Thursday, May 24, 2007

Talking Michael Vick with Navin Johnson

Born a poor black child, Navin Johnson made his mark on America when he invented Opti-grab, a small apparatus designed to make wearing and removing eye glasses easier. After a class action suit was filed against him, Johnson lost millions and was forced to return to relative obscurity. During his stay at the top, however, Johnson became famous for his passion against the mistreatment of animals, especially such heinous crimes as fish teasing, plant abusing, and pet dressing.

Unfortunately, Mr. Navin Johnson all but disappeared in the early 1980s. After nearly a week of searching, The Serious Tip was able to track down Mr. Johnson and ask him a few questions regarding the recent accusations leveled against NFL superstar Michael Vick.

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The Serious Tip: Mr. Johnson, it's a pleasure to finally talk to you.

Navin Johnson: I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name sir?

TST: I’m Jordi Scrubbings from The Serious Tip and I'd like to talk with you for a moment. You know, you were quite difficult to hunt down. I had to find your name in the phone book.

NJ: Are you kidding?! Page 73, Johnson, Navin, R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity, your name in print, that makes people. I'm in print!

TST: Congratulations. Yes, yes you are. Anyway, I hear you still do promotional work here and there to stop the misuse of animals for recreational purposes. After your failed Opti-grab venture, are you able to survive on just your reputation as an animal advocate? How much are you able to bring in these days?

NJ: I don't want to say how much I'm getting, but let’s just say it’s a lot.

TST: Well, why go back into stopping animal cruelty? Why not stay in Mississippi? Why continue the work you started so long ago with Father Carlos Las Vegas De Cordova?

NJ: Well, when I was a kid my mom told me... there goes my special purpose! And someday I'd find out what my special purpose was!

TST: You and your special purpose have done great work. Mr. Johnson, I am sure you have heard of the accusations leveled at NFL superstar Michael Vick over what may or may not have happened at his spare home. What was your initial reaction?

NJ: Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a god that would let this happen??

TST: Actually, Mr. Johnson, it was dog fighting, not cat juggling.

NJ: Glad you told me.

TST: So what do you think Mike Vick said to convince those dogs to participate in his vicious dog fighting tournaments?

NJ: I've heard about dogs like you! You're going to be famous! You're gonna get your picture taken and they'll put it in the paper! Gosh, this is exciting!

TST: What do you think of the fact that Roger Goodell might suspend Vick for his involvement?

NJ: Good. Shithead.

TST: So I take it you don’t like Mr. Vick?

NJ: Yes sir. I damn thee!

TST: Wow, that’s quite harsh.

If the accusations are found to be false, do you think Mike Vick can recover, and if so, what might go through his mind on his way to clear his image?

NJ: Maybe you've hit bottom, but I haven't hit bottom yet! I got a ways to go. And I'm gonna to bounce back, and when I do, I'm going to buy a diamond so big it's going to make you puke!

TST: Finally, any advice for Mr. Vick as his situation progresses?

NJ: Good luck. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it.

TST: Spoken from experience, I’m sure. Thank you for your time Mr. Johnson.

NJ: O.k. Thanks for the company. I hope I can repay you someday.

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