My latest not so serious cinematic misadventure: From Justin to Kelly (2003)
I have been putting this movie off for years. The time wasn't right.
But there is never a good time for this movie. Ever. According to the internet, forcing someone to watch this is punishable in 47 countries. Any viewing is considered cruel and unusual punishment in Rwanda, Singapore, and Turkmenistan.
This movie makes the Star Wars Christmas Special look like Casablanca.
Grade: 1 sunburnt generic bikini song of 5
Kinda a mess, kinda warms my heart.
Takes a lot of creative liberties in the plot. I have so many questions. Still, a million times better than the Star Wars Holiday Special.
Grade: 3 flying wizard ghosts out of 5
This is a cult classic. An MST3K classic as well. It is widely regarded as a flop and one of the worst movies ever.
I have watched some bad movies. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is not that bad. It is infinitely better than The Star Wars Holiday Special.
As goofy as this movie is, it sticks to the plot. It's just low budget. It is hardly the worst low budget movie of all time. I am not sure where this movie got its bad reputation from.
Is it a top 5 holiday movie? No. Top 100 holiday movie? Probably not.
But if you are looking for campy holiday fun, you might want to check out Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It is definitely more of a Christmas movie than Die Hard. I would also watch this before 99% of the Lifetime Holiday Movies. They don't have a guy in a cheap bear suit.
Grade: 4 goofy galactic stars out of 5
Why?
It's bad.
Not as bad as The Star Wars Holiday Special, but far worse than Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
I would rather watch Cousin Eddie empty the sh*tter for 90 minutes.
I'm sorry I told you this movie exists.
Don't watch it.
Grade: 1 metal head plates out of 5
I've been fortunate to not lose many friends in my life. I've lost a brother, my Dad, grandparents, classmates, etc. But only a few friends. And of the friends I've lost, most were friends from long ago. That changed on December 1st, 2025.
Andrew Hill (aka Ton) was a good friend. He was part of our small group of friends who care for and take care of our friend Nick, who has battled with Parkinson's for over a decade. Most my interactions with Ton were through Nick and because of Nick. I hope you don't mind the weaving of others in these stories and recollections. That's how you know your circle of friends becomes family.
I first met Ton in early 2018 at a birthday party for the legendary (and also very humble and friendly) DJ Sandman at a now-destroyed roller rink in South Tampa. Due to his health, Nick moved back to Spring Hill, Florida after years in Tampa and I didn't see him often. When I went to Sandman's party, Nick was accompanied by this large man who was catering to Nick's every need. I had no idea who this dude was or where he came from. But it was clear from the get-go he was there for Nick. His compassion quickly squashed any suspicion.
Through Nick, I learned Ton had a huge heart. As Nick lived with Ton, Ton would open his home and be a gracious host whenever Nick wanted to have people over to watch WWE events. Ton even drove Nick to a NXT (WWE Minor League) event in 2019 in Tampa so we could all go to a show together. That was the night Ton discovered my penchant for wearing giant afro wigs to wrestling events as well as my habit for trash talking wrestlers. Ton thought it was hilarious that after a few whiny fans complained to security and wanted me thrown out for yelling at the wrestlers, security sided with me rather than the overly-sensitive fans.
Over the years, there was always an open line of communication in our circle. While some conversations inevitably covered what we were doing for Nick, we also talked about several other things, such as Ton's history in hip-hop or family or anything else. Ton was always eager to support whatever project I had going on, such as my novel or my project documenting the life of Tampa DJ Kenny K. Ton had much love for his friends and wanted them to succeed and he wanted to help.
Even as his own health started to falter, Ton would still call me and ask how he could help Nick. As Nick moved into a permanent care facility, Ton would still offer his last dollar to buy Nick food or other needed items. I would often tell Ton to focus on himself, but he insisted and continued to give. He would always talk about helping Nick. In one of our more outlandish conversations, Ton suggested we bring Nick a few adult entertainers for his birthday.
This year, Ton added to the conversation his proposed wedding with his fiance Darlene. When I told him that I am an ordained minister, Ton asked if I would wear the big afro wig and dress up like a pimp to marry them. Of course I said yes. Ton would then call me every week with another themed idea or another interesting location to host their pending nuptials. I was up for every idea he suggested. How could I refuse?
Most recently, Ton would appear in my chatrooms while I was entertaining the internet on TikTok. Whether online or in person, he continued to support me and even offered to make videos promoting my book. I'm sure they would have been hilarious.
Ton was a great dude with a great heart. We lost one of our brothers. He will be missed.
A few months ago, I reviewed Sharknado starring Joel D Wynkoop. Joel is known as the "King of the B Movies" and lives near Tampa. I've been following him on social media for years.
When he posted on facebook that he was looking for people to be in his latest film "Beast Mode", I answered the call. Keep in mind, I don't have much acting experience. As a matter of fact, my IMDB page only lists my roles in "Flash Vs The Aliens" and my appearance in comedian John Jacob's Steak Break as my only roles. Which is 100% true because I made my IMDB page that is legitimately all I have been in.
To my surprise, Joel wanted me to be a news reporter. I had to interview the superhero known as Ray Blast, defender of Sunnyville. That's right up my alley. Perfect casting.
From what I heard, Beast Mode will be released in early 2026. About the same time as my new novel. 2026 is turning into a big year for my creative projects.
Many thanks to Joel and his wife Cathy for letting me be involved in Beast Mode. I hope this is the start of something new and fun that I can add to my creative legacy.
On a personal note, this will be my first visit to Minneola City Hall since April 2024, and the last wXw show. I spent 15 years supporting professional wrestling there and making friends that turned into family. I haven't been back since the last wXw show and the passing of the legendary Afa Anoa'i. It's gonna be sad, but I hope all the good vibes I've had in that building help me sell some books.
Should be a great event. Hope to see you there!
I wanted to like this book so much more. Three teenage rock fans from Florida get into death metal, go to LA for the Glam scene, then end up in Norway during the height of the Black Metal craze. A metal version of Forrest Gump.
The characters are unlikeable. They never really click as a unit. Their conversations are always antagonistic or purposefully misleading. They never say what they feel. That gets old quick.
The cameos felt forced. The climax was very rushed. And the epilogue was terrible. Kira, who is way too Manic Pixie Dream Girl, is so poorly resolved that I feel she will still have problems unless she gets into therapy or rehab. I was hoping to read that in the epilogue, but sadly there is no sign of real growth among any of the characters. And what happened to the international authorities and the other victims?
Lastly, as a Tampa resident, there is no such place as Downtown Ybor City (pg 68) and if one were to take the quickest route to Venice from Tampa International Airport (southbound I-275), I-75 is way more than 15 minutes away (pg 252).
So much potential.
Grade 3.5. A 3 is too low, but I feel like a 4 is too high.
Ever read a book and ask yourself "what the hell did I just read?"? Not in the way that it wasn't in English, or didn't make sense, but in the way that it was such a trip that you are taken back and knocked on your heels from the sheer insanity of the written word.
From the simple premise of a man driving from Florida to Ohio to pick up his dog comes a wild adventure featuring roadside explosions, deals with the Devil, stolen wiener mobiles, and copious amounts of drug use.
I met Lance at a convention a few years ago. He is a very creative and interesting artist and author. His stuff borders on the weird. Correction: his stuff is weird. Very weird. In a fun way. In a crazy road trip through a hurricane trying to find a basset hound via a spiritual connection sorta way. But you have to stop off in small town Tennessee first to pick up your soul because you traded it for a one-night stand with a bar wench.
If that makes sense, or if that piques your interest in any way, shape, or form, I highly recommend you pick up Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed anywhere weird books are sold.
I am super excited. My new novel is coming soon. The rough draft is done. I have to review it a few times and let some folks look at it for content accuracy, then get the cover, then the formatting, then get it out to the world.
I've been working on this for a few years. Time to hit the home stretch.