I was talking to a friend of mine the other night and the subject of hunting came up. I am not a hunter, nor have I ever hunted. I am not against hunting per se, but I do have a little problem with what most people call "hunting".
From what I know of hunting, most people sit in "deer stands" and other strategic positions and wait for their prey to mosey across their path. That's not hunting.
That's sniping.
There is no sport to waiting for your target to pass before blowing their brains out.
Hunting should be sporty. There should be a certain chance the prey could live. Hunters should have to track down their prey like the old Indian trackers of yesteryear. I'd like to see hunters have to pass a certain block of tests before donning their camo and rocking their rifles.
They should have to do at least some of the following:
- They should be able to identify animals by their feces.
- They should be able to hear the ground and tell when an animal - any animal - is within 100 yards.
- They should be able to differentiate between the tracks of the male and female species of the animals in which they want to hunt.
- They should be able to walk for 5 miles. If golfers can walk, so can hunters. As a matter of fact, the only activity with less activity than some hunting is fishing, which is basically aquatic sniping.
- They should be able to identify which type of weapon is most effective to kill an certain type of animal.
Or if they do want to stay in one place and snipe their prey, they shouldn't be able to shoot anything until they are in their position for at least five days. They should have to lay in the mud and wallow in their own waste.
They should have to have to prove they really want that turkey.
Also in the same conversation with the same friend, he told me there are people who purposefully hunt bear with a pistol. And then they complain they had to shoot the bear repeatedly before it dies or they brag about how they outran a pissed off bear with a bullet hole.
Seriously.
Kinda like John Candy's "Bald Ass Bear" in "The Great Outdoors".
There is no point for that.
Either pick the weapon you need or leave the damn bear alone.
Personally, if I was hunting bear, I would use something automatic or a rocket launcher. And if I missed, I'd call in an air strike.
Perhaps even a napalm strike like in "We Were Soldiers". I'd burn Smokey and the rest of the bears before I let one bear chase me.
Maybe that's why I don't hunt. Not only am I unwilling to smell turkey poop, but I don't have any napalm.
You know, maybe that's why I usually don't have good mornings.
