My Modern Social Theory- "The Man"
by: Crazy-Man
"The Man" is an intangible bugaboo that masterminds the hardships and tragedies of that thing we call life. Being technologically superior, he can morph into anything he wants- your boss, the local authorities, the president, your parents, a lawyer, the guy that signs your inadequate paycheck, etc. You can use that last sentence as a mad-lib for added effect.
When you work 13 hours, come home at 8:00PM to realize that you locked your key in the apartment- blame it on "The Man"- because he made you do it. When it takes another 2.5 hours to get some scab to open your apartment door for you- blame it on "The Man"- it is all his fault. When the scab requires 20 bucks to open your apartment door, beat the crap out of the scab, because he is "The Man". But defiling the scab/"Man" apparition will be to no avail because, by the time your finished teaching the scab 'the true meaning of sorrow', "The Man" will be somewhere else already- probably stealing your loved one's monogamy.
But don't be fooled, "The Man" can be in multiple places at once just as easily as you eat a Twinkie in just four bites. He can simultaneously be controlling the red stoplight you run, in his secret hideout faxing your brain the endorphins that result in deviance, AND in the cop car that catches you do it.
Tragically enough- our modern society would not exist were it not for "The Man".
Let's outline a single "Man" scenario. It starts with the workplace- something common to almost everyone. First, "he" assumes the role of your boss. You have to work superhuman hours to keep your job. You are not paid enough to live the life "he" puts on your TV (excluding The Simpsons and Married With Children- these are actually documentaries on reality, but you think they are "comedies"). You can only afford to eat food prepared in less than 8 minutes. Enter McDonald's and Taco Bell. These generate more jobs where "he" is still your boss. "The Man" sprinkles saturated fats, cholesterols, and carcinogens into the menus. Heart disease and cancer become commonplace. Since "he" uses all of your time for unrewarded grunt work, computers are implemented into his 'toolbox of terror' in hopes of squeezing all the productivity out of your cellulite that he can. Entertainment such as the internet is added to computers so that you will waste half a year's pay to have one in your home. "He" gratuitously distributes hard drive failures, Microsoft products, lightning, and the ability to go obsolete in just one week. "He" assumes the role of that voluptuous member of the opposite sex that you meet one Friday night. While breaking the ice, your contraceptive fails and you get AIDS.
Now you know. Sorry, but the truth is out there, and its name is "The Man"
