This post is reflective and personal and inspirational.
The death of Kobe Bryant was hard on the sports world. Kobe Bryant was a superstar athlete and one of the greatest basketball players to ever play the game. In a moment, he was gone.
Among the recollections of Kobe, besides the stats and accolades, were pictures of Kobe and his family. The fact that he was with his daughter on their way to a youth basketball game made his death even more poignant and heartbreaking from a family perspective.
In the days since, tributes to Kobe have been profound. Pictures, articles, and videos have circulated throughout social media. They have helped connect people to Kobe and help them heal in the midst of tragedy.
One of the tributes that arose was the hashtag #GirlDad on social media. To show their camaraderie with Kobe Bryant, the father of four girls, men on social media posted pictures with their daughters - showing how they too support everything their daughters want to do or be. It is a powerful statement and heartwarming.
But to me, it was awkward. #GirlDad is something I can't relate to, although for no reason I can explain other than I don't have any kids. I am 42 years old and single with no kids. From what I can gather, that's rare. I am in good health, well educated, make decent money, and live near people. There is little to say that I shouldn't have a family and kids.
Friends have families. My brother has a kid. That phase of life just hasn't happened for me.
But I don't regret anything I've done. I can't point to any particular decision where I turned down the possibility to be a dad. I could point to a family tragedy in my teens as setting me back socially a bit. Maybe being in an all-male military unit in my early 20s didn't help.
But that was years ago. I am much more familiar in social situations now.
Regardless, I can't wallow in the past. Because that leads to stressing over situational minutia. What if I asked that girl on a date a few years ago? What if I smiled back at that other girl in 6th grade? Would I be a dad now?
Over-analyzing the past is a bad idea. What's done is done.
A few months ago, I was driving with two friends who have been long married with families. They stated that they could not imagine not being married with kids. To me, there has been no other lifestyle. This is all I know. That's not a bad thing. It's just what has happened.
But what if I wanted to change that? The strange thing about being a #GirlDad or even being a dad at all is a man really doesn't have a choice. A man has a choice about the type of dad he is, but he has little choice about being a dad in the first place. The birthing of a human being is up to a woman.
Even if a man has unprotected sex, a woman can have an abortion - whatever your thoughts are on that. Fatherhood is entirely a woman's decision. A man has no control of that.
That lack of control of being a dad is the weird thing. If you look at what Kobe Bryant could control, he could control his basketball playing. He could control his drive, his confidence, his work ethic, his intelligence, his leadership, his personality, everything about him. Those traits could fill up pages on basketball reference.com and they could make him a basketball legend, but they could not make him a dad.
Kobe Bryant was 41 years old and had four children.
Likewise, I could control my career. I could get a good job. find a stable place to live, win awards, get degrees, work hard, read more, learn, get in better shape, eat well, run a marathon, be nice, rescue kittens, and help little old ladies across the street. I could be an expert in my field. But yet none of those things would get me any close to being a dad. And guys who do none of those have kids.
I am 42 with no kids.
I can't set a goal of being a dad. That's not feasible. A woman can say she wants to have children before 25, 30, 35, or whatever age. A man can't do that.
So what should I do?
If you think about it, most of us are the result of a woman saying "yes" to spending time with a man. Not even in a sexual way - that comes eventually. But every future mother agreed to be in the company of a future father. That's the absolute step 1 to being a father.
My first step may be dating more. Unless I want to be the father with a random bar hook-up or a Russian bride, knowing someone well might be recommended. Dating, going out, or spending time with a good woman might be good things in the quest for fatherhood. Even if children are not in the picture for this woman, I get to connect with someone I like. That's a good thing.
Maybe I should create a dating profile with the heading "I want to be good dad someday".
Do I tell women out there that I want to be a dad at some point in my life? I think so, but I don't think that should be a subject on the first date. Being a new dad is part of the reason I am rarely interested in women older than I am. I want to start being a dad from scratch. Deal with all those things other guys I know have dealt with, albeit a bit later in life than they have.
Some people say you should have kids when you are young so you can enjoy them into your middle age and be a grandparent, great grandparent, etc. But those people don't realize that men can't control that. Personally, I can't turn back time. Being a 20-something or 30-something dad is something I will never be.
I am optimistic. I have a lot going for me. But as I said, I can't work or study myself into being a dad, no less a good dad.
This post is a look back, but not in guilt. Do not misunderstand. Despite some occasional career struggles, my life has been amazing. I have had fun and seen the world and worked, hung out, and met awesome people. I have performed on stage, written a book, and learned amazing things. And I still have goals to get a great job, get a PhD, teach, retire well, travel, etc.
But if you notice, my goals are things I can mostly control. Things I can do to get where I want to be.
I am happy.
But I wonder what life as a dad is like. The reflections and camaraderie among #GirlDads has me wondering what that part of Kobe Bryant's life was like. I wonder what relating to my friends and family who have kids is like.
Most of all, I wonder if I can do anything different to make that happen.
