I am not a deadline sort of guy. I don't like 'em. Way too final. You know what I don't understand? How did flatline come to mean death, and deadline is used for everything else? If you flatline aren't you pretty much dead? Shouldn't that be called the deadline? After all, it's a line, and you are dead.
Speaking of dead, how soon do you think it will be until I have to write the Pirates' Eulogy for the the Eliminated? I'm saying before mid-August. I'll have to round up the pallbearers, Undertakers, and Kanes.
Do you think the Pirates could have landed Rod Beck, Darren Lewis, and Royce Clayton from the Giants for Barry Bonds in 1992? And do you think they could have gotten Gregg Jefferies and Pete Schourek from the Mets for Bobby Bonilla in 1991?
When I heard Gregg Jefferies used to swing a bat in a pool as part of his training, I wanted to do that so bad. All my mother would let me use in our pool was a wiffle ball bat. WTF, Mom? How was I supposed to be the second coming of Darryl Strawberry with a wiffle ball bat? Well, I guess all I really needed to do to be the next Darryl would be snort some blow, drink myself into a stupor, get cancer, and get picked up by the cops a few times. I guess Mom was right, I really didn't need to be swinging a bat in the pool.
But anyways, because I am not a famous baseball player (thanks, mom!), I've decided to go to the crossroads. I am going to make a deal with the devil. Are there deadlines when dealing with the devil? Is it like baseball, where you have to negotiate before midnight on a certain night? Do some souls come with a no-trade clause? Can I just throw in a soul to be named later? I hope the devil looks more like Elizabeth Hurley than Martin Brodeur.
See, I brought it back to deals, deadlines, and the fact that the Pirates traded everyone with big league experience on their team for the Lake Panasoffkee Township Little League All-Stars. Rumor has it the Pirates front office thinks there might be a number one starter in the bunch. Maybe even a future fourth outfielder.
This from the same team that has signed two guys from an Indian game show, a Lithuanian, and a Australian. Andy Van Slyke is probably rolling in his grave.
