Ghost Stadiums - Cocoa Expo Sports Complex, Cocoa, Florida

(This post originally appeared on Bus Leagues Baseball.com)

Before I left for Afghanistan in mid-March, I drove across Florida from my home in Tampa to my parents’ home in Melbourne. Along the way, on Florida State Road 520, just outside of Cocoa, Florida, I saw the remains of what was once the home of the Florida State League’s Cocoa Astros, the spring home of the Houston Astros, and for a season, the spring home of the then-Florida Marlins. Sadly, even at 55 mph, it was apparent the Cocoa Expo Sports Complex had seen better days.

Built in 1964, the Cocoa Expo Sports Complex was designed to host baseball, soccer, and other sports on its outdoor fields; basketball, volleyball, and other indoor sports in its indoor complex; and events such as the Florida State Fair in its exhibition hall. The 40-acre complex was supposed to be the premier multi-use event center in Brevard County.

And for many years it was. Shortly after the facility opened, the Houston Astros moved from Apache Junction, Arizona to the Cocoa Expo Sports Complex for spring training and made it the new home of their Florida State League affiliate, the Cocoa Astros. In 1972, the Cocoa Astros moved to Dubuque, Iowa, then to Cedar Rapids, then came back to Cocoa in 1977, before moving throughout Florida from 1982 to 2000 and then finding their current home in the Carolina League as the Lancaster Jethawks.

In 1985, the big league Astros joined their minor league affiliate in departing the Cocoa Expo Sports Complex when they claimed the facility was “rundown” and told the City of Cocoa to pay for the renovations. After the city balked, claiming renovation had to be paid for by the Astros organization, the City of Kissimmee swooped in and lured the Astros and their minor league team an hour west.

After the Astros moved, a private ownership group bought the Cocoa Expo, put their own money into fixing it, and hosted various professional baseball-related events such as the Joe Brinkman Umpire School (1985-1998) and and an academy run by former Brevard County standout and current Major League manager Clint Hurdle. The facility also continued to host many amateur events.

On a personal note, I had a chance to play in one of the many amateur events during my final year of Little League in 1992. A few weeks after our season was over, my then-coach called to ask me if I wanted to participate in an exhibition against a team of traveling Brazilian teens. Never one to turn down the ability to play, I accepted. Although I don’t remember the final score, I remember the Brazilian team being very good and their pitcher throwing very fast, faster than most American kids my age. If I remember correctly, I went 0 for 2 with a strikeout and ground out.

A year after I played there, the Cocoa Expo Sports Complex hosted to its final professional baseball team. In 1993, the then-Florida Marlins played their first season in the Grapefruit League at the Cocoa Expo as they awaited the completion of Space Coast Stadium. Unlike the Astros however, the Marlins only used the complex for its stadium as they practiced and worked out in neighboring Viera adjacent to Space Coast Stadium on the fields of the Carl Barger Complex. Following the Marlins temporary residence, the complex still hosted amateur baseball, basketball, volleyball, and soccer tournaments, gun shows, and the state fair.

Unfortunately, time and the poor economy caught up to the Cocoa Expo Sports Complex. According to recent reports, in June 2011 the complex was foreclosed and seized by its main lender. After months of vacancy, with chains and locks and a sign announcing the foreclosure on the gates, new owners bought the complex and began $40 million dollars in repairs with the intent of making the complex a destination for amateur baseball, basketball, and volleyball teams from around the country. The new ownership attempted to open parts of the complex in March 2012 for a baseball tournament, but faced a wide array of complaints that the fields and facilities were unsafe and that the venue was “an open construction site”.

Will there ever be professional baseball at the Cocoa Expo Sports Complex again? Highly doubtful for three reasons. First and foremost, that doesn’t seem to be the intent of the new ownership. Second, while the complex might one day be suitable for college and amateur training and showcases, the main stadium needs far too many improvements to be considered a viable Florida State League destination. And third, and with Space Coast Stadium, home of the Brevard County Manatees since 1994, only 15 minutes south on I-95, I doubt there is any interest from a Minor League Baseball to place another team in the area.

Professional baseball history is also not on the side of the Cocoa Expo Sports Complex. Only once since 1941 has more than one team called Brevard County home. In 1972 the Cocoa Astros were joined by the four teams of the Florida East Coast Rookie League teams, the also-named Cocoa Astros, the Cocoa Expos, and the Melbourne Twins and Melbourne Reds. After one season, the Florida East Coast Rookie League folded and was never heard from again.

With their recent black eye and bad press, the new ownership of the Cocoa Expo Sports Complex might want to wait until the renovations are completely finished before opening the facility to the public. Until then, however, the Cocoa Expo Sports Complex will be devoid of all baseball and sit as a sad decrepit reminder of Cocoa, Florida’s minor league past.

Image acquired from ballparkreviews.com.

The Death of Media Browsing at the Mall

A few months ago, Jay Cridlin of the Tampa Bay Times Soundcheck blog wrote about the last of the mall-based chain music stores to close in the Tampa Bay area. Jay, like me, will kinda miss these once staples of mall culture. But with MP3s the format du jour, mall music stores were not sustainable. Their closure was inevitable.

However, the closure of mall music stores and their media brethren, the mall book store, is more than just a reflection of our media consumption habits. It means a massive change in how many of us experience the mall. It means the end of mall media browsing as we know it.

When I go to a mall, I don't browse for clothes, I browse for media. For years, every mall trip has meant perusing the racks and shelves of B. Daltons, FYE, Specs, Sam Goode, Walden Books, or any other of dozens of mall music and book stores. For music and book nerds like myself, they were the nirvana of impulse buys.

Where can I browse these days? No book stores, no CD stores. I guess the Apple Store is the best "browsing" spot. But who browses for electronics? I have never impulsively bought a computer or any other electronic component. So even if I were to walk into the Apple Store, I doubt I am walking out of there with anything unless I needed it.

The art of media browsing is dying. Do people really browse on Amazon or iTunes? Is Pandora the new "browsing"? Although I have never used it, my problem with Pandora is that discovery seemingly stays in niches. If I was listening to Metallica, it might take me forever to get the genre to morph into something classical. And that's if they include the Metallica S&M album in their playlist. At the music store, I could go from known metal to unknown classical in the time it took to walk down a different aisle.

Over at his blog on anthropology and economics, anthropologist Grant McCracken gives the outline for an essay (book?) on the death of "the mall" as we know it. Perhaps for some people, the mall is still a cultural destination, a place where they can browse the displays of style or hang out in the food court.

But for me, when the media stores left the mall, so did I.

Unfortunately, I still don't have a place to browse for new stuff.

And I won't even get into the fact that no one buys music for great cover art anymore.

(Disclaimer: I have written for the TBT and my articles have appeared on the TBT Soundcheck blog.)

Comparison of Confederate and Seminole Symbols in Tampa

The other day I mentioned on Facebook that I think the many people who have descended on Sanford, FL to protest the shooting of Trayvon Martin should next shift their focus to proactively protesting a huge Confederate flag that flies at the intersection of I-75 and I-4 in Tampa.

As most race-related posts tend to do, my Facebook post generated quite a few comments from friends and family. One of the responses I received mentioned the concept of "Southern Pride" as justification for the display of the Confederate flag. My response to that comment was my opinion that Southern Pride is an obnoxious ideal that clings to the past, a past that bothers or even offends many people, especially those currently regarded as "minorities".

In the last few days, my comment got me thinking about another ethnic symbol widely visible off the highways of the Tampa area. Since 2004, the Native Americans of the Seminole Tribe have proudly promoted and displayed their Hard Rock-themed casino and hotel off I-4 on the eastern end of Tampa. While white Southerners (an overwhelming majority of those who raise and support the Confederate flag) like to paint themselves as victims and cling to days before the South was home to a homogenistic American culture where everyone had equal rights and there was opportunity for blacks, Hispanics, Jews, Asians, gays, and other minority groups, the Seminole Indians have blended with today's American culture. While white Southerns announce "the South will rise again" and fly a battle flag that opposed the US flag, the Seminoles have created an entertainment complex that has made the tribe millions, if not billions, while keeping their own national flag in a display inside the casino.

The Seminoles, a tribe that was slaughtered, beaten, and forcefully removed from their homes more recently than any "Northern aggression", are not complaining about a changing world. Instead they have adapted and use the inclusive US capitalist system to take advantage of their neighbors' predilection for gambling and rock'n'roll memorabilia (which ironically also includes pieces from Lynyrd Skynryd, Molly Hatchet, and other Southern Rock groups). The Seminole Indians are not claiming they will return to power in Florida, a land they were predominant on from 1784 to 1842, instead they are working within the system while keeping their own culture alive.

Meanwhile, white Southerners, who have less to complain about than any other ethnic group, choose an attitude of protest, isolationism, and inhibiting progressiveness.

How does this make sense?

What if the roles were reversed? What if the Seminoles built a monument to their fallen dead along on I-75 and raised a giant Seminole nation flag and a Southerner built a casino on I-4 and named it the "Confederate Casino and Rock'n'Roll Hotel"? Would anyone make a stink over the flag? Would anyone go to the casino and hotel?

Humor as the great international connector

In 2002, Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire conducted a study in an attempt to find a joke that people all over the world find funny. After pitting joke against joke, he found that the following joke and the most international appeal:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

I've been thinking a lot about humor since I got to Afghanistan. Not only because I miss doing comedy, but because after two weeks working with people from all over the world, I am learning that humor, laughter, and a cheerful demeanor are among the most powerful tools to bridging communications and cultural gaps. Some of the people I am working with are of English-speaking nations, but most are not. But for whatever reason, we all seem to make each other laugh. In only two weeks, I've laughed with people from Eastern and Western Europe, from down under and the real-life home of Middle Earth, and even from Afghanistan.

One of the funniest things I noticed also was that some bodily odor jokes also translate well. In one of my first days here, one of the personnel from one of our partner nations told a fart joke at dinner that made our whole party laugh. And then a few days later, one of my European co-workers took off his shoes in the office. I counted no fewer than three people from three different country walk by and remark that he needed to put his shoes back on.

So stinky feet jokes are universal. I never would have guessed.

Word has also gotten around that I performed stand-up comedy. I've told several people how did what I did on the stage. When a one of the local Afghans I work with found out, he talked to me about Afghanistan humor, which is definitely far behind American humor in terms of showbiz. But here in Afghanistan they laugh at folk tales of Nasruddin, a poor Don Chixote-like character who reacts to situations with wit, wisdom, and an odd way of looking at things. These tales have been passed on for generations through Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, Russia, Iran, Turkey, and much of the rest of Southeast Asia. Each Nasruddin tale has a twist on the end, some of which I have found funny and some that are definitely lost in translation.

Here is a Nasruddin tale:

MORE USEFUL

ONE DAY MULLAH NASRUDDIN ENTERED HIS FAVORITE TEAHOUSE AND SAID: 'THE MOON IS MORE USEFUL THAN THE SUN'.  AN OLD MAN ASKED 'WHY MULLAH?'  NASRUDDIN REPLIED 'WE NEED THE LIGHT MORE DURING THE NIGHT THAN DURING THE DAY.'

And here is another:

OBLIGATION

NASRUDDIN NEARLY FELL INTO A POOL ONE DAY.  A MAN WHOM HE KNEW SLIGHTLY WAS NEARBY, AND SAVED HIM.  EVERY TIME HE MET NASRUDDIN AFTER THAT HE WOULD REMIND HIM OF THE SERVICE WHICH HE HAD PERFORMED.  WHEN THIS HAD HAPPENED SEVERAL TIMES NASRUDDIN TOOK HIM TO THE WATER, JUMPED IN, STOOD WITH HIS HEAD JUST ABOVE WATER AND SHOUTED: "NOW I AM AS WET AS I WOULD HAVE BEEN IF YOU HAD NOT SAVED ME! LEAVE ME ALONE.

They are definitely interesting little anecdotes.

I'm sure as I continue in my year in Afghanistan, I'll find more pieces of the Afghanistan cultural and comedy scene. But for now, here are a few articles I found on comedy in Afghanistan.

Putting the Laffs in Laffghanistan - Splitsider.com, 17 August 2011

In Afghanistan, comedians joke their way to civic renewal - Christian Science Monitor - 23 Feb 2005

The Ministry Sends Up The Afghan Government - Splitsider.com, 4 Aug 2011

And here are a few on an Afghan-born, Florida-raised comic who returned to Kabul in 2001 and performed pranks and hijinks up until recently, when after realizing social progress was taking too long, finally moved back to the states.

This "Jihadi" is Armed With a Subversive Sense of Humor - Wall Street Journal, 19 April 2011

In Afghanistan, Performance Artist Packs Up His Bling - NPR.com, 7 Oct 2011

Aman Mojadidi - Good-bye Homeland - Slash.fr

The Joy of Taking a Shit

This poem was given to me by an individual named Richard L. Myers of Monett, Missouri. I went to Basic Training in 1995 with Richard and although I kept this poem that I believe he wrote, I have never heard from him since. So thank you, Richard L. Myers. Thank you for a brilliant poem. Warning: it's a bit NSFW and not for little old ladies.

The Joy of Taking a Shit

There are many joys in life it's said
Though none like squatting on the head
Your pants are down, your cares are gone
You've got a few hours to sit on the john
You lock the door, you smile - so bold
You hope the toilet seat's not cold
All of the cares of the world melt away
As you sit down to take your first shit of the day
The seat has a screw loose, you wobble, you totter
You hear your first turd plop in the water
You grunt and you fart, your piss starts to drain
You push it so hard you rupture your brain
You catch the first whiff of your brown steamy load
You feel like your bowels are about to explode
You drop the rest of your dump in the bowl
You wipe, you flush, the shit goes down the hole
You wipe one more time just to get the last bit
Yes, those are the joys of taking a shit
You hop off the pot and head down the hall
Oh wait, you turn around, you didn't get it all
You yank down your pants, put your ass on the lid
You check out your drawers - thank God there's no skid
A couple more turds come out - plop, plop, plop
You feel like this shit ain't ever going to stop
Your head is now spinning, for you have to choose
Between Time, Playboy, Life, or your own local news
You pick up the Playboy - the reading is better
and that's why the pages are all stuck together
You squeeze out the rest of your shit with a sigh
And reach for your new roll of T.P. - 2-ply
You wipe your ass and you say with a smile,
"Well, that oughta hold me - at least for a while."
You flush, wash your hands, and walk out of the john
Leaving only the smell of your shit lingering on.
As you march off to go to bed for the night
You know that taking a shit is All Right.

Jordi Scrubbings Elvis commercial for All-Stars Wrestling of Florida

All-Stars Wrestling of Florida was a wrestling promotion run by friends of mine. It was like we had our own little corner of the pro wrestling universe. Sure, that's not a great way to run a business and ASWFL did in fact close after two years, but it was fun to go to a wrestling show where I knew most of the wrestlers and the fans. After time, I even knew most of the staff at the bar where the shows were held.

Anyway, while ASWFL was doing its thing in 2009 I attended a Florida Championship Wrestling event and cut a short commercial for an ASWFL event. About a month ago, it surfaced on YouTube. It's not my best commercial, but it's here for history.

The Disconnect of Writing about Wrestling

(This was a guest post over at The Wrestling Blog.)

A few weeks ago, wrestler Austin Aries got into a bit of a twitter kerfuffle with With Leather writer Brandon Stroud. Aries apparently believed Stroud didn’t have the background to properly analyze Aries’s performance. TH wrote a reaction piece to the spat that lambasted Aries and tried to give credence to his own and Stroud’s work. As a fellow writer and wrestling fan, I wanted to opine and drop my two cents into the collective well of opinion.

Whereas TH disagreed with Aries’s position that fans don’t know enough to write about wrestling, I tend to side with Aries. There is a lot fans don’t know about wrestling. As an avid watcher of the Florida indies, I have often had wrestlers ask me what I thought of their match. More often than not, my perception as a fan is vastly different than what the comments they were looking for. I like spots or parts of the match that they might not have thought very important and parts of the match they think are important I might tend to overlook.

And that is in-person discussions with wrestlers. People who write about wrestling generally have an even great disconnect with the talent.

I believe because discussion of pro wrestling is so nebulous, writing about it is incredibly difficult. I would agree with TH that few do it well, but also say that few do it right. Because pro wrestling weaves between the worlds of entertainment and sports, writers consciously or not choose their perspectives when writing about it. In my opinion, 99% of wrestling writing done by fans could fall into three categories: Athletic, Entertainment, and Mark.

Of course, academics, historians, and others who take long-term, big-picture views could be fans as well, but they are writing to educate, not inform. Among these writers, I consider among the best Grantland/Deadspin’s TheMaskedMan, Sam Ford, and Henry Jenkins and the rest of the contributors to the book “Steel Chair to the Head” – which, by the way, I think every wrestling fan should read.
First, the “true mark” perspective. In the world of pro wrestling writing, the mark perspective is like narrative sports writing in the mainstream “real sports writing” world. As such, mark wrestling writing is written from the fan’s perspective and leans mostly towards the kayafabe side of wrestling. This is where most fans reside and where most are most comfortable writing from and relating to. It is not a behind-the-scenes view nor is it written from the view of someone with much experience in the ring.

(Side note: I’m a big fan of separating the performers from their characters when writing about wrestling. For example, calling David Smith as TH did a "cracked-out-of-his-mind British Bulldog" is misleading. The British Bulldog wasn't cracked out, David Smith was. Sure, using the kayfabe name is a shortcut to recognition, but unless it is part of the story, the element in mind (drugs) is not a part of the character of the British Bulldog.)

Entertainment-based pro wrestling coverage is something you don’t see very often. This type of wrestling analysis would talk about the kayfabe side from a big picture storyline view and also cover the wrestlers as actors playing the roles. It would discuss roles and how they should or shouldn’t be used. There are a growing number of voices who touch this view, but unfortunately many weave in their fan bias. Dave Lagana and many of his recent former WWE writer guests are exceptions to the rule and look at wrestling from an entertainment perspective.

Writing about pro wrestling from an entertainment perspective would be similar to how Hollywood media writers cover movies. You always hear actors, for example, referred to by their real names, not their character names: “Heath Ledger did a great job as the Joker”, for example. Writers who look at the art of acting may also say how well Heath Ledger captured the true essence of chaos as the “heel” in The Dark Knight as compared to Jack Nicholson’s looney portrayal of the same “heel” in Batman. In some cases, the writers might even be given credit for the character development as well. However, rarely do you see wrestling talked about in this manner, despite wrestlers playing different roles with different names in different companies no different from actors in different roles in different movies put out by different companies. Yet most wrestling sites talk about bad storylines and failed performances as if they are experts.

The final way I think we should see pro wrestling covered is through the prism of athletic analytical perspective. Comparing wrestling writing to other sports coverage, there are many sites that break down athletic mechanics such as baseball pitching motions. A simple web search of “pitching mechanics” brings up numerous sites that dissect motion, kinetic energy, force, and the most efficient ways to perform for the maximum athletic result. Another simple web search finds absolutely nothing on “pro wrestling mechanics”. Are there any sites that break down pro wrestling from the athletic point of view?

Imagine a site called “pro-wrestling-prospectus.com” mirrored off “baseball-prospectus.com”. This site would use the immense library of professional wrestling videos to determine who got the most lift off the top rope, whose clotheslines packed the most power, whose punch really would stop a heart. Of course, analyzing wrestling athleticism much be couched in the fact that some of the moves are not delivered in their full capacity and are designed to minimize injury. But there is still some athletic questions that can be answered.

Pro wrestling athletic analysis, for example, would determine how wrestlers are recovering from injury. Do they still have the same muscle explosiveness through their moves? What about older wrestlers? When do we know if someone has lost a step in the ring has to reduce their in-ring action for the sake of injury and performance? How much less effective has Mark Calloway become as an athlete since his debut as the Undertaker? Does he still generate the same power, drive, and physical energy from his moves? Are their wrestlers he should not be in the ring with as they or he might get hurt?

Physical analytical wrestling study and related writing could also help in scouting. Perhaps certain styles of wrestlers need to be brought up to “The Show” sooner than others. For example, wrestlers with a high-flying style such as Evan Bourne maybe need to be brought up quicker as they lose their athletic ability sooner. Big bruising brawlers such as Brodus Clay, on the other hand, could spend more time in development as their skills can be used through their 40s.

Without sites that break down athletic movement and the like, how do we know wrestlers are really “botching” moves? Are fans really qualified to pass judgment on wrestlers’ athletic moves? Are fans who critique pitching motions taken seriously without a body of expertise or degrees or a serious scientific background? I would say no. Yet we read wrestling sites that talk about botched moves and who talk about the moves as if the writers truly understand the level of difficulty that comes with performing them in from 15,000 people on live television.

In conclusion, I might be the wrong person to pass judgment on this. As I mentioned in the opening, I know many indy wrestlers and have talked to them about how to write about wrestling. I’ve read numerous sites try to write about wrestling. I like many of them. They are fun to read and add a lot to the experience and to the fan community. There are several great writers out there that I am sure some wrestlers might even read regularly.

Maybe one day someone from the wrestling community will cross over into the media world and provide first-hand perspective and analysis on the art of wrestling and what goes on in a wrestler’s head. This would give fans greater insight to the complex world of pro wrestling. Until then however, most of us are fans and should get used to hearing wrestlers quote the Rock’s famous line of “know your damn role.”

What Happens There Also Happens Here

I found two interesting articles last week on the overreactions of governments to speech on the Internet.

In Morocco, an 18-year old was arrested for posting an unflattering image of the king on Facebook. The government claimed the youth was "defaming Morocco's sacred values".  As a response, several Moroccans set up Facebook group pages and posted as many unflattering pictures of the king as they could find.

Meanwhile, in the land of the free and the home of the brave, two Europeans were denied entry into the United States after one of them tweeted that they were going to "destroy" America. Of course, the two enthusiastic travelers didn't mean they were going to send America back to the Stone Age, they merely meant they were going to party. But the all-knowing Homeland Security booted the pair and sent them back across the Atlantic.

Big Brother and The Man are watching here, there, and everywhere.

Making Job Fairs Better with Clowns

After being laid off several months ago, I did everything I could to find work. I did lunches with power brokers and went broke at power lunches. I signed up for new job sites and cited new job signs. I looked in nooks and crannies and looked at jobs for cooks and nannies. Nothing panned out short of washing pans and a hand-out.

Yet despite my own personal failures, I’d recommend all the networking, job sites, lunches, and the like to any job searcher. They all have potential, potentially. But there is one recommended job searching method that I don’t believe is effective in the least. One job searching method that is so horrendously ineffective, so overrated, and so flat-out meritless it is better to be unemployed than to get bathed in its embarrassing embrace.

If you haven’t guessed from the title of the post, I am talking about the Job Fair. The modern day sullen spectacle of utterly useless professional pageantry. A voluntary auction where people beg and butt-kiss for a chance to labor hard hours for The Man.

I’ve been to several job fairs since I lost my last job. From industry specific to general, they’ve all gone the same way: thousands of job hunters get dressed up, shake hands, hand out resumes, collect business cards, and go back to being unemployed. At every job fair it’s the same thing. Rinse and repeat and in two weeks, the hopes and dreams of being employed will wash away.

Even worse, half the recruiters or job reps I’ve talked to have told me to go online to apply or email them my resume. Then why did I get dressed up? Why did I struggle for 15 minutes trying to tie a tie when I could have been checking job fair sites at home while eating Cheetos in my underwear?

So being the connoisseur of capitalistic carnivals that I am, I’ve come to the conclusion that job fairs need to be more interesting, more useful, and more fun. They should be more than just meet and greets. They should be both practical and entertaining.

They should be more like state fairs. Everyone loves state fairs. Why? Because they are awesome. And job fairs need to steal a bit of that awesomeness.

First of all, job fairs need clowns. Lots and lots of clowns. Not just the step-and-fetch-it corporate clowns that are normally at job fairs, but real red-nose, rainbow wig, smiley makeup clowns. Job seekers need to be optimistic, right? There should be clowns to greet people as they walk in to the job fair. And clowns can walk the aisles smiling, making balloon animals, and shocking unsuspecting recruiters with hand buzzers.

Second, job fairs need cotton candy. They need clowns to give out cotton candy when job seekers walk in and then hand out more cotton candy as job seekers peruse the aisles of employers. Cotton candy is much better than the piddly plastic pieces of crap and grab bag garbage job fair sponsors and booths usually give out these days.

Third, job fairs need games. They need bottle toss. They need ring toss. They need duck shoot. They need the games that make state fairs so fun. The games that award giant stuffed Kung Fu Pandas and goldfish that die in two days. Games at job fairs however would give different prizes and wouldn’t cost the price of a token. Job fair games would cost only a copy of a resume and would award the player first consideration for any job they want to be considered for at any employer at the job fair. I think that’s fair fare.

Games need to be prevalent throughout the fair and held not by the job fair sponsors but also by each individual job stand. These games would be great icebreakers instead of the played out boring song and dance of “Hi, my name is ... and I am looking for a position as a …”. That is not only dull, but tells nothing about the person. State fair-type games would give employers insight into how competitive the person is and whether or not they have an aggressive killer instinct. Some companies might find killer competitiveness important, and some might find it a turn-off.

Another staple of the state fair that I want to see at job fairs is the highly entertaining freak show. Instead of the traditional freaks of the natural world such as the bearded lady or the world’s smallest, tallest, or fattest man, however, I’d like to see the freaks of the corporate world such as the woman who swims in perfume, the ageless man who won’t retire, the middle manager with the permanent brown nose, and the man who eats tuna for lunch every day. Some companies could even donate freakish absurd objects such as the coffee pot that was never cleaned or the fax machine that actually worked.

State fairs are also known for their pageants of pigs and cows and other farm animals. Job fairs should emulate these fair standards as well. They should hold secretary pageants or janitor pageants, for example. Secretary pageants wouldn’t be beauty pageants, of course, because those are sexist. Job fair secretary pageants would showcase real secretarial skills such as typing, dictation, coffee making skills, and the ability to perk up the boss when needed. I’ll let your imagination run with that.

Finally, no state fair would be complete without an elephant ride. And job fairs should also incorporate these amazing staples of mammalian movement. Instead of riding the elephant as visitors would at a state fair however, elephant events at job fairs would instruct prospective job hunters to pick up plodding pachyderm poop as fat cat CEOs ride atop eating grapes served by beautiful buxom blondes in bikinis.

Hey, not all jobs are fair, even at the job fair.

A Letter to Jimmy Kimmel from a Tampa Comic

Dear Jimmy,

May I call you Jimmy? I saw a guest on your show call you Jimmy. But I am not a guest. I am a resident. A resident of Tampa, Florida. And additionally, I am also a comic and writer here in Tampa. I've performed at the Tampa Improv a few times. Sure they were showcase shows and open mics, but you have to start somewhere, right?

And that brings me to why I am writing. I recently read that you had some not so nice things to say about the city I call home. Twenty years ago, you were kinda sorta right where I am now, a nobody in the grand scheme of entertainment trying to claw and scratch your way up at whatever venue or venture would take you. In your case, it was the Q-105 radio show. For me, it is comedy open mics, sports blogging, and freelance music writing.

So what's with the Tampa hate, man?

Sure, you are a big time talk show host and a celebrity with tons of credits and acclaim, but that's no reason to piss on your roots. There are many other comics and entertainers here trying to entertain and make people laugh, some of whom actually like living in Tampa or even claim Tampa in their biographies. Many would love to be in your shoes one day.

What you said about Tampa hurt, Jimmy. It hurt my heart. It hurt my soul. It hurt some places only the strippers in Tampa can make better.

Like you, I've had some bad times here in Tampa. I had my car broke into, I've had friends assaulted, I've lost two jobs. I even got food poisoning. But you know what, I still like it here. And if I ever make it big, I'm not going to bad mouth a city over a few bad experiences.

That said, Jimmy, I would like to extend an invitation to you to come back to Tampa and check out what we have going on and maybe tell us how we can be better. I'd like to see you help, not hurt, Jimmy. Unfortunately, however, I will not be in town for the next year. The economy here is so bad for people with my skill set that after almost a year of being unemployed, I had to find a job in Afghanistan. So I'll be there.

But, in closing, Jimmy, if I could call you Jimmy, I wish you the best with your show and I hope someone else makes it from Tampa, someone who is a little nicer to their humble beginnings. Like my great-granddaddy once said, you can't grow a good mullet if you pull out all your roots.

(Ok, he didn't actually say that. But it sounded cool.)