This poem was given to me by an individual named Richard L. Myers of Monett, Missouri. I went to Basic Training in 1995 with Richard and although I kept this poem that I believe he wrote, I have never heard from him since. So thank you, Richard L. Myers. Thank you for a brilliant poem. Warning: it's a bit NSFW and not for little old ladies.
The Joy of Taking a Shit
There are many joys in life it's said
Though none like squatting on the head
Your pants are down, your cares are gone
You've got a few hours to sit on the john
You lock the door, you smile - so bold
You hope the toilet seat's not cold
All of the cares of the world melt away
As you sit down to take your first shit of the day
The seat has a screw loose, you wobble, you totter
You hear your first turd plop in the water
You grunt and you fart, your piss starts to drain
You push it so hard you rupture your brain
You catch the first whiff of your brown steamy load
You feel like your bowels are about to explode
You drop the rest of your dump in the bowl
You wipe, you flush, the shit goes down the hole
You wipe one more time just to get the last bit
Yes, those are the joys of taking a shit
You hop off the pot and head down the hall
Oh wait, you turn around, you didn't get it all
You yank down your pants, put your ass on the lid
You check out your drawers - thank God there's no skid
A couple more turds come out - plop, plop, plop
You feel like this shit ain't ever going to stop
Your head is now spinning, for you have to choose
Between Time, Playboy, Life, or your own local news
You pick up the Playboy - the reading is better
and that's why the pages are all stuck together
You squeeze out the rest of your shit with a sigh
And reach for your new roll of T.P. - 2-ply
You wipe your ass and you say with a smile,
"Well, that oughta hold me - at least for a while."
You flush, wash your hands, and walk out of the john
Leaving only the smell of your shit lingering on.
As you march off to go to bed for the night
You know that taking a shit is All Right.
