Sunday, October 4, 2015

We need Lesser Heroes

Sometimes in the course of daily affairs, we need help with the little things - those minor obstacles that frustrate us and stand in the way of us having a generally swell day. We often fight these frustrations alone. Unfortunately, like 911, the police, or late-night Taco Bell, super heroes should only be called upon in case of emergencies.

But what about when we don't need to be saved from a mugger, a fire, or a maniacal madman set on destroying the city? What if we don't need super strength, super vision, or the ability to tackle demons from another dimension?

We need a legion of lesser super heroes. Those who might not be "super", but kinda better than good. Not-so-heroic heros, but heroes nonetheless.

Advertising has given us a few examples of non-traditional heroes with niche talents who came in handy when needed. For example, there was "Condom Man" for sexual protection and "Keith Stone" for cheap, watered-down beer. But those needs don't occur often for most of us.

What we really need is a conglomerate of super friends who fly around helping people with their most common needs. Heroes such as:

Water Bottle Woman - A seasonal hero, she flies through the city with a belt and backpack full of water bottles. If she sees someone sweating, she fights dehydration by providing those in need with a cool drink of H2O.

Bottle and Jar Opener Guy - Sometimes beer bottles need a bottle opener. Sometimes there is no opener to be found. Sometimes jars are a pain in the ass to open. That's when Bottle and Jar Opener Guy appears. He has the tools to open any jar, bottle cap, or cork. No bottle too big, no bottle too small. But he may hesitate if he thinks you've had one too many.

Lighter Woman and Cigarette Man - These two heroes are often seen together fighting two ends of the same dilemma. Some citizens have a cigarette but need a light and others have a light but need a smoke. When they sense a smoker in trouble, one member of this team springs to the rescue.

Toothpick Man - Ever have a little piece of something caught in your teeth? No amount of tongue wrangling is going to dislodge it. That's where Toothpick Man comes in. This skinny semi-superhero senses your struggle and swoops in with a well-placed toothpick to help smooth your smile.

Milk Lady - Like the milkman of yesteryear, but with a cool super suit instead of stodgy truck, Milk Lady appears when you are out of milk and provides you with a bountiful amount of cow juice. Because nothing is worth than having cereal and no milk.

The Cologne and the Perfumer - Sometimes in the course of the day, you are forced to be in close proximity with someone who failed to execute proper hygiene earlier in the day. When this happens you call The Cologne or The Perfumer to spray some odoriferous emanations on the rogue . Or sometimes, you might need The Cologne or The Perfumer to spray on you before a hot date or a job interview.

The Flat Tire Twins - Like AAA or other roadside assistance, the Flat Tire Twins assist when a driver finds themselves in a dire predicament. Sometimes confused with the Michelin Man, the Flat Tire Twins ride on their own ride-flat tires.

The Phone Finder - The newest of our heroes has the most to do in today's culture. Whenever there is a phone lost or misplaced, the Phone Finder will be there to find it. He will search high and low, near and far, and under every bar to find missing phones. While he is usually busiest on Friday and Saturday, more than half of the phones he finds are forgottenly misplaced in pockets and purses.

And here is where we lament the sad demise of Atlas Man, a long-time hero who provided directions to the lost and wandering. Since the advent of cell phones and GPS devices, Atlas Man has had less and less to do. Even his full-time profession as a map maker shrunk in importance. He now spends most of his time in his mother's basement, building geographic databases of geological geniuses. While those he tracks are smart with the rocks, some say the once super map man has lost his own marbles.

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