- Bill Murray, Groundhog Day (1993)
Throughout most of the world, February 2nd is a day of hope. On this day, in a little town 80 miles from Pittsburgh, Pa., a little groundhog pokes his little head out his little hole and reveals whether or not we will face six more weeks of cold, bleak, dreary winter.
For many sports fans in Miami however, Groundhog's Day came early this year. Please forgive their haste. Not only is winter not a big issue where the temperature rarely drops below 80 degrees, but with a certain major football championship to be played in the city on February 4th, the certain minor holidays needed to be rescheduled.
Last night, in Indianapolis, Indiana, Shaquille O'Neal returned to the Miami Heat and made his season debut. This comes as great news for Miami Heat fans, who can now hope for six weeks of playoff basketball with their All-Star center back in the lineup. No longer will they have to endure the bleak, cold, depressing performances of has-beens or never-will-bes such as Earl Barron and Wayne Simien. Finally, the Big Barishynikov has come back to Miami.
In honor of Shaq's return, The Serious Tip has decided to compare these two Seers of Seers, Sages of Sages, Prognosticators of Prognosticators and Prophets Extraordinary in a quick tale of the tape to determine which, if either, could best help people find their missing bikes.Locations:
Miami is a much more popular and warmer tourist destination, has beautiful beaches, and plenty of scantily-clad eye candy. Besides Gobbler's Knob, what else is in Punxsutawny? Advantage: Shaq.
Movies:
Groundhog Day vs. Kazaam, Steele, Blue Chips, Good Burger, etc. Although Groundhog Day was not filmed in Punxatawny, Shaq's movies lacked that certain something called Bill Murray's comic genius. And with "Ned the Head", "Needle-Nose Ned" Ryerson in a supporting role, Groundhog Day was a repetitive masterpiece. Advantage: Phil.
Place of Emergence:
'Tis much better to rise from the ashes of the Miami Heat bench dressed in a custom-made suit than for ye to cower in a Saddam Hussein hidey-hole in Gobbler's Knob. I think Shakespeare said that. Advantage: Shaq. And yes, I said Gobbler's Knob again. Huh, huh, cool.
Music:
Phil never released any albums with the Fu-Schnickens. Shaq unfortunately did. To paraphrase, "That's okay, not being bragadocious, but Supercalifragelistic, Shaq's rap career was quite atrocious." Major advantage: Phil.
Cultural impact:
Although Shaq has been around for what seems like forever, Phil is supposedly going on 120 years old. That's a lot of soothseeing. According to a web site about Phil, the secret to his longevity lies in a sheltered climate-controlled environment where he spends all of his non-working time. Kinda like Gilbert Arenas. Durability advantage: Phil.
In a close contest, Phil grabs the 3-2 victory over the Big Aristotle. This victory comes as no surprise however, as Phil's skills in prophesy haven't been challenged since Miss Cleo vanished from the scene several years ago. Despite his defeat to the world's most famous groundhog, Miami Heat fans should be optimistic about Punxsutawny Shaq's return and their chances at another title, until of course, the Heat play the red-hot Phoenix Suns or Dallas Mavericks. Then it might be time to crawl into Phil's hidey-hole and wait for next year.
