The Man's Influence on Sports

Many moons ago, in the dawn of the Internet, there was a web site called The AfroSquad. The AfroSquad was a group of funky fresh individuals who warned us about "The Man" - that all-powerful, all-knowing personification of authority. According to CrazyMan of The AfroSquad,

"The Man" is an intangible bugaboo that masterminds the hardships and tragedies of that thing we call life. Being technologically superior, he can morph into anything he wants- your boss, the local authorities, the president, your parents, a lawyer, the guy that signs your inadequate paycheck, etc. You can use that last sentence as a mad-lib for added effect.

When you work 13 hours, come home at 8:00PM to realize that you locked your key in the apartment- blame it on "The Man"- because he made you do it. When it takes another 2.5 hours to get some scab to open your apartment door for you- blame it on "The Man"- it is all his fault. When the scab requires 20 bucks to open your apartment door, beat the crap out of the scab, because he is "The Man". But defiling the scab/"Man" apparition will be to no avail because, by the time your finished teaching the scab 'the true meaning of sorrow', "The Man" will be somewhere else already- probably stealing your loved one's monogamy.

But don't be fooled, "The Man" can be in multiple places at once just as easily as you eat a Twinkie in just four bites. He can simultaneously be controlling the red stoplight you run, in his secret hideout faxing your brain the endorphins that result in deviance, AND in the cop car that catches you do it.

Just about the time things started going global and the whole world went online, The Man pulled the plug on the AfroSquad. For years, there was no AfroSquad on the Internet. Only recently has there been a resurgence of AfroSquad videos on YouTube and ifilm.com.

With the AfroSquad at bay, and their recent videos looking more like SNL skits than public service announcements, The Man has continued his shenanigans. Sadly, in no area is The Man's presence more evident than in the wide world of sports.

As my own PSA, I am beginning a list of things The Man does or tries to get away with in the world of sports. It's a short list, but hopefully we can raise awareness in an attempt to vex or befuddle The Man. If I am missing something utterly significant, leave a comment or e-mail me at theserioustip@yahoo.com. Gracias.

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-The Man likes those few days around the MLB All-Star game when no sports are on.
-The Man likes night baseball, Astroturf, and the DH.
-The Man wants all celebrities in New York to become Mets and Yankees fans at the same time.
-The Man thinks all games the Yankees aren't favored in should be rained out.
-The Man thinks it's "shocking" that anyone could win the World Series besides the Yankees.
-The Man calls Harlem Globetrotter wins "shocking".
-The Man loves Derek Jeter.
-The Man holds career minor leaguers down.
-The Man likes the idea that the winning league in the MLB All-Star game gets home field advantage in the World Series.
-The Man let the dogs out.
-The Man wants a NASCAR channel to replace the NFL Network.
-The Man actually only disliked Rod "He Hate Me" Smart.
-The Man wants to make a 24-hour celebrity poker channel.
-The Man wants Allen Iverson to practice.
-The Man runs the BCS.
-The Man raises ticket prices.
-The Man hated the Negro Leagues for all the wrong reasons.
-The Man wants all stadiums everywhere to be named after obscure companies. Even little league fields.
-The Man owns a Yankee and Red Sox hat and wears the one with the better record.
-The Man wanted Canada to win the World Baseball Classic, eh?
-The Man hates college basketball and their "Cinderella" teams.
-The Man picks Duke to win every night.
-The Man cheers for rain on opening day.
-Namath is an anagram for the Tha Man.
-And The Man absolutely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt HATES blogs. Especially sports blogs.

Bloggin’ Through the Ages (Everyone Loves a Blog)

Let me pause for a moment from my normal rants and raves about sports and culture and take an introspective look at what I am doing here. Not introspective as in “what is my purpose in life?” or “why do people still remember Kato Kaelin or Clara Peller?” but introspective as in “what is this blog thing you speak of?”. Although this train has been a rollin’ for quite a while, I think it’s high time I took a look at the phenomenon of blogging, or Weblogging, to use its original name.

Thanks to Al Gore’s Internet and the Freedom of Speech, we have arrived at a time where most everyone can express themselves for the world to read (everyone of course, refering to those with computers and internet connections – you know, the civilized among us). From documenting the battles of war to analyzing the intricacies of college lacrosse to discussing the drama of the 9th grade dating scene, many people have taken the opportunity to type their piece and “publish” it for the world to read.

But imagine this phenomenon at an earlier time. How different would history have been if we had people blogging their thoughts on events through the years?

Take, for example, this prehistoric blog found on a Commodore 64 in the caves of Western Europe: – Went hunting today for a bit. Decided not to draw on the walls like everyone else. I hate art. Maybe one day those Neanderthals will understand my idea of writing. But anyway. Gotta go. By the way, its getting a bit cold. Its been -38 degrees all year. Hopefully it warms up. Later.

And this blog from old England: – Saw that Shakespeare guy the other night. Do ye a favor and do not go to see his plays. They are a complete and utter waste of time. Romeo and Juliet both die. Where is the drama in that? And his women characters? They are boys dressed as women. What a rip off. And when I walked out early, did they give me my shilling back? Not at all.

And could this blog have changed history? – Hi world. My name is Adolf. Although I am not a big fan of Jews I think I am going to voice my opinion on here to let my stresses out. They iritate me so much! They need to go away. Move out of Germany, you Jews. My family thinks by me letting out steam on this blog I will be a more happy-go-lucky person, and I think they are right. So sorry about being so anti-Semitic but I gotta go. Peace and God bless.

Through their accessability and resulting impact, blogs have become our online diaries of sorts, accurately revealing the perspectives of today. Quite possibly even to a level of over-saturation. But those I feel truly sorry for with this blogging phenomenon are tomorrow’s literary historians. Whereas in the past, they had only the works of the literate minority to shine light on culture and popular life, with today’s “blogosphere” they will have an infinite clutter of information to sift through. How might a future historian determine what sources and opinions define the 21st century? In a strange way maybe the question is its own answer. Perhaps blogs have become our culture – a society defined by its freedom of expression, modern communications, and self-importance but with little to no restraint, moderation, or the substance of a defining voice.

5 Good Reasons Jeff Bowden is A O.K.

In the spirit of ESPN Classic's "5 Good Reasons Why ..." I have decided to try and justify Jeff Bowden's continued employment with Florida State football. This is going to be an exercise in intellect, as I am among the many who wish to no longer see Jeff anywhere near Doak Campbell Stadium or Seminole football. But for the sake of argument here are my 5 Good Reasons Jeff Bowden is not to blame for Florida State's recent offensive ineptitude:

5) The Re-emergence of the U Starting in 2000, the University of Miami reclaimed its spot as one of the premier football powerhouses in the nation. Save for this year's dismal start, Larry Coker has taken the recruits of Butch Davis and his own players and made "the U" one of the best teams in the ACC. Gone are the days of beating sorry Miami teams 47-0. Who knows how many of those recruits would have gone to Florida State had Miami stayed on probation?

4) Keeping up with the Joneses Who can forget Jared Jones? The next quarterback in line after the graduation of Chris Weinke, Jones was supposed to keep the seat warm for California super-stud Chris Rix. Well Mr. Jones got thrown off the team prior to the 2001-2002 season skewing the prefered rotation of college quarterbacks becoming starters as juniors. Instead, Chris Rix became a starting freshman quarterback with a lot of potential and not much results. This mix of star potential and ill-fated mistakes plagued him throughout his FSU career. Thanks for messing up the rotation Jared. You get shot in some neighborhoods for that.

3) Joe Mauer Yes, the same Joe Mauer who is currently leading the major leagues in batting average is partly to blame for FSU's woes. Mauer was supposed to be the "next big thing" after Rix, and was recruited out of Chris Weinke's old high school in Minnesota. But what does Mr. Mauer do? Does he save FSU football? No. He turns down FSU after getting drafted by the hometown Twins. Good career move? Maybe. But fortunately Bobby Bowden reportedly "promised to keep a scholarship open for Mauer 12 years after he is done with baseball" (The Kansas City Star). Come on Joe, you know Tallahassee is much nicer than the Twin Cities.

2) Bobby Bowden's coaching tree Like all great coaches, eventually the apples fall from the tree. In Coach Bowden's case, losing Mark Richt to Georgia and Chuck Amato to N.C. State really hurt FSU football as both coaches have used their Bowden-taught wisdom against Coach Bowden. Although it is a credit to Coach Bowden's career and abilities as a teacher, the branches of this tree have come back to whip the Seminoles in the face.

1) The Emergence of ACC Football In 1992, USA Basketball, the "Dream Team", destroyed the world competition on their way to the gold medal. One year earlier, FSU entered the ACC, similarly destroying all in their path. Why compare the two? Because in both cases their opponents have caught up in terms of talent and training. USA basketball hasn't won a gold medal of late due not only to inconsistent play but to the rising talent throughout the world. FSU football, likewise, has not contended for national glory of late also due not only to inconsistent play but also to the increased emphasis on football recruiting in ACC Country. Years ago, talents like Phillip Rivers, Julius Peppers, and Mario Williams would have been no-brainers to join the FSU juggernaut. But like most monopolies, the competition eventually comes back.

Honorable Mentions: Injuries: see Thorpe, Cro; Castillo, David; and other assorted linemen.

Academic problems (alarm clock-related): see Rix, Chris.

Legal problems: see McPherson, Adrian; Rouse, Fred.

God complex: see Sexton, Wyatt.

News of the Day

Don't Hate, Pontificate!
Why, oh why did the Pope quote a 14th century Pope's description of Islam and the Prophet Mohammed?

If the Holy Cee was trying to build a bridge for peace, couldn't he have found someone better to quote? John Lennon, maybe? How about a quote from the California rock band The Uninvited, "I talked to God and God said ... 'Just be nice, and see that makes things alright'."? Or maybe Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning"?

Thailand, Thailand, some love little girls and some throw coups land.
Not only does Thailand attract weirdos like John Mark Karr who claim to "love" children in a Michael Jackson-sort-of-way, but now the Thai military has decided to overthrow the government while the Prime Minister was visiting the U.S.

Of course, my only question is whether or not the Thailand military still uses wooden soldiers.
More wooden soldiers here.

But Mama Said George Bush is the devil.
Always loquatious Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez proclaimed U.S. President George Bush was the Devil and that the podium at which the U.S. President made his United Nations speech still smelt like sulphur.

Unfortunately President Chavez did not make clear whether Dick Cheney was always ornery because of his Medula Oblongata or because he has all those teeth and no toothbrush.

More Bush Burnings
Does anyone else find it funny that a little more than a year after Kanye West announced George Bush doesn't care about black people, thousands of New Orleans Saints fans of all races will be attending next Monday night's Saints football game in the Superdome wearing the "Bush" jersey of recent draft pick Reggie Bush?

Overrated person, place, or thing of the week

Elvis Presley - not because of his musical career, but because those annoying Elvis impersonators who continue to dress up like Elivs nearly 30 years after "The King" has passed away. Or nearly 30 years after he began working at a 7-11 in Michigan, depending on your personal beliefs.

Day One: Growin' All Up in the Ghetto

Ok, let's see how far I can go with this blog thing before "The Man" shuts me down. Just kidding. Well I guess this is going to be a place for me to post my thoughts, musings, and random ideas. So sit back, enjoy, and comment as you see fit.

A bit about lil' ol' me: I graduated from Florida State; had my own random column for that fine literary publication, the FSView and Florida Flambeau; and I am currently living outside of Tampa, FL. These experiences, as well as a childhood spent locked in a basement, will mold a lot of what I talk about. And of course, random references to current events, music, books, television, movies, or sports (especially the NY Mets, Knicks, and FSU Seminoles). But you get the point. Enjoy.