Not so Serious Movie Review: Ernest in the Army (1998)

 

 

I am an Ernest fan. I don't know if it is acceptable to say that on the internet, or if it is cool, or popular, or whatever. I like Ernest. Jim Varney's character is funny, unique, and a good-hearted dude. Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Saves Christmas, and Ernest Scared Stupid are classics in the line of Mr. Bean or Laurel and Hardy or Charlie Chaplin. Good family fun.

I am also a fan of good military comedies. Stripes is a classic, Major Payne was great, Private Benjamin is good, and even Pauly Shore's In the Army Now is worth a few re-watches and quoted lines. Most of these revolve around fish-out-of-water scenarios that when done right, hit more than they miss.

Given that Ernest always plays a fish out of water-type character, Ernest in the Army should have been decent. But it is not. Ernest in the Army is bad. Really bad. Only fans of Ernest should watch this movie.

I couldn't tell who Ernest in the Army was for. It had a complex plot, featuring a Middle East dictator invading a neighboring country while an international Illuminati hopes to get their hands on a plutonium missile. Meanwhile, Ernest joins the Army Reserves and is assigned to the only unit attached to a United Nations Task Force assigned to stop the dictator.

Ernest gets left in the desert, befriends a local boy, cavorts with a news reporter, goes on a rescue mission by himself, and eventually saves the day. Although he saves the day in most of his movies, Ernest in the Army lacked any charm and humor. Outside of two cameos early in the movie, Ernest's side characters were absent. Also absent were his friends who make appearances in his other movies (the guys who play baggage handlers in Saves Christmas and chefs in Goes to Camp, etc.).

Ernest movies are not supposed to be Oscar-worthy cinematic masterpieces. But they should be enjoyable, especially for kids. They could have made this a kids' movie. They could have had Ernest driving different vehicles like a tank or a jet plane. Maybe he could have saved the President or something. Instead they buried Ernest in a convoluted plot with bad side characters and no charm or humor for miles.

Instead of burying Ernest, they should have buried this movie in the desert with copies of the ET Atari game.

Grade: 2 Ernest Ewwws out of 5, knowhutimean?

Clearwater Comic Con appearance and review

 

I had the great pleasure of being part of a panel at the Clearwater Library's annual Comic Con. Such a great time talking with fellow writers AC Haydee and Silk Jazmyne about folklore in fantasy. I was also very impressed with the Clearwater Comic Con. It is a small, local convention, but it was very well run and put together. There were several artists and authors I knew from previous events, to include the illustrious King of the B-Movies, the great Joel Wynkoop. Joel is my hero.

I left the Clearwater Comic Con with new books, graphic novels, and movies, as well as some new ideas that I hope to make happen. Definitely excited to create and do great things.

Perhaps next year I will have a table at the Clearwater Comic Con. It is highly recommended. 

Book review - Con-Thology : Stories of Convention Horror

 

As a member of my friend Josh Ginsburg's Patreon, I received a copy of Con-Thology, a horror collection he was recently published in. For $3 a month, I get a sneak peek at all of his prolific writings and other membership perks, to include Con-Thology.

As the title says, Con-Thology is a collection of horror stories that take place in the halls of a convention. Conventions can be organized chaos, full of vendors and characters and celebrities and guest appearances. You never know who or what you might run into in at a convention. These stories up the ante and increase the chaos of convention life. 

Con-Thology is short. It is only 55 pages, including table of contents and author bio page. You can read it in one sitting. Each story ranges between 8 and 15 pages. They get to the point and bring the weirdness and horror. I am going to review each and give my personal opinions in order of appearance in the book.

1) Cosplay by Josh Strnad

The anthology starts with the shortest story in the collection. Josh tells the tale of a loner and social outcast who embraces his mysterious wraith costume and enjoys the attention he gets from his fellow attendees while still being able to hide within his disguise. His ability to hide in his mysterious attire provides cover for his darker intentions.

2) Autographed Edition by Douglas Ford

The set-up for this story is awesome. I love the idea of a reader finding a new release from a deceased author and further finding that the book is autographed with the author's signature. There is so much mystery and potential with that premise. It could have been its own book. But in the world of Con-Thology, other authors and bargains and ceremonies enter the story and while we pleasantly wade in the macabre and occult, we shift from the initial mystery to something more ceremonial. Perhaps Douglas will revisit that premise and flesh it out into something larger someday.

(Note: I've met Doug. He and I did a book signing coordinated through Josh in St Petersburg last fall. Doug is also quite prolific, with several novels and collections to his name. I own The Infection Party, although I have not had a chance to read it yet.)

3) The Sally Anne Test by Elaine Pascale

Another very weird and usual story - which is to be expected of course. I enjoyed the point of view of someone who had been sheltered and used as an experiment by a manipulative parent. The horror of psychological manipulation is creepy and a fertile ground for something bad to happen. Eventually, the young girl not only has a chance to be around others, but she also has a chance to meet her favorite graphic artist. Or does she? The twists and turns of this story make it a very interesting read.

4)  Closing Ceremony by Joshua Ginsburg

I had the pleasure of reading this story before it was in Con-Thology. Josh asked my thoughts on the story and the unique way it was written. I liked it then and I like the finished product. This story takes a unique perspective on a convention annihilated by a disaster. It reads like an investigative report, full of details and observations. There are no people, no characters, and no dialogue. It is an interesting read, chock full of name-drops and Easter eggs. And being that the convention hall is utterly devastated, Josh's story is a good way to end the book. Even if you have a wristband, you are not going back in after that.

Overall, I enjoyed Con-Thology. It was a fun, creepy, quick read. Highly recommend signing up for Josh's patreon for only $3 a month or finding any of the authors and picking up a copy of Con-Thology at your nearest convention.

FOUND: Bin Laden satire from 2002

 

(I wrote this 23 years ago. I just found it in directory of essays and college papers. I was reading a lot The Onion and SatireWire back then. Bin Laden's 68th birthday is as good a time as any to finally publish this.)

 

Jan 18, 2002 

Tampa, FL-- US Central Command General Tommy Franks said Friday Osama Bin Laden is either "dead or alive"- not undead as reported by several Afghanistan news sources. 

News of Bin Laden becoming "undead" by way of an ancient Islamic ceremony reached US servicemen in Camp Rhino last week, scaring many. 

"I was shocked," commented one Army soldier. "Not only can we not find him, now we can't kill him if we did find him."  

These Afghan reports scared more than just US servicemen- people across the world pondered the ghastly possibilities of an undead Bin Laden.  

"If is this is true, Bin Laden could commit his own suicide attacks and walk away completely unharmed," stated a military strategist. "I am glad General Franks dispelled these ugly rumors." 

When approached for comment, several Islamic clergymen would neither confirm nor deny the existence of a ceremony transporting mortals into the world of the undead.

Book signing - The Gilded Page Bookstore, Tarpon Springs, FL, Friday March 7th, 2025

 

My Spring 2025 Tour continues at The Gilded Page in Tarpon Springs on March 7th from 6pm to 9pm. This signing is a long time coming as Julia, the owner, and I have been talking about the best time to make this happen. We agreed the beginning of baseball season is the best time to do a signing of a baseball book. So I will be at The Gilded Page in conjunction with the Tarpon Springs downtown vendor fair. The Gilded Page is near the vendor fair so hopefully we get plenty of walk-ins.

I am excited and I hope to see everyone there!

 

Book signing Water Street Book Fair - March 12th, 2025

 

New date! The March 5th book fair was rescheduled until March 12th!

Big announcement!

I am part of the inaugural Water Street Cover to Cover Book Fair in downtown Tampa on Wednesday, March 12th, 2025. I have never been to Water Street, Tampa's new downtown district, so this is a great opportunity to explore and be a part of something new and exciting and hopefully sell a bunch of books.

Hope to see everyone there!

Book signing at Motorworks Brewing March 2nd 2025

 

 

I am super excited to announce my latest book signing will be at Motorworks Brewing in Bradenton, Florida on Sunday, March 2nd from noon to 5pm. My goal is to be there before, during, and after the Pittsburgh Pirates spring training game a few blocks away.

Longtime fans will remember that I did a book signing at Motorworks way back in 2022 during an FSU football game. That was a very good night for sales and Seminole football. Happy to return to Motorworks and have a few of their great beers.

Hope to see you there!

Not so Serious movie review: Paganini Horror (1989)

 

I've been doing a lot of reading about Nicolo Paganini recently. For those who don't know, he was a17th Century violinist who may or may not have been in cahoots with the Devil. He took violin playing to another level so naturally many critics and influencers of the day thought he got his gift from somewhere dark. Because of course no one should be able to play so well. Perhaps he sold his soul.

Yes, the roots of Robert Johnson and the Blues lay deep.

Soul selling and interplay with Satan are at the root of this low budget Italian horror. A female rock band who sound a lot like Bon Jovi are in a rut, at least according to their producer. In order to find the thing that will make their next song into a mega hit, they send their drummer to buy an ancient scroll from Dr Lumis of Halloween fame. The scroll is the sheet music of a never before played or recorded song by Nicolo Paganini, the Devil's Violinist.

Of course the girls want to play the song. Of course, their producer wants the song in a video. Of course, they pick a creepy old castle to film the video. Of course, they play the song in the castle. Of course, all breaks loose.

Slowly but surely, everyone dies in some low budget fashion or another. The ghost of Paganini has an interesting dagger that emerges from his violin that does the job to a few of the victims. One girl gets subsumed by ancient wood fungus. Another woman is killed by an invisible wall. Did I mention Satan or the Ghost of Paganini has surrounded the castle with a electro-shield that holds their prisoners on the castle grounds.

There is a fun twist at the end that I wasn't expecting. There was also a comment about trying to play the song backwards to reverse the curse. But that never happens.

Overall, I enjoyed Paganini Horror. It was cheesy. It was poorly acted. But it was low budget. But it did have an interesting premise. Stay tuned to see a similar premise in my next novel.

Grade: 3 Devilish Violins out of 5

Not so Serious Movie Review: The Devil's Nightmare (1971)

 

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful trip

Seven tourists traveled by bus

Into the Devil's web 

The driver was a buffoon,

Who forgot the way.

An old farmer points them to a castle

Where they can rest until the following day.

 

While there they meet a succubus, 

Brought back from many years.

She has no problem killing the tourists,

Playing on their fears. Playing on their fears.

The Devil was the farmer who also controlled the castle, and he collects the souls

Of the priest

The glutton too,

The adulterous man and his greedy wife,

The sleepy blond

The angry old man and the lustful brunette,

Here in the Devil's Nightmare!

Books I Read in 2024

 

2024 was a big reading year for me. I typically set a goal for 15 books in a year. In 2024, I read 27. According to Goodreads, I read over 7,000 pages.

I read 18 non-fiction books and 10 fiction novels. I read a smorgasbord of topics, from war to business, sci-fi to horror. I read a few biographies and a few books about music. I read best sellers and debuts by independent authors. I read a book written in the 16th century and another published in fall 2024.

Overall, a great year for reading.

By the way, I think pages is a better stat to measure reading. Some books are longer than others. 7,000 pages is now my standard. That's 19 pages a day, every day, for 365 days.

Books I Read in 2024:

Business @ the Speed of Thought: Succeeding in the Digital Economy – Bill Gates

There's Just One Problem...: True Tales from the Former, One-Time, 7th Most Powerful Person in WWE – Brian Gewirtz

The Stelari – Andrew Denn

Devil's Contract: The History of the Faustian Bargain – Ed Simon

Dr. Faustus – Christopher Marlowe

My Real Dad Was A Stripper – Angela Scott

The Great Unraveling: Losing Our Way in the New Century – Paul Krugman

Knuckler: My Life with Baseball's Most Confounding Pitch – Tim Wakefield

Return with Honor – Scott O'Grady

Practical Demonkeeping (Pine Cove, #1) – Christopher Moore

Mail Order Murder (A Lucy Stone Mystery #1) – Leslie Meier

Jarhead : A Marine's Chronicle of the Gulf War and Other Battles – Anthony Swofford

The Howling of the Dead – Stephanie E. Jensen

Other People's Property: A Shadow History of Hip-Hop in White America – Jason Tanz

Whose Blues?: Facing Up to Race and the Future of the Music – Adam Gussow

The Blue Nowhere – Jeffery Deaver

The Wall that Heals – Jan C. Scruggs

The Cuckoo's Egg: Tracking a Spy Through the Maze of Computer Espionage – Clifford Stoll

Secret Tampa Bay: A Guide to the Weird, Wonderful, and Obscure – Josh Ginsburg

The Republican Playbook – Andy Borowitz

Five-Minute Mysteries: 37 Challenging Cases of Murder and Mayhem for You to Solve – Ken Weber

Outlaw Summer, Cyber Dreams: A Hacker’s Journey Through Crime And Redemption – Eddie Miro

From a Certain Point of View: Return of the Jedi (From a Certain Point of View, #3) – Elizabeth Schaefer

Forging the Modern Age, 1900-14 – Reader’s Digest Association

Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die – Chip Heath

Why Climb the Corporate Ladder When You Can Take The Elevator?: 500 Secrets for Success in Business – John M. Capozzi

Thinking, Fast and Slow – Daniel Kahneman