - You know how at the ballpark the public address announcer will bellow something to the effect of "Hey fans! If your program is signed on page 37 by The San Diego Chicken you win a prize"? Well, I want to do that during my reception. Only instead of a box of Cracker Jacks, the lucky winner will be able to dance with the bride. "Hey friends and family, if your program is signed by Jordi, you win a dance with the bride!"

Imagine that.

It's easy, if you try.

Monday, July 14, 2008

New Florida State University Softball Coach ... Me

Although the fine gentlemen of usually do a great job of keeping the Florida State faithful up to speed on the FSU softball program, they are sadly lacking on the lastest development in the search for a new Head Coach.

That's right, I still have some strings in Tallahassee. There are a few bridges I didn't burn down, for emergency purposes of course.

What the guys at don't want you to know is that I applied for the Softball Head Coaching position. What they fail to tell you is that I was told I would receive a Super Squirrel Ultra Top Secret offer from the university, details of which I can not disclose.

But for those curious as to whether or not I have what it takes to coach softball, let's take a look at Florida State University job opening number 25613 and see how I stack up:

A Bachelor's degree and two years of appropriate work experience.

(Check. As a matter of fact I got my Bachelor's from FSU - bonus points for me.)

Knowledge of sports medicine as it pertains to the training and performance of student-athletes.

(Check. I've been reading Will Carroll's stuff for over a year.)

Skills in the application of coaching methods to motivate the student-athlete in sports academic performance and in life's experience.

(Check. When I quit my local softball team - see? more experience - a couple of guys said they would miss my upbeat enthusiasm. To be modest, I'm a fan of the rally cap.)

Knowledge of NCAA, ACC, and University rules regulations. This position requires a police background check.

(Check, again. I worked for the university while I was a student. I know a whole bunch of loopholes, er ..., academic possibilities. And as for the NCAA, just think of the most tyrannical, nonsensical rule possible, and that's the NCAA. So check, once again.)

Intercollegiate coaching experience at the Division I level.

(Only preferred, right? Let's leave that box blank.)

This position is responsible for the management and administration of all phases of a sports program in a manner that upholds the philosophy, mission, and objectives of the Department of Athletics.

(Win, win, win. Got it.)

Develop, coordinate, and direct all phases of the women's softball program as it pertains to personnel (including hiring and supervision of assistant coaches, staff, undergraduate/graduate assistants and volunteers) and their responsibilities, budgeting, scheduling, travel, meals, scholarship allocation, recruiting, scouting, purchase and care of equipment, coaching, giving appropriate direction to student-athletes as it relates to academics, while adhering to all NCAA, ACC, Athletic Department, and University rules and regulations.

(Wow. That's a lot to do. But I am multi-versatile and have great tremendous coaching upside. Did I mention I am also synergistic?)

Promote women's softball through community events and public relations activities.

(That's easy. Car washes and bake sales. Car washes and bake sales. If not, I'll beat the door with Title IX. Give me some of that football money, Bobby. It's not like you are winning anyway.)

Work with the Director of Athletics in conveying policy or its interpretation.

(I think the AD will be a little more concerned with the well-doings of the football team to be occupied with me. But if not, that's what booster money is for. Hooray Boosters!)

In keeping with the University policy for equal opportunity and pluralism, the coach will provide a climate and culture that brings together and promotes through education, all individuals without regard to their background, race, origins, gender, culture, religions, beliefs, physical, or mental abilities.

(Umm.... does this mean I have to let all sorts of people on my softball team? What about drag queens? What about this guy? Or better yet ...)

(This job is so mine.)