Grandma's Vomit and Other Melodious Metal Monikers

Although far from a stereotypical metalhead, I am a fan of various types of music and music cultures to include many hard rock and mainstream metal bands. My interest in this type of music has led me to be fascinated by the names, images, and descriptions of the denizens of hard, fast, heavy, often unintelligible metal. Earlier this week, I found a web site that not only piqued my interest, but actually took from time normally spent at work perusing sports blogs.

Encyclopaedia Metallum is the wikipedia of metal bands, relying on user entries to become the one-stop-shop for all persons metal. The web site divides its entries in three distinct categories: bands by letter, bands by country, and bands by genre. Of course, it has all the mainstream performers such as Metallica, Black Sabbath, and Deep Purple, and the usual categories such as heavy/traditional and speed metal. But it is the depths of triviality that makes the Encyclopedia Metallum so enthralling. Did you know there are metal bands that specialize in German Viking mythology? What about bands who write songs about animals killing people or dentistry?

So in honor of the weird, odd, and demented throughout the Encyclopedia Metallum, here are my personal five favorite entries.

1) Carnivorous Vagina - Scary name. Puts the fear of God in every hetro male. Biggest problem with Carnivorous Vagina, however, is their lack of musical ability, according to an album review.

2) Nembrionic Hammerdeath - Although they have changed their name to just "Nembrionic", Nembrionic Hammerdeath are still banging out the tunes. According to their web site, "after years of being in the underground, Nembrionic still has no ambition to get rich, famous and more of this bullshit ... In 1998 Nembrionic has proven to be on the top of the death metal list with their new opus 'Incomplete'; pure brilliance, which leaves no doubt about their musicianship and songwriting qualties. Their one of the best around." Still tough to figure what a nembrionic hammerdeath is though.

3) Abwhore - No, it is not a person that only works abdominals at the gym. Abwhore is a "blackened gothic metal band" from Atlanta. By the way, how can a band be blackened? Are they fish or chicken? Dumb name, dumb description.

4) Godwaffle - Most metal bands that have "God" in their name are usually something demonic or evil sounding like GodDead or GodKills or NoGod or something like that. Godwaffle? Are you kidding? According to the band's myspace page, they are the Chuck Norris of metal, with such tidbits of insight such as "Godwaffle kidnap babies to raise for the ultimate battle between Heaven and Godwaffle" and "Godwaffle shot Hemmingway in the f**king face". The web site gets weirder, claiming Godwaffle's drummer was murdered by the lead singer and the guitarist, who then framed the bassist for the crime. While the bassist serves life in prison, the two actual culprits are rumored to be successful daycare owners hiding somewhere near Idaho. Ummm, I really don't know what else to say ... moving on ...

5) My personal favorite: Grandma's Vomit - These guys don't look half as serious as the other bands. Maybe that is to their advantage. Grandma's Vomit doesn't sound that imposing. After all, isn't tossing Grandma's cookies only a step away from eating Grandma's cookies, and who doesn't love those?

An FSU Fan Experience at the 2007 ACC Tournament

Living 20 minutes from the St. Pete Times Forum has its advantages. For one, whenever there is a Lightning home game, my drive home from work gets infested with a buttload of Lightning fan traffic. Nothing beats getting stuck in traffic. There are also numerous country music acts that arrive throughout the year. From Tim McGraw, to Faith Hill, to Conway Twitty, to whomever else, they all seem to pass through Tampa, filling the roads with radio station vans, random fans, roadies, groupies, and other assorted potential roadkill. Please remind me, how many points is it to run over a boot-scootin' urban cowboy?

But this week the St. Pete Times Forum finally earns its keep and plays host to its biggest group of guests since Motley Crue. This week the ACC Tournament ventures out of its traditional home in the Carolinas and makes its way to beautiful sunny Tampa. And since I first saw the banner advertising the tournament last May, I vowed to be there.

Unfortunately, in the months and days leading up to the Tournament, I had become dismayed by the lack of availability of tickets. Apparently, the ACC hasn't had a public sale of tickets since the 1960s. Tickets are issued to the universities, which then issue them to the biggest boosters (read: rich, old, white men). So where is the average fan? Left to buy tickets from seedy scalpers. Fortunately, there were quite a few not-so-shady people outside the forum selling tickets to the games they were not interested in attending. Makes sense, I guess. If you were a Virginia fan, for example, why waste time watching Florida State and Clemson battle it out when you could take the cash, drive across town, go to Busch Gardens, and ride roller coasters all day?

(By the way, I know they are an integral part of the college fund-raising process, but I cannot abide boosters. Disgusting creatures. I can't stand their team logo polo shirts, their team logo golf hats, and their pretentious attitudes because they can donate thousands of dollars a year to my alma mater. And I absolutely hate how they swing their power around like Dirk Diggler to get their way with the university (think Jeff Bowden). F*^# boosters.)

After dropping 20 on parking and another 80 on a ticket (I know, I got ripped off), and with still an hour to waste until tip-off, I headed towards the ACC Fan Fest. This was the usual corporate interactive smorgasbord of free throw contests, credit card t-shirts, and goodie bag give-aways. Eh. Nothing special.

On the subject of things that didn't quite blow my socks off, after searching high and higher, I found my seat among the bats and cobwebs of the St. Pete Times Forum's extreme upper deck. Considering I spent 100 dollars already, I probably should have spent the additional cash and sprung for an oxygen tank. The air was mighty thin in the belfry. 80 bucks for this? Whatever. Only real fans sit in the nosebleed seats. And people looking for a place to anonymously get some lovin'.

Another random note about fans: maybe I am just being negative, but nothing says bandwagon basketball fan like a guy wearing a university's football jersey to a basketball game. Even the polo shirt wearing boosters have more sense than that. How about wearing an FSU basketball shirt, buddy? You know they do make them. You can even get one for free if you go to some home basketball games. Hell, that's how I acquired half my wardrobe. But I digress ...

As for the game ...

Florida State came into this game absolutely needing a win. They had lost to Clemson twice this year, both on the road and in Tallahassee. And being one of the many bubble teams hoping to play in the NCAA Tournament, they could ill-afford to make a quick exit from their conference tournament.

Oddly, FSU Coach Leonard Hamilton chose not to start normally-starting point guard Toney Douglas, instead opting for backup Ralph Mims. I can not emphasize enough how much better the offense plays with Douglas on the court. Without him, they stand around and wait for Al Thornton to do something spectacular. Douglas drives, dishes, swings passes from one side of the perimeter to the other, and just makes the offense much more fluid and effective.

The beginning of the game was pretty rough. Neither team seemed to be shooting well. Maybe it was the facility, as even during warm-ups the St. Pete Times Forum rims seemed unforgiving. Thornton, like all other scorers in the game, started off slow, although he eventually warmed up enough to lead all players with 18 at the half. One of my biggest fears is now that Al Thorton has reached "superstar" status, will the other Seminoles cede too much of the offense to him? Will other player be more apt to think Thornton will lead them to victory so they will give less effort on the offensive side? I hope not.

Despite the offensive ineptitude, FSU led 38-36 at the half. Unfortunately, as I only had 1 dollar in my wallet, my halftime experience consisted of sitting around and watching the amazingly beautiful, somehow nationally-ranked FSU Golden Girl dancers. Oh, how I wish Bea Arthur and Betty White could shake it like that. Give Golden Girls a whole new meaning. By the way, I remember when FSU used to bring in halftime acts like trampoline guys and guys who did flips across the court. What ever happened to them? Anyway, that was halftime.

The second half mirrored the first as neither team went on any type of scoring run to put the other away. FSU's Douglas, who actually played a majority of the game despite not starting, seemed reluctant to score, and rarely took the ball up whenever he drove into the lane, instead opting to pass. Not a bad strategy as the defense usually clamps down to prevent the lay-up, but putting the ball up once in a while might be good, you know, to change up the routine. Maybe he was afraid of getting re-injured.

And re-injured he almost was, falling hard after tripping on a Clemson player with 6 minutes left in the game. Much to the collective joy of the FSU fans, Douglas either played hurt or was alright, returning to the floor 14 seconds later.

With the game winding down and with the score 66-66 and 35 seconds on the clock, FSU attempted to inbound the ball for the score and the win. This should have been easy, set a screen, get Thornton open, and watch him win the game for you. Unfortunately, the only man able to get open was freshman Ryan Reid, who has an effective shooting range of about 2 feet. Reid, standing beyond 2 feet from the basket, couldn't get the job done and Clemson drove down the court only to turn the ball over, and giving the Noles one last chance for the win with 8.3 on the clock.

This time the Noles were able to get the ball to Thornton, who then attempted a crazy fall-away-from-three-defenders shot. Luckily for FSU fans, and much to the dismay of Clemson fans, the refs called a foul, sending Thornton to the line with 1.5 seconds remaining in the game. Who better? Who else? Bill Simmons, I hope you were watching. What's the saying, "big time players make big time plays in big time situations"? Well, it was Al Thornton's time.

Thornton made one of two free throws, which was enough, as Clemson failed to make their last-second hail mary attempt. Final score FSU 67 - Clemson 66. Next up: North Carolina.

No one said this would be easy.

As for me, although I would love to go to one more game, I don't think I am going to spend another 80 bucks on nosebleed seats. I think I am going watch the game in the comfort of my local Hooters.

Mmmmm .... Hooters.

Bill Simmons’s Rules of a True Fan: The Five Year Review

On February 27, 2002, ESPN columnist Bill Simmons wrote perhaps one of his best articles, the Rules for Being a True Fan. Although by no means an authority, Simmons laboriously detailed 20 guidelines for fandom. In 2002, these rules were considered gospel, especially to Simmons's many legions of fans. Five years later, however, with the sports world vastly different, and many voices out-Simmons-ing Simmons, it is time to re-examine The Rules of a True Fan and see how relevant they remain.

(Warning: This post is over 2,500 words. May require printing out and/or minimizing on occasion. Enjoy.)

1) "You can't purchase a 'blank' authentic jersey from your favorite team with no name on the back, then stick your own name and number on the jersey ... well, unless you want to be an enormous dork."

Still 100% true. Nothing says "dork" like Jordi on a Mets jersey. However, with the explosion of throwback jerseys in recent years, the jersey rule had to be updated. Josh Bacott of JoeSportsFan.com does an excellent job covering the details of what should and should not be accepted of a jersey wearer. When discussing old Cardinal jerseys, for example, Bacott asserts "If you’re going to make an investment on a throwback jersey, at least make sure the jersey actually existed at one time." Do not get a Dizzy Dean-era Vince Coleman jersey. Real fans know a fraud when they see one.

2) "If you're attending an NBA game, don't wear the jersey of a team that isn't competing in the game."

True, but not as horrible as it once was. Again because of the explosion of throwbacks. Let me explain. If, for example, you live in LA, like a certain sports writer, but you root for the Celtics, and you want to wear your Larry Bird throwback to a Clippers-Grizzles game, I see no problem. As a matter of fact, if the players themselves wear throwback jersey of players not in their organization, a fan has every right to say "Yes, I am here to watch the Clippers and the Grizzles. Yes, I am admiring the game as an observer, not a fan. Yes, I am a Larry Bird fan."

3) "Don't wear cheap-looking replica jerseys or flimsy-looking bargain-basement hats. Come on. You're representing every fan from your team."

I understand where Simmons comes from with this, but keep in mind, he went to a private college and grew up among Celtics season ticket holders. If all I can afford is a two dollar hat, then if you want me to wear a new Starter fitted cap, you buy it for me. Otherwise, I am rocking the two dollar hat. Being a fan isn't based on money.

4) "Don't wear replica championship rings as a conversation starter. Don't carry someone's baseball card in your wallet as a conversation starter."

Ok, these are still true. I don't know anyone who actually did either of these, save for Bob Costas and his Mickey Mantle card. If, however, you buy an authentic championship ring on eBay, show that baby off.

5) "It's OK to flagrantly show your contempt for the home team by wearing the colors of a hated rival, as long as you're not being obnoxious as you root for the visiting team."

Of course this is true. When would it not be? Although I would tone down the rival-wear in the company of some European soccer fans.

6) "When your team wins a championship, it's your civic duty to purchase as much paraphernalia as possible."

If this is true, Simmons's house is probably covered in Pats and Red Sox paraphernalia. This is a dumb rule. Keep it modest folks. Nobody likes a braggart. A championship t-shirt, a hat maybe, the front page of the local newspaper, and that weeks Sports Illustrated should be all you need.

7) "Be very careful when using the word "We" with your favorite team. Use it judiciously. Just remember, you don't wear a uniform, you don't play any minutes, and you're not on the team."

I agree to a point. I have two issues with this rule, however: 1. Because you have established a relationship with the team, should you not refer to yourself as a member of the team's "nation" of fans? Do you not refer to you and your significant other as "we"? Why do you do that? Because there is a bond of affection there.
2. If you are a fan of college sports, especially if you are an alumnus of that particular school, feel free to use "we" as often as you like. You are part of your school's family, as are its current student/athletes.

8) "No hopping on and off the bandwagon during the season with the flip-flop, 'I knew we were going to self-destruct! ... All right, we won six straight! ... I knew we wouldn't keep playing this well. ... I knew we would bounce back!' routine as the season drags along."

Another dumb rule. Again being emotionally attached to anything is going to sway your opinions, especially as you follow it day-to-day. Simmons himself claims to break this rule. There is an axiom in finance to not get caught up in the daily ebb and flow of the market, but to look at the long term. If we followed that axiom in our fan affiliations, we would probably be a little more sane. But it wouldn't be as fun.

9) "It's OK to root against your team, if they're hopelessly out of the playoff race and you want them to keep losing so A) they'll get a better draft pick, or B) you're hoping the coach and/or GM will get fired. Don't feel bad about it."

Still true. Simmons is doing this right now, rooting against his Celtics so they have a better chance of drafting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant. Personally, I am still boycotting the Isiah Thomas era in NY while of course rooting for Oden and Durant to stay in school.

10) "If one of your fantasy guys is lighting it up against your favorite team (scoring goals, rushing for big yards, making jumpers, etc.), you can't pump your fist, high-five anyone or refer to the player in a 'That's one of my guys!' sense, especially if it's a crucial game or a crucial juncture of the game."

I have never been a big fan of fantasy sports. I played one season of fantasy basketball in my freshman year of college. It drove me to drink. Continuously. But Simmons is right, don't put your fantasy team over your "real" team. Unless you are a lock to win money in the fantasy league. Then a little celebration is acceptable.

11) "Don't boo your team unless it's absolutely warranted - like with the brutal Knicks situation this season, or if you're hoping to get a coach fired or a specific player traded or something."

Five years later and Knicks fans are still booing. Amazing, but I digress ...

Here is another rule I disagree with Simmons on. Boo all you want. Cheer all you want. If your team is in a losing streak, boo them. If A-Rod strikes out with the bases loaded, boo him. You pay money to see a performance. If the team, player, management, fails to perform to the ticket buyer's expectations, they can expect to be told as such. I see no problem with that. How else can fans let the performers know they are dissatisfied?

12) "After your team wins a championship, they immediately get a five-year grace period: You can't complain about anything that happens with your team (trades, draft picks, salary-cap cuts, coaching moves) for five years."

Another faulty rule Simmons himself breaks on occasion. For an example of how ridiculous this rule is, ask a Marlins fan how happy they were after the Marlins won in 1997 then lost 108 the following year. Then try to console them with the "five-year grace period". Then tell them their five years ended after 2002, and the because the Marlins won it all in '03 they still can't complain. As a matter of fact, Marlins fans can't complain about 1998 until 2008. Chewbacca lives on Endor and this does not make any sense.

13) "You can follow specific players from other teams, but only as long as they aren't facing your team."

Well, not exactly. This rule should be a lot closer to the aforementioned fantasy rule. In my opinion, it is ok to root for individual accomplishments and root for said individual's team to lose. If I want Kobe to score 60 but the Lakers to lose to the Knicks, how is that wrong?

14) "Just because you supported a team that won a championship, it doesn't give you the right to turn into a pompous, insufferable schmuck. Remember this."

Simmons actually wrote this rule? Wow. Where do I start? In all honesty, you can't have it both ways. You cannot not complain (see Rule 12) and also not be a pompous schmuck. Complaining keeps you level. It reduces your excitement and prevents you from getting a big head. Unless you are a Yankee fan.

15) If your team defeats a good friend's team in a crucial game or series, don't rub it in with them unless they've been especially annoying/gloating/condescending/confrontational in the days leading up to the big battle. You're probably better off cutting off all communications in the days preceding/following the game, just to be safe.

a) Along those same lines, if your team squanders a crucial game/series to your buddy's team, don't make them feel guilty about it -- don't call them to bitch about the game, don't blame some conspiracy or bad referee's call, don't rant and rave like a lunatic.

b) If your buddy's team loses an especially tough game, don't call him -- wait for him to call you. And when you do speak to him, discuss the game in a tone normally reserved for sudden, unexpected deaths.

c) If one of your best friends loves a certain team that has a chance to win a championship, and your team is out of the picture, it's OK to jump on the bandwagon and root for his team to win it all. That's acceptable. Like Temporary Fan status.
Rule 15 - the big one. Simmons's only rule with multiple parts. Despite its complexity, this is a good rule. Rule 15 itself is why I don't bet on my team. Too much friendship ruining potential. I've never been in a 15a situation, however 15b is chillingly true. After "my" Mets lost to the Cardinals in last year NLCS, I didn't answer my phone until I went for a brief walk outside. Had to clear my head. On the other hand, 15c is a great rule that allows you to get your drink on as you let your friend know you totally supported his/her team. You never know, you might just get a drink or two out of it.

16) "If you marry someone who roots for a different team than you, you can't be bullied into switching allegiances."

I would hope this never actually happens, so this rule still applies. Part of being the man of a relationship means laying ground rules in your personality that will not be crossed. She may dress you, drag you to the gym, force you to drink light beer, but you should never give up the team you started following since before she came around. And what if you give up your team and end up divorced? Is there a sports confession booth, where you can confess to a priest you gave up your team for a mortal partner? Just don't do it.

17) "If you're an American woman and visible former actress, and you marry the most famous Canadian hockey star of all-time, and eventually he becomes the man in charge of putting together a Canadian Olympic hockey team, and they end up playing the Americans for the gold medal in a game that's taking place in a U.S. city, and you show up for that game cheering for the Canadians, and you're hugging everyone in sight as the Canadians are putting the game away in the third period ... well, you have to leave the country immediately. And you can't come back. Ever."

Written for Janet Jones, Rule 17 is still applicable.

18) "If you live in a city that has fielded a professional team since your formative years, you have to root for that team."

Sounds good to me.

19) "Once you choose a team, you're stuck with that team for the rest of your life ... unless one of the following conditions applies:

Your team moves to another city.

You grew up in a city that didn't field a team for a specific sport - so you picked a random team - and then either a.) your city landed a team, or b.) you moved to a city that fielded a team for that specific sport.

One of your immediate family members either plays professionally or takes a relevant management/coaching/front office position with a pro team.

You follow your favorite college star (and this has to be a once-in-a-generation favorite college star) to the pros and root for his team du jour. Only works if there isn't a pro team in your area.

The owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn't take it anymore -- you would rather not follow them at all then support a franchise with this owner in charge."

Simmons covers so much with this rule, it's hard to see how it wouldn't still apply. However, that being said, it does only apply to professional major league sports. Simmons unfortunately does not addresses fans of local minor league teams in this section. For example, you live in a town with a minor league team. You root for said team and its players. Are you supposed to discard your loyalty to the players as they move on? Or better yet, what if the major league affiliation of the minor league team changes? What if what was once a Royals Double-A team is now a Red Sox Triple-A team and you are a Yankee fan? Any suggestions?

20) "If you hail from New York, you can't root for the Yankees and the Mets."

This rule absolutely stands and is good for any and all state or city rivals. Can you imagine an Aggie saying "Well, it's ok that the Longhorns won, as long as we keep the National Championship in Texas"? Funk that. As a Florida State Seminole fan, I damn sure rooted for Ohio State in the BCS championship and UCLA in last year's basketball championship. Anyone who puts their team loyalty aside for the betterment of their state is a moron. Your state/city/town/region/community/village/commune/local gathering wins nothing. Your team wins everything.

Overall, most of Bill Simmons's rules are still applicable five years after their initial publication. I guess beneath the teen reality show references, the Godfather and Karate Kid quotes, and the yarns of J-Bug and Hench, there is a core of sports gospel in Simmons's writing that sports fans can and should be able to follow for years to come.


- Jordi

A Monday with Manson (now Bryan Maddox) Part 2

Today we welcome back independent wrestling superstar Bryan Manson. When we last saw Mr. Manson, he was mindlessly meandering through Mudville mauling midgets mercilessly. So with our full riot gear in tow, The Serious Tip attempted to find the truth behind the soon-to-be legend of Bryan Manson.
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The Serious Tip: Welcome back Mr. Manson. So let start off with an easy question, who would you love to face off with in the squared circle (past or present)?

Bryan Manson: Of all the wrestlers to ever work, I would love to wrestle against Bret Hart, circa 1990. His technical ability is among the best and he is the best there was, the best there is, and the best there ever will be ... Until I beat him.

The Serious Tip: I see that happening ... when Bret Hart is about 90. But I digress. So what are your top five all-time favorite matches?

Bryan Manson: Finally, a question where I can have more than one favorite. First any match with Masato Tanaka against Mike Awesome. Those guys put on a great show everytime. Then I would have to say D-Von & Bubba Ray, the Dudley Boyz, versus Kronus and Saturn, the Eliminators, in ECW. Great tag team match, not much tagging, but just a festival of double team moves and straight-out brawling. Then I would say the Undertaker against Mankind in the infamous Hell in a Cell Match. Decent wrestling, but the resolve of Mick Foley is an awesome thing. Second favorite match ever would be Eddie Guerrero against Dean Malenko in their last ECW match. It was two out of three falls and a great technical wrestling match, perhaps the best technical display ever. But my favorite match ever would have to be Rob Van Dam versus Jerry Lynn in ECW. Great match, high-flying, technical, hardcore, no dragging on, just action the whole time, by far the greatest match ever. ECW has always put on better wrestling throughout the company's lifetime, be it technical wrestling or the bloody brutality know as hardcore.

The Serious Tip: I almost lost count, did you just give about 10 different matches? So in your albeit limited short wrestling career what has been your best match?

Bryan Manson: So far, I would have to say my singles match against Nooie Lee. He is a great wrestler and I would love to wrestle him again in the near future, as it would be even better than the last one.

The Serious Tip: I think I have heard porn stars talk of each other the same way. Speaking of, do wrestlers have groupies? If so, what is the wrestler groupie scene like?

Bryan Manson: Wrestling groupies are referred to as Ring Rats, and if they do exist, they don't go to the shows I work. Believe me, if they wanted to do any of the wrestlers at my shows it would be me.

The Serious Tip: Umm … yeah. Speaking of women, who is the hottest female wrestler?

Bryan Manson: Well, until recently, I would've said Trish Stratus, due to her ample wrestling skills and ample breasts. But as she is no longer under the employ of WWE, I would say Mickie James. For some reason, the better the chick wrestles, the hotter she seems. Mickie James is a great wrestler and very easy on the eyes.

The Serious Tip: Mickie James, huh? I guess everyone is due their own opinion now that Stacy Keibler is under the employment of the Mouse. But since this interview is about you, have you held any belts or won any championships yet?

Bryan Manson: I have held the 1st Class Pro Wrestling Tag Team Wrestling Championship as the Koffin Kidz with my partner, Jay Icon. Oh and it is with K's and Z's because that's how the kool kidz do it.

The Serious Tip: Those kooky krazy kool kidz. They need to get away from their eye-pods and their eBays and go outside and play a sport like jacks or cricket or wrestling. Er, is pro wrestling a sport?

Bryan Manson: Sport? No. Are wrestlers athletes? Yes.

The Serious Tip: Ok, that was a quick answer. You know, I remember back in the day there were some wrestlers who you knew looked like Barry Bonds with their thick necks and shriveled testicles (or so I’ve heard). Is steroids still a problem in pro wrestling?

Bryan Manson: Maybe back in the 1980s, but today, with all the information of abuse and all the legal products out there, I don't see a problem at all.

The Serious Tip: But you guys can still get hurt, right? What are the inherent dangers of pro wrestling?

Bryan Manson: Obviously bodily injury is a huge danger, as wrestlers are hitting and slamming each other, as well as leaping off of eight foot heights to concrete floors. Bones are easily broken, muscles torn, and bruises and cuts are plenty. The biggest danger, however, is stepping into the ring with Bryan Manson and not bringing your "A" game.

The Serious Tip: You got me skurred. So what is the biggest false stereotype people have of wrestling? Of wrestlers?

Bryan Manson: Well, either people believe wrestling is totally real or totally fake. That's the biggest stereotype by far. Some think that a DDT or a powerbomb will kill you. While they can be dangerous, if taken correctly a DDT is one of the tamest moves in all of wrestling.
But worse than that are the people who think chair shots don't hurt. People, the chairs are real and the hits are real. Oh yeah, and the blood is real. As far as stereotyping wrestlers, the most annoying is that wrestlers don't feel pain, or don't feel it as much. No, we do. We just know that pain is temporary. I still hurts, though.

The Serious Tip: Everybody knows pain is weakness leaving the body. Though here at The Serious Tip for some reason we never seem to run out of weakness, hence never-ending pain. So, final question, before I leave you to return to your handlers, why should people go see Bryan Manson?

Bryan Manson: To see the culmination of great training, years of hard work, and 287lbs of raw brutality and amazing talent. Simply put... to see the best.
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I'd like to thank Bryan Manson for spending some time with The Serious Tip. Next time though, Mr. Manson, please use the Febreeze after you leave a number two. It’s there for a reason. It stinks in here now.

SportsCenter 100K

Last Sunday, on February 11, ESPN aired its 30,000th SportsCenter. As ESPN is always quick to mention, the first SportsCenter aired on Sept 7, 1979. This milestone in great American sports programming began two days prior to my 2nd birthday. SportsCenter eventually grew to average more than 1,000 episodes per year, enabling the program to air its 30,000th show nearly seven months prior to my 30th birthday.

So how did the SportsCenter broadcasts pass me so quickly? After dusting off my old high school calculator, I decided to crunch the numbers. I discovered that in the duration between SportsCenter 1 and SportsCenter 10K, on December 2, 1988, there were 2.96 SportsCenter airings per day. How this was, I am not sure, as ESPN did not begin airing a second daily SportsCenter until January 1, 1982.

From SportsCenter 10K to SportsCenter 20K, on May 17, 1998, there were 2.9 SportsCenter airings per day, curiously less per day than the previous 10K, and even more curious considering a third daily SportsCenter began airing on August 20, 1990.

On Aug 25, 2002, ESPN aired SportsCenter 25K. With the addition of a fourth daily SportsCenter beginning April 6, 1999, the average amount of SportsCenters per day increased to 3.2. Again there would be another decline in daily SportsCenters as ESPN broadcasting averaged only 3.06 SportsCenter airings per day from SportsCenter 25K to SportsCenter 30K on February 11, 2007. By the way, if anyone can explain how the amount of SportsCenters per day drop on occasion, please let me know.

After doing all that math, I began to wonder, barring accident, injury, or a game of global thermonuclear war gone awry, will I live long enough to see the 100,000th airing of SportsCenter? Using the most recent average of SportsCenter airings per day (3.06), SportsCenter should pass its remaining 5K milestones on the following dates:

SportsCenter 35K – July 29, 2011
SportsCenter 40K – January, 16, 2016
SportsCenter 45K – July 4, 2020
SportsCenter 50K – December 22, 2024
SportsCenter 55K – June 9, 2029
SportsCenter 60K – November 27, 2033
SportsCenter 65K – May 15, 2038
SportsCenter 70K – November 2, 2042
SportsCenter 75K – April 20, 2047
SportsCenter 80K – October 8, 2051
SportsCenter 85K – March 26, 2056
SportsCenter 90K – September 13, 2060
SportsCenter 95K – March 3, 2065
SportsCenter 100K – August 21, 2069

August 21, 2069. I will be 91 years old. Living to see SportsCenter 100K is my new long term goal. Remembering what I watched at 91 years old, however, may be a whole other issue.

A Monday with Manson (now Bryan Maddox) Part 1

As Mitch Albom once spent his Tuesdays with Morrie, here at The Serious Tip I am spending the next two Mondays posting my recent email interview with someone of a far different breed. Someone far more intimidating, scarier, and who wears more make-up than Albom’s elderly mentor. From the ranks of Florida’s independent wrestling scene, I bring to you

Bryan Manson.

(P.S. I know pro wrestling isn’t considered a sport in some circles, but it is the ides of mid-February. Not exactly the most exciting time in the sports calendar.)

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The Serious Tip: Greetings Mr. Manson. So where does Bryan Manson come from? Are you the love spawn of Charles Manson?

Bryan Manson: Bryan Manson hails from the dark, twisted alleys of the mean streets of Winnipeg, Manitoba. That’s in Canada for all you geographically challenged morons out there. Oh wait. I forgot. You morons are known as Americans.

The Serious Tip: Ummm… ok. Nice third person reference there. Well, then explain the origins of Bryan Manson.

Bryan Manson: Before the dawn of the universe, there was darkness. Darkness has persisted throughout the Ages of Man. From this darkness comes Bryan Manson… that sounded cool.

The Serious Tip: Very existential. Let’s try another route. How did Bryan Manson become a wrestler?

Bryan Manson: Within every man, woman, and child is a desire to destroy. To rend and maim our fellow man. I simply chose to hone my skill under the tutelage of renowned Florida Independent Wrestling Trainer Bam Bam Mancuso at the Florida Exteme Westling House of Pain School of Professional Wrestling in Melbourne, Florida, which can be reached at (321)432-1020 or online at www.floridaextremewrestling.com/school.

The Serious Tip: (coughs)shameless plug(cough).

Bryan Manson: Gesundheit.

The Serious Tip: What is Bryan Manson’s character? How does that fit in pro wrestling?

Bryan Manson: Bryan Manson is the seemingly mindless brute controlled by his Dark Masters, Rico Moon & the Black Widow. He has many quasi-Satanic elements in his character, adding to his “dark” and “evil” image. He is also a bit of prankster, showing a touch of humor, but when things don’t go his way, he is quick to anger. Pro wrestling is a great venue for larger-than-life characters, so Bryan Manson is a perfect fit. Then again, fans are fickle, so if the evil character isn’t getting enough attention, it might be time for a change.

The Serious Tip: A change?

Bryan Manson: Dropping the evilness and going with a character that both appeals to the fans and fits myself as well. I’m not one for today’s rap music, so you can forget a Gangsta Manson, but something a little less evil, more working-class metalhead is highly possible.

The Serious Tip: That’s a shame. I like those hippity-hoppity rappin’ wrestlers. So what is your wrestling style? Do you destroy your opponents like the centipede, the snake, the scorpion, the lizard, or the toad?

Bryan Manson: I describe my style as Global. I use different moves from various styles. If my opponent is assaulting me with uppercuts and haymakers, I employ my own brutal brawling technique. If my foe is using submission holds and suplexes, I counter with my own technical prowess. However, the inverse works best with larger or quicker wrestlers, respectively. I use power moves on smaller wrestlers and quicker moves on larger wrestlers.

The Serious Tip: So there ain’t no father to your style, kinda like the Ol’ Dirty Bastard. However, because I think you kinda have to emulate someone, who is Bryan Manson’s all-time favorite wrestler? Hopefully it is not Jimmy the King from Ready to Rumble.

Bryan Manson: Wow… that’s a tough one. There are many wrestlers who I enjoy to watch and have influenced my own wrestling, but of all-time, my favorite would have to be the

British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith. His combination of power and agility not only made his matches enjoyable, but influences my style and challenges me to improve.

The Serious Tip: Favorite current wrestler? Kevin Federline, perhaps?

Bryan Manson: As far as today’s wrestlers go, I would have a tie between Carlito and Shelton Benjamin. Both men are fairly early in their careers and, with their talents, have extremely bright futures.



To know more about this wrestling phenom, check out The Serious Tip’s next Monday with Manson next week. Of course, I will be posting other news and commentary throughout the week, so stay tuned and thanks for swinging by.

Punxsutawny Shaq

"When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter."
- Bill Murray, Groundhog Day (1993)

Throughout most of the world, February 2nd is a day of hope. On this day, in a little town 80 miles from Pittsburgh, Pa., a little groundhog pokes his little head out his little hole and reveals whether or not we will face six more weeks of cold, bleak, dreary winter.

For many sports fans in Miami however, Groundhog's Day came early this year. Please forgive their haste. Not only is winter not a big issue where the temperature rarely drops below 80 degrees, but with a certain major football championship to be played in the city on February 4th, the certain minor holidays needed to be rescheduled.

Last night, in Indianapolis, Indiana, Shaquille O'Neal returned to the Miami Heat and made his season debut. This comes as great news for Miami Heat fans, who can now hope for six weeks of playoff basketball with their All-Star center back in the lineup. No longer will they have to endure the bleak, cold, depressing performances of has-beens or never-will-bes such as Earl Barron and Wayne Simien. Finally, the Big Barishynikov has come back to Miami.

In honor of Shaq's return, The Serious Tip has decided to compare these two Seers of Seers, Sages of Sages, Prognosticators of Prognosticators and Prophets Extraordinary in a quick tale of the tape to determine which, if either, could best help people find their missing bikes.

Locations:
Miami is a much more popular and warmer tourist destination, has beautiful beaches, and plenty of scantily-clad eye candy. Besides Gobbler's Knob, what else is in Punxsutawny? Advantage: Shaq.

Movies:
Groundhog Day vs. Kazaam, Steele, Blue Chips, Good Burger, etc. Although Groundhog Day was not filmed in Punxatawny, Shaq's movies lacked that certain something called Bill Murray's comic genius. And with "Ned the Head", "Needle-Nose Ned" Ryerson in a supporting role, Groundhog Day was a repetitive masterpiece. Advantage: Phil.

Place of Emergence:
'Tis much better to rise from the ashes of the Miami Heat bench dressed in a custom-made suit than for ye to cower in a Saddam Hussein hidey-hole in Gobbler's Knob. I think Shakespeare said that. Advantage: Shaq. And yes, I said Gobbler's Knob again. Huh, huh, cool.

Music:
Phil never released any albums with the Fu-Schnickens. Shaq unfortunately did. To paraphrase, "That's okay, not being bragadocious, but Supercalifragelistic, Shaq's rap career was quite atrocious." Major advantage: Phil.

Cultural impact:
Although Shaq has been around for what seems like forever, Phil is supposedly going on 120 years old. That's a lot of soothseeing. According to a web site about Phil, the secret to his longevity lies in a sheltered climate-controlled environment where he spends all of his non-working time. Kinda like Gilbert Arenas. Durability advantage: Phil.

In a close contest, Phil grabs the 3-2 victory over the Big Aristotle. This victory comes as no surprise however, as Phil's skills in prophesy haven't been challenged since Miss Cleo vanished from the scene several years ago.

Despite his defeat to the world's most famous groundhog, Miami Heat fans should be optimistic about Punxsutawny Shaq's return and their chances at another title, until of course, the Heat play the red-hot Phoenix Suns or Dallas Mavericks. Then it might be time to crawl into Phil's hidey-hole and wait for next year.

Sports Sons and Sequels

Many of us put an aura around original success. First win, first love, first little-league homerun or pee-wee league touchdown, first multi-platinum radio hit. Nothing can destroy your feelings of a great first anything. Think about the first time your team won a championship. No matter how many times they repeat, nothing can match the emotions of the first time. Often you will pick that team over any more recent champions.

For me, it’s the ’86 Mets. I was nine and a new Mets fan. They were The Team. I had all their baseball cards, memorized the line-up, and could even mimic every player’s batting stance or pitching wind-up. So if the Mets were to win it all next year, I would definitely be overjoyed, but would I take the ’86 team in a seven game series over the ’07 team? Without a doubt. That was my first championship team. Same holds with ‘99 Seminoles. The Knicks? Well, I am still waiting.

Unfortunately, the aura of untouchable original success holds no value in the businesses of sports and cinema. Often in search of the almighty dollar, the sports world and Hollywood recycle the same names, ideas, or storylines until they are limp shadows of the original glory. But no general manager or Hollywood script writer has yet to re-create a classic first. Sure, they could draft, sign, or trade for family members of past stars or release sequels with the same or similar actors but usually these attempts end in failure. Like cold fusion, they can only happen once.

So in honor of Mike Shula’s recent interview with the Miami Dolphins and this week’s Golden Globe Awards (which really should be an AVN award), I’ve decided to list a few of the more famous sequels from the world of sports and their cinematic equivalents. My one criterion: I limited the selections to sequels who at some point played on the same sports franchise as their predecessor. So you won’t see such quality entertainment as Jelly Bean Bryant II, The Second Simms, or The Return of the Basketball Walton.

Blockbuster Bombs

Ted / John Henry Willliams (Red Sox) – Caddyshack / Caddyshack 2
Caddyshack is a classic, instantly quotable, a mix of talent and performance that will never be duplicated. As for the sequel, like John Henry Williams’ brief stint with the Gulf Coast Red Sox, let’s just forget it ever happened.

Pete / Pete Rose Jr. (Reds) – The Blair Witch Project / Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2Although Rose wasn’t a power hitter, didn’t run particularly fast, and never played the same position for too long, he made the most from his limited budget of skills. As did the Blair Witch Project. Also like the opinions of the Blair Witch Project, opinions on Pete Rose’s Hall of Fame chances are divided. Everyone is in agreement, however, that Pete Rose, Jr.’s baseball abilities and the Blair Witch sequel had little business being viewed by the public.

Straight to DVD

Yogi / Dale Berra (Yankees) – The Blues Brothers / Blues Brothers 2000
Yogi Berra was another timeless, easily quotable classic, similar, say, to The Blues Brothers. His son Dale, like Blues Brothers 2000, had its success tainted by drug use (imagine a second Blues Brothers with John Belushi instead of John Goodman) and couldn’t hold a note to its predecessor.

Rick / Drew, Jon, and Brent Barry (Rick, Drew – Warriors) – King Kong / King Kong Lives, King Kong vs. Godzilla, King Kong (2005)
Following in the footsteps of a Hall of Fame father is never easy. Although Jon and Brent Barry have had success, the sons of Rick Barry have been mediocre at best. Rick Barry is the King Kong of the Barry name, and each attempt at a sequel has been a 2nd generation knock-off.

Bob / Brian Griese (Dolphins) – Gremlins / Gremlins 2, Home Alone / Home Alone 2
Another Hall of Fame original and his not so great son. Like Gremlins 2 or Home Alone 2, you can survive watching the second Griese, but don’t count your season on it.

Gus / Buddy / David Bell (Gus/ Buddy – Reds, Buddy/ David – Indians) – Major League I, II, III
Like the Major League movies, the first Bell was a force during his career, the second Bell was a solid all-round player, but the third Bell makes you yearn for those late night shifts at Lou Brown’s Tire World. “How would you like to watch David Bell play tonight?” “I would but I have to talk to a guy about some white walls on the other line.”

Sam / Jerry / Jerry Hairston Jr (White Sox) – Evil Dead / Evil Dead 2 / Army of Darkness
News flash: I just learned there were three generations of Hairstons who played for the White Sox. Raise your hand if you knew that. Put your hand down, Mama Hairston. Did you also know there were three Evil Dead movies? No? Well, you learn something new every day. Note: along with Johnny and Scott Hairston, the Hairston clan almost has as many members in the big leagues as there are Friday the 13th movies. And about as memorable.

Midday Matinees

Ray / Bob / Bret & Aaron Boone (Ray, Bret – Braves, Bob, Aaron – Phillies) – Back to the Future I, II, III
As each generation of Boone was a quality player and had decent careers, they have become the Back to the Future trilogy. Good, not great, movies that entertained and continued the family tradition.

Hal / Brian McRae (Royals) – Ghostbusters / Ghostbusters 2
Both McRaes were quality ballplayers with decent, if not better than average, major league careers. Hal McRae’s near batting titles, World Series rings, All-Star selections, and 23-year career however, overshadow Brian’s 10-year career like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man standing above a portrait of Vigo the Carpathian.

Felipe / Moises Alou – (Expos, Giants) – Spiderman / Spiderman 2
During the 1960s and 70s Felipe Alou was one of three Alou brothers playing in the major leagues. Felipe played for 17 seasons, made several all-star teams, and retired with over 200 homeruns. Moises Alou has continued, if not improved upon, the Alou tradition, making six all-star teams and hitting over 300 homeruns. Could be the juiced ball, the juiced players, or maybe just the improved CGI. I don’t know.

Sandy / Sandy Jr, Roberto Alomar (White Sox) – Alien / Aliens
Roberto makes this difficult. If it was just the Sandys they would be Iron Eagle I & II – a totally forgettable, mediocre father-son catching duo, like Fred and Jason Kendall. But with Roberto’s near-Hall of Fame stats, this becomes a case of the sons outperforming their father. Sandy Sr. might have Sigourney Weaver in undergarments and a man giving birth to a space critter, but Roberto and Sandy Jr. were definitely the much improved Aliens.

The Excellent Encores

Ken Griffey Sr / Ken Griffey Jr (Mariners, Reds) – Terminator / T2
The first Terminator was good, the second was better. If Rise of the Machines is any indicator, unless Trey Griffey plays in the major leagues accompanied by Kristanna Loken, it would probably be best to end the Griffey franchise when Junior retires.

Bobby / Brett Hull (Winnipeg Jets / Pheonix Coyotes) – Godfather / Godfather 2
As with the first two Godfather movies, both Bobby and Brett Hull are among the best ever. The only way to complete this trilogy would be for a third generation Hull to be an un-athletic, stumbling, bumbling halfwit. Think Sophia Coppola on skates.

Bobby / Barry Bonds (Giants) – Star Wars / Empire Strikes Back
Like Empire Strikes Back to Star Wars: A New Hope, the sequel to Bobby Bonds is gloomier, more evil, and mired with unresolved controversy. Who in sports fits the role of Darth Vader better than Barry Bonds? And who needs the Force when you have the cream and the clear?

So what can Dolphins fans expect if the team hires another Shula? Based on Mike Shula’s experience with Alabama and David Shula’s record with the Bengals, I am thinking Shula II: Electric Boogaloo.

My favorite albums of 2006

Here is a schizophrenic scatological smattering of semi-conscious ponderings. In other words, my favorite tunes of 2006. Enjoy.


My top 11 CD releases of 2006:

11) Black Stone Cherry - Black Stone Cherry: Think a hard-rock 70's throwback band with a Ronnie Van Sant wanna-be on vocals. Listeners must like Zakk Wylde, Skynyrd, and long walks on the beach.

10) Audioslave - Revelations: I definitely thought this CD was better than Audioslave's second release. It seems like these guys are pumping out songs like they were mass produced by 8-year old sweatshop workers. Wait, Tom Morello might disapprove of that.

9) Method Man - 4:21... The Day After: A little older, a little more mature sounding Method Man bringing the southpaw style with guests Ol' Dirty Bastard, Lauren Hill, and Redman.

8) Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam: After a disappointing Riot Act, I was pleasantly enamored with this album. Good to see Pearl Jam back again.

7) Robert Randolph & The Family Band - Colorblind: Real good funk, jazz, gospel, rock thing going on. And Robert Randolph is a big Mets fan.

6) Buckcherry - 15: I never figured out why they called it 15. There are only 11 songs. Although they do kick ass like 15 songs of your average white band.

5) Jurassic 5 - Feedback: There is not a bad song on this CD, even the one with Dave Matthews is good. As a bonus they quote some old school, pre-"Are We There Yet?" Ice Cube.

4) Drive-By Truckers - A Blessing and a Curse: Some good ol' southern rock. Everybody seemed to have this on their "best of" list. Screw it, I liked it anyway.

3) Public Enemy f/ Paris - Rebirth of a Nation: Nothing better than militant political rap by two of the genre's best: Paris and Chuck D. Even Flavor Flav cameos with some old school, pre-Flavor of Love rhymes.

2) Cowboys from Hell and David Allen Coe - Rebel Meets Rebel: Dimebag Darrell, Vinnie Paul, and Rex Brown formerly of Pantera join forces with country outlaw legend David Allen Coe in what was Dimebag's last recording. A kick-ass one at that. RIP Dime.

1) The Coup - Pick a Bigger Weapon: Think Public Enemy mixed with heaping servings of Parliament-Funkadelic and you have The Coup. Socialist, communist, militant, anarchist, whatever ... with songs like "Laugh, Love, F*** (and drink liquor)", how can you go wrong?

'Tis the Season for Holiday Wish Lists

As you might have noticed, it's the holiday season here at The Serious Tip. We've done some redecorating, decked the halls, etc. But before we go over the hills and through the woods for a few days, I've decided to list a few sports-related movies, books, and wishes I wouldn't mind getting from family, friends, loyal readers, local prostitutes, incarcerated pen pals, cyberstalkers, or any other concerned parties.

Movies

Cobb - One of my favorite baseball movies. Very underrated and underappreciated Tommy Lee Jones performance. Defines greatness. Taped it off of a movie channel years ago and it's time to get the DVD.

Soul of the Game - A solid baseball movie made by HBO some years back. Describes the struggles and conflicts of Satchel Paige, Josh Gibson, and Jackie Robinson. Stars Blair Underwood, Mykelti Williamson, Delroy Lindo, and R. Lee Ermey.

Ali - Even though Muhammad Ali did not invent rap, he had a pretty decent boxing career. By the way, is it just me or does Will Smith look a lot like a young Jesse Jackson in his new movie? If they ever make The Jesse Jackson Story I wouldn't be surprised if The Fresh Prince gets the lead role.

The New York Mets 1986 World Series Collectors Edition Box Set - Thanks to Yadier Molina, this is the closest I am going to get to watching a Mets championship until October 2007.

Books

John Starks: My Life - Starks was my favorite Knick back in the days when Ewing was in his prime, Oakley elbows were legal, and Anthony Mason's hair designs had more slogans than Times Square.

Paddy on the Hardwood - I am real eclectic when it comes to what I read. One week I'll read a book on hunger in America in the 1960s, the next week I might read about Buddhism, and the third week I might be into a book on Southern Rock. So I really enjoy when a book is able to combine more than one interest. Phil Jackson's Sacred Hoops did that to an extent, merging Western philosophy with basketball. From the reviews I have read, Rus Bradburd's Paddy on the Hardwood does the same, combining Bradburd's distinguished abilities as a coach with his growing interest in Irish fiddle playing. I'd like to thank HoopsAddict for alerting me to this book. They have a real good write up about it and a Podcast here.

The Worst Team Money Can Buy - Ah, the glory days of New York Mets futilty. A pure, blissful time of overpaid homecomings, bleach-loaded supersoakers, and flying M-80s. This book tells the tale of a Mets organization convinced it could buy a championship long before it was in vogue in the Bronx.

The Best of Baseball Digest - I can't say enough about Baseball Digest. I've subscribed to the magazine for over 20 years. I think I missed maybe one issue. The only magazine I put down everything else I am reading to read cover to cover. This is its "best of" since it started back in the 1940s.

Miscellaneous Wishes

- For Isiah Thomas to find other employment away from the New York Knicks.

- For the next Florida State offensive coordinator to instinctively know running plays on 3rd and long usually don't work.


- For Florida State forward Al Thorton to be drafted by the Knicks in the 2007 NBA draft.

- For a date with whoever wins Playmate of the Year 2007. Kinda rooting for Sara Jean Underwood personally.

- For a Met pitcher to throw a no-hitter this year. Or any year.

- For Terrell Owens to find an attention-obsessive woman who fakes suicide to keep him with her.

- For the Man to quit holding people down.

- For everyone to have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, safe and joyful Hajj and Eid Al-Adha, Happy Winter Solstice, or whatever it is you do this time of year.

Happy Holidays.